poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Sarah Adie
lanezfairy

she combs her hair as if
 1
  each strand contains a piece
 2
of a prophecy:
 3
  noble and purple and green,
 4
surrounding screeching trumpets
 5
    with the sublimity of how
 6
her mouth moves
 7
  when her words move into me;
 8
each strand forcing me into a
 9
  rainbow-colored shoot
 10
with twisted limbs
 11
  landing in a room of plastic balls,
 12
a seraphic wonderland.
 13
    each and every strand
 14
of which i could count those very nights
 15
i spend kissing that beautiful,
 16
  adventure-ridden mind.
 17

31 Jan 07

Rated 9.8 (9.8) by 6 users.
Active (6): 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Comments:

How wonderous a poem. So eloquent. So beautiful. So Poe-esque...it's uplifting and actually poetic...unlike some of the rubbish on this website. Hmph! 10/10
 — Henry

L8 when he words move into me;

Huh?
 — rocket

oh, sorry about that typo. it's meant to be "his" , not "he". thanks for picking that up.
 — lanezfairy

oh no wait it's supposed to be "her" not him.
 — lanezfairy

JEEZ... this one isn't really a #1 poem.  I will tell you why.  It's kind of fronting.  It hasn't been polished--not much editing, a lot of raw emotion.  I don't feel like you've carefully chosen your words, but instead let them fall onto the page like verbal diarrhea.  It's almost like the preface to the poem but you forgot the 'meat' of it.  I'd be interested to see how great this could become if you come back to it and give it more of your attention.  Trust me, I don't believe that things should be PERFECT to go on here.  Most of my stuff is rubbish for the first month or so that it's on here.  However, that is why it's called "poetry CRITICAL", so we can hear feedback and improve.  I hope  you can take my suggestion to dig deeper and constructively react to my comments.  I think this poem can really become something.  
 — aforbing

LOVE THIS!  I'm sure the "receiver" does too (that is, if u indulged them in it.)  Hopefully, you did.  This is how a love poem truly must read.  They come from the deepest, gooshiest depths of the poet's (in love) heart.  "10"  OH YEAH!  Nice job!
 — starr

p.s.  If you got a comment like this from Henry, then this shit MUST BE GOOD (which it IS).  He seems very discriminating and to receive this kind of honor lets you know you're doin' right by the Muse.  If I got a compliment from him, I'd feel real good about your poem.  You should be honored.  They don't come very easily.  Nite nite from Southern Maine (-2 degrees.)
 — starr

what lovely little thoughts all rounded and shiny...this gleams like a gem

Pravo
 — dionnefields

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