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Rough Draft
ashley87

I originally posted this under "Unknown," as "Boy," but I think I'm a little more confident about this piece, and both are now posted under my name.

I'm always sad when I look at him
 1
He sits by himself
 2
Always lonely
 3
 
 
I walk over and speak to him
 4
A smile
 5
Finally
 6
He talks of his friends
 7
All
 8
In a different town
 9
 
 
He never eats lunch
 10
Breakfast
 11
Only dinner
 12
He wears a beannie and a hood
 13
Always second-hand headphones
 14
Retainer
 15
Music
 16
His addiction
 17
His iPod
 18
And trumpet
 19
 
 
When I'm by myself
 20
He comes to me
 21
Makes me laugh
 22
Then
 23
We sit in silence
 24
 
 
He cuts
 25
I know it
 26
But he doesn't say
 27
 
 
Why is he so sad?
 28
Why does he never say?
 29
 
 
I met him
 30
Feeling empty
 31
When I knew him
 32
I felt full
 33

3 Feb 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

this is a very personal poem, speaking about something that is hard to write about

it does, however, seem a bit coppy
my advice is to work on how the stanzas fit together and create a better flow
 — sparrow

I see what you mean. Will work on it. Thank you!
 — unknown

The art of poetry over prose is in the effectiveness of the applied words and their structure

The following has about 25% less words but says the same thing.

I’m always saddened
when looking at him,
sitting by himself
lonely.
As I speak, a smile
and he talks of friends
(all) in a different town.

There is probably the opportunity to keep the poem a similar length but to ‘draw a better picture’ for us perhaps using a theme (here I have chosen flowers, perhaps not the ideal but hopefully it will illustrate my thoughts):

A Dandelion in a field of Fuchsias,
no one ever took in his scent.
Sun thrown casts fall long behind
as sit next to him
and breathe;
each piece of pollen a story
of friends from a different town.

Hopefully it gives you another approach to think about.
 — unknown

You dumb bitch.
 — unknown

Okay, why am I being called a dumb bitch?
 — ashley87

it could be cause you responded to such an anal comment
 — unknown

Good lord, if you don't have any constructive criticism, leave me alone!
 — ashley87

hey you asked
 — unknown

... and I see constructive advice has been offered - but it doesn't seem to do you any good.
 — unknown

I haven't changed anything online yet, I'm still working on it with pen and paper - you know, the old fashioned way. What's your problem with me?
 — ashley87

no problem just giving you a free *bump* so that other readers will see the poem on the recently commented list,  but then again I may well BE you
 — unknown

Yeah yeah whatever. You are quite an interesting person. Have you been commenting on the other two as well?
 — ashley87

I think the poem moves down the page with a good pace and it delivers its story and its message very effectively. I like 25-27 -a lot of truth in that - and a beautiful, life affirming final stanza - your writing is very poetic.
 — larrylark

Larrylark, you are my hero. =]
 — ashley87

Okay, please remember, this was the original that I wrote; the new/edited is under the title of "Boy," this was, as titled, just a rough draft.
 — ashley87

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