Comments:
this is a very personal poem, speaking about something that is hard to write about
it does, however, seem a bit coppy
my advice is to work on how the stanzas fit together and create a better flow
— sparrow
I see what you mean. Will work on it. Thank you!
— unknown
The art of poetry over prose is in the effectiveness of the applied words and their structure
The following has about 25% less words but says the same thing.
I’m always saddened
when looking at him,
sitting by himself
lonely.
As I speak, a smile
and he talks of friends
(all) in a different town.
There is probably the opportunity to keep the poem a similar length but to ‘draw a better picture’ for us perhaps using a theme (here I have chosen flowers, perhaps not the ideal but hopefully it will illustrate my thoughts):
A Dandelion in a field of Fuchsias,
no one ever took in his scent.
Sun thrown casts fall long behind
as sit next to him
and breathe;
each piece of pollen a story
of friends from a different town.
Hopefully it gives you another approach to think about.
— unknown
You dumb bitch.
— unknown
Okay, why am I being called a dumb bitch?
— ashley87
it could be cause you responded to such an anal comment
— unknown
Good lord, if you don't have any constructive criticism, leave me alone!
— ashley87
hey you asked
— unknown
... and I see constructive advice has been offered - but it doesn't seem to do you any good.
— unknown
I haven't changed anything online yet, I'm still working on it with pen and paper - you know, the old fashioned way. What's your problem with me?
— ashley87
no problem just giving you a free *bump* so that other readers will see the poem on the recently commented list, but then again I may well BE you
— unknown
Yeah yeah whatever. You are quite an interesting person. Have you been commenting on the other two as well?
— ashley87
I think the poem moves down the page with a good pace and it delivers its story and its message very effectively. I like 25-27 -a lot of truth in that - and a beautiful, life affirming final stanza - your writing is very poetic.
— larrylark
Larrylark, you are my hero. =]
— ashley87
Okay, please remember, this was the original that I wrote; the new/edited is under the title of "Boy," this was, as titled, just a rough draft.
— ashley87
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