poetry critical

online poetry workshop


I'm always sad when I look at him,
He sits by himself...
Every day,
I walk over and speak to him.
A smile.
He talks of his friends,
In different towns,
Why none here?
The only meal he ever eats,
Is small.
He wears a beannie and a hood,
Always second-hand headphones,
His addiction:
His iPod
And trumpet.
When I'm by myself,
He comes to me,
Puts his hat on my head,
Steals my polka-dotted bow;
Makes me laugh.
Makes me laugh,
Just once,
Then silence.
He cuts,
I know it,
But he doesn't speak of it.
Why is he so sad?
Why does he never say?
Why does he bother with the invisible girl?
The plagued?
[Hey there boy]
[I'm not going anywhere]
I met him
Feeling empty;
When I knew him
I felt full.

This is the edited version; original can be found with among my two other poems.

3 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(4 more poems by this author)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


I like it.
 — Mithrandir

Thank you! It wasn't something I worked too terribly hard on, besides revising the original, it was just...the feelings I have, put to words.
 — ashley87

Were you born in 87? I graduated from high school in 87. Want to get it on?
 — unknown

Good lord, are you the same person on every poem I post?? Leave me alone!
 — ashley87

i felt the emotion, so.good,work.

MMM.  I would say, maybe make your punctuation more consistent.  You use plenty of question marks, but only one period (plenty of unpunctuated independent clauses though).  The last four lines would be stronger (in my opinion) with a semi-colon after "feeling empty;"  -  like that.

 — steveroggenb

i love it.
 — inutile

Thank you, Steveroggenb. I will take your words gladly. And thank you, Inutile.
 — ashley87