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Rough Draft

I originally posted this under "Unknown," as "Boy," but I think I'm a little more confident about this piece, and both are now posted under my name.

I'm always sad when I look at him
He sits by himself
Always lonely
I walk over and speak to him
A smile
He talks of his friends
In a different town
He never eats lunch
Only dinner
He wears a beannie and a hood
Always second-hand headphones
His addiction
His iPod
And trumpet
When I'm by myself
He comes to me
Makes me laugh
We sit in silence
He cuts
I know it
But he doesn't say
Why is he so sad?
Why does he never say?
I met him
Feeling empty
When I knew him
I felt full

3 Feb 07

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this is a very personal poem, speaking about something that is hard to write about

it does, however, seem a bit coppy
my advice is to work on how the stanzas fit together and create a better flow
 — sparrow

I see what you mean. Will work on it. Thank you!
 — unknown

The art of poetry over prose is in the effectiveness of the applied words and their structure

The following has about 25% less words but says the same thing.

I’m always saddened
when looking at him,
sitting by himself
As I speak, a smile
and he talks of friends
(all) in a different town.

There is probably the opportunity to keep the poem a similar length but to ‘draw a better picture’ for us perhaps using a theme (here I have chosen flowers, perhaps not the ideal but hopefully it will illustrate my thoughts):

A Dandelion in a field of Fuchsias,
no one ever took in his scent.
Sun thrown casts fall long behind
as sit next to him
and breathe;
each piece of pollen a story
of friends from a different town.

Hopefully it gives you another approach to think about.
 — unknown

You dumb bitch.
 — unknown

Okay, why am I being called a dumb bitch?
 — ashley87

it could be cause you responded to such an anal comment
 — unknown

Good lord, if you don't have any constructive criticism, leave me alone!
 — ashley87

hey you asked
 — unknown

... and I see constructive advice has been offered - but it doesn't seem to do you any good.
 — unknown

I haven't changed anything online yet, I'm still working on it with pen and paper - you know, the old fashioned way. What's your problem with me?
 — ashley87

no problem just giving you a free *bump* so that other readers will see the poem on the recently commented list,  but then again I may well BE you
 — unknown

Yeah yeah whatever. You are quite an interesting person. Have you been commenting on the other two as well?
 — ashley87

I think the poem moves down the page with a good pace and it delivers its story and its message very effectively. I like 25-27 -a lot of truth in that - and a beautiful, life affirming final stanza - your writing is very poetic.
 — larrylark

Larrylark, you are my hero. =]
 — ashley87

Okay, please remember, this was the original that I wrote; the new/edited is under the title of "Boy," this was, as titled, just a rough draft.
 — ashley87