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guilt pliés

The gaunt ballerina of my self-destruction
does pirouettes at dawn till her feet bleed.
Blisters dog pile her toes like mountains
on molehills, avalanche under the weight.
Tell me why
you call the pick-up-sticks stacked on her skin
an escape attempt
when it is the only thing keeping us here.
We are not dead yet, those crows are just playing.
It would be better if you make-believe
you can’t see them. Throw rocks at my future
if you think you can glimpse one, but not our history.
What we haven’t come to terms with hiccups at my diaphragm
till I am forced to start breathing again.
I promised only attempt, not result.
You don’t have to forgive my akrasia,
but you must look past it. Pretend it will never affect you.
Pray if you must, but not too loud. My atheist ear drums
have converted the rest of our body; only her guilt heavy tongue
is catholic. If you want she can consume your orison
whole. Place it on the only muscle we listen to and let it seep in.
Maybe my throat will be so swayed by your fervor
it will swallow. Better yet give me your love.
I will let you tuck me beneath your fingernails
like carefully manicured dirt. I promise to keep
your heart protected. I have no problems giving my life
to save yours. I can keep you safe, even though
I can’t even keep myself whole.

akrasia is a philosophical concept of a specific kind of “weak will” that denotes that the speaker does things even though they know that it could be potentially harmful to them.

orison is another word for prayer.

4 Feb 07

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Oh em gee! It's tragicbubble! [If you don't know who I am, be assured I know, love, and perform (wink) your work. Shhh.]

I really like several phrases:

"Like mountains on molehills"
"Pick-up-sticks stacked on her skin"
"My atheist ear drums have converted the rest of our body"
"like carefully manicured dirt"

Definitely strong points. All I'd suggest is maybe improveing the transition from the image on line 8 to line 13. The stanza in between seems strained to make the change all by itself.

However, the work as a whole is spectacular.

-- Forsaken
 — A_Forsaken

Oh, and I'd make the definitions into a footnote rather than a headnote. But that's just personal preference.

-- Forsaken
 — A_Forsaken


 — teo_omega11

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