this is a very personal poem, speaking about something that is hard to write about
it does, however, seem a bit coppy
my advice is to work on how the stanzas fit together and create a better flow
I see what you mean. Will work on it. Thank you!
The art of poetry over prose is in the effectiveness of the applied words and their structure
The following has about 25% less words but says the same thing.
I’m always saddened
when looking at him,
sitting by himself
As I speak, a smile
and he talks of friends
(all) in a different town.
There is probably the opportunity to keep the poem a similar length but to ‘draw a better picture’ for us perhaps using a theme (here I have chosen flowers, perhaps not the ideal but hopefully it will illustrate my thoughts):
A Dandelion in a field of Fuchsias,
no one ever took in his scent.
Sun thrown casts fall long behind
as sit next to him
each piece of pollen a story
of friends from a different town.
Hopefully it gives you another approach to think about.
You dumb bitch.
Okay, why am I being called a dumb bitch?
it could be cause you responded to such an anal comment
Good lord, if you don't have any constructive criticism, leave me alone!
hey you asked
... and I see constructive advice has been offered - but it doesn't seem to do you any good.
I haven't changed anything online yet, I'm still working on it with pen and paper - you know, the old fashioned way. What's your problem with me?
no problem just giving you a free *bump* so that other readers will see the poem on the recently commented list, but then again I may well BE you
Yeah yeah whatever. You are quite an interesting person. Have you been commenting on the other two as well?
I think the poem moves down the page with a good pace and it delivers its story and its message very effectively. I like 25-27 -a lot of truth in that - and a beautiful, life affirming final stanza - your writing is very poetic.
Larrylark, you are my hero. =]
Okay, please remember, this was the original that I wrote; the new/edited is under the title of "Boy," this was, as titled, just a rough draft.