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Seasons of Love & Hate

It's supposed to be set in the Boston Commons.

Suggestions for changing the ending?

He sighs because winter is here
and he knows she loves it
when the earth is silent and
everything turns white.
And he dreads this season
because it reminds him
of her purity and that she
refuses to place it in his hands.
She sighs because
summer is fading and
she knows he hates it
when the earth is evenescent
and everything turns orange.  
And she prays for
him to be happy and
cries when she knows
all he wants is for her to
give herself to him.  
Yet there they stand both leaning
against the old-fashioned street lamp
as she protects his Marlboro #27
from the icy wind that cuts through
their coats like knives.
They’re so in love and afraid
for the seasons to change.

31 Jan 07

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (0):

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This is beautiful.

It feels like something I wish I could write if I was more structured.
I especially like the second stanza. It cuts through the mud. To bone.
Its wonderful, 10
 — madderhatter

You don't need the and of L5.

I think it'd be better if you don't explain it in L24-25. Trust the reader to figure it out.

Interesting use of the seasons.
 — rocket

L12- eva
nice airy feel til
L22,23 these just threw me right off. so harsh all of a sudden, with icy, and like knives.
as fer th'ending?
who knows...
but you
nice words
 — chuckles

Thanks all.

Madderhatter, I wish I could write unstructured poetry...:-) Thanks for your kind words.

Rocket, if I take it out in L5 should I do that in L14 too? Also, I feel like I have to remind the reader they are in love because they seem so bitter?? Or do you see no bitterness here?

Chuckles, I've been thinking of alternative verses for the stanza for a while
how about
"from the lamenting wind that sweeps
under theor coats like secrets."
 — meghanmidget

anything else kiddos?
 — meghanmidget

Well Meghan midget...I wrote a poem about a homicidal dwarf...sound interesting? I think you may like it. About the poem...I've felt like this before, except I don't smoke! It speaks to a large audience I'm sure and I sympathize with the two people in the poem. I think the ending was fine...it worked for you. Nice set-up too.
 — Henry

wait...maybe change the title...a little dramatic. something more subtle could be peachy.
 — Henry

what's wrong with
"the wind"?
 — chuckles

this is good.
i will come back to this with more to say.
 — Rixes