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Red Tangles
the_recluse

this is love, but it is not
 1
the love of trees for rain,
 2
children for summer days
 3
 
 
it is not about the way you'd shiver
 4
eyes wide in your navy coat,
 5
picking hairs off mine
 6
 
 
it is not about the junk shops on pine,
 7
bad coffee, blue smoke,
 8
red hair that whispered to your waist
 9
 
 
it is not about the way we'd wake,
 10
august wind in pleading chimes
 11
one more day, just one more day
 12
approaching fall, white linen sheets,
 13
bad wine
 14
 
 
this is love, but it is not
 15
the love of flowers for a vase,
 16
farmers for the soil
 17
 
 
this is love,
 18
but it is the love of insects for the winter,
 19
veterans for the metal in their legs;
 20
for the dreams, and for it aching when it rains.
 21

5 Feb 07

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bellavida



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Comments:

this is great...
and you KNEW I was going to say this, so it should come as no shock--
it would be even GREATER with some *!pun-chew-ation? and CAPitaliZation.
come on now--it would really clean this up.  Nice start!
 — aforbing

Ah!  Love with substance.  Nothing quite like it.  You've captured it well.   I see a similarity in style to another poem, yes?
 — bellavida

Lordy, this is gorgeous.  So real, and honest.  Loved it.
 — CervusWright

aforbing- I've never been much of a fan of capitalization, but I'll see how it goes. It can't hurt, right?

bellavida- I'm not really sure which poem you're refering to, but thanks for the kind words.

CervusWright- Thank you.
 — the_recluse

Outstanding work.  The bleak confidence in the voice  is solid, and consistently hypnotic.  The internal rhyme is great, the long A's woven in unobtrusively throughout (even "legs" manages to slant in the deal) give this an admirable coherence.  Kudos.

For the mechanics of the poem, I have a few suggestions.  The only weak point I see is line 11, "august wind in pleading chimes."  It's just a bit grammatically crunchy: it seems an unsure compromise between choosing the August wind pleading or the August wind chiming "one more day," and as such draws attention to itself and makes chimes/wine feel forced.

Do also consider the utility of line 18, and the repetition of "love... the love" following the 2d-to-last stanza (line 15).  I think the catalog of love's common conception is pretty solid from the beginning, and you don't necessarily need the repetition for the conclusion.  Consider paring
    this is love, but it is not
    the love of flowers for a vase,
    farmers for the soil
    
    this is love,
    but it is the love of insects for the winter

down to

    this is love, but it is not
    the love of flowers for a vase,
    farmers for the soil
    
    but the love of insects for the winter

...I think that would recall the catalog without making the device feel overused.

Again, outstanding work.  Thanks for posting.
 — mikkirat

mikkirat -

I can't thank you enough. You pick up on things I would never realize in my own work in a million years. Even if I don't know how to implement the changes you've suggested just yet, I'm definitely gonna be thinkin' on them in the coming days. In addition to that, it's just helpful for me to be told these things, so that I can hopefully edit my own work even more thoroughly in the future. I really appreciate your reading this.

Thanks again,
Benjamin
 — the_recluse

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