poetry critical

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Called Pocket
rocket

She has a face like therapy.
 1
 
 
With each blink
 2
her bright blue eyes
 3
sink me more comfortably
 4
into this couch.
 5
 
 
She's tensed against the pool table,
 6
brows furrowed in concentration.
 7
 
 
The curls of her hair
 8
smooth down her neck
 9
like intimate conversation.
 10
 
 
Her steady hand aims the cue,
 11
eight ball in sight.
 12
 
 
The world is for a moment,
 13
black and white.
 14
 
 
I see her now,
 15
and I see her in twenty years.
 16
She is timeless.
 17
 
 
The cue clacks loudly
 18
and the eight ball finds its pocket.
 19

31 Jan 07

Rated 7.7 (7.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 8, 8
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

Line 8 - word or world?
Line 13 - forty, not fourty.

I think if you changed the last verse, it would be better.  Perhaps -

I see her now,
I see her tomorrow,
I see her in 20 years
or 30 or 40.

The rule is that numbers over 10 should be numbers, not spelled out.

That first line is wonderful!  
 — Isabelle5

Thanks Isabelle. That's what I get for typing this late at night.

I didn't like having a lot of numbers visually. I do agree the last stanza could be better. Some of my ideas aren't fleshed out as well as I think they could be but I'm letting it sit for a few days.
 — rocket

I replaced some clumsy language. I think this revision comes a little closer to my intent.
 — rocket

Who came up with this rule about not spelling numbers out? We have to spell numbers out all the time on checks...and normally the numbers are bigger than 10. And to spell one-hundred is okay, and the same with a million. Or twelve, or thirty, or twenty or forty or fifty...(calm down Henry...calm down...Isabelle5 just wasn't thinking...calm down) That comment disappointed me Isabelle5...think before you speak! If more people did that, this site would be a better place. (snickers)

Not a bad poem Rocket, but if it had more of a purpose and amazed me, I'd give it a better rating. Maybe change: the table for a moment was black and white, on a world of green (you can word it more poetically of course)...because of the cue ball and the 8 ball. The world being black and white didn't make as much sense to me. 8/10
 — Henry

Hmm, I do see your point.

I'm trying to say the moment was black and white for both of us. She is focused on the white cue and black eight ball. I'm focused on her and see her clearly. It's about choosing. She is choosing a pocket, I'm choosing her.

I'll think about how I might improve the wording.
 — rocket

I have no idea who made the rules about spelling numbers.  I do know that it was drilled into me in business school that one to ten are words, above that is numbers, when you're writing, such as business letters.  Obviously, it does not apply to checks, especially the huge, lovely numbers!

Rocket, I like your revisions.  I wonder about soft conversation of her curls?  How about intimate?  It evokes so much more than soft.

Imc
 — Isabelle5

Who not just come straight out with it instead of hiding behind the pool table

Larry on the nine Lark
 — larrylark

Thanks for the comments.  Good call Isabelle.

Larry, I don't understand what you're saying. Will you elaborate?
 — rocket

Beautiful, but the conclusion leaves something to be desired. Love the descriptions of this woman, maybe delve into those a bit more. 7.
 — FangzOfFire

Well Fangz, stay tuned. I'm still living the conclusion. :)

Point taken on the delving.
 — rocket

i like this, but fail to enjoy the metaphor. maybe because the last line has crude connotations. i know that's not what you mean, but ... well ...

immature response, but this is nice.
 — listen

Good grief, I can't help it if you have a dirty mind. :)

Thanks for the feedback.
 — rocket

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