Comments:
interesting.
— unknown
Thank you.
-FF
— For_Forsaken
too simple to be any good
— unknown
This could be the chorus to an excellent rock ballad, or similar. Nice.
— unknown
Hmm. I never thought of it like that. Thank you.
And, could you elaborate, first unknown?
— For_Forsaken
LMAO !
— Lucifer
Haha.
Hm.
Lol, like..seriously.
*Amused*
-FF
— For_Forsaken
Far too simple. Why is he in your brain? And why brain? Why not head? Why not surrounding you? Elaborate on the idea of L4-5. Who's "your name" The reader? Someone related to the persona?
Think! : )
— DeathShards
It's supposed to be this simple.
Thanks for the comment, but no thanks to the suggested changes.
— For_Forsaken
this has a nice rhythm. the first thing i noticed about it was its flow and tempo, and in terms of syllables this is fine. it is for that reason that i don't want to change anything, as it would interrupt this flow.
i will however give my opinion.
in terms of poetic credibility of its wording, there isn't much. you tell us there is a voice screaming someones name. that is it. expanding upon the idea would be the reccomended option, however i don't feel this should be any longer.
i honestly don't know what to suggest or what to add, but this is a fun poem i suppose. maybe it says more to you.
regards,
eso
— Esoteric
I understand what you mean. This started out as just a poem I started and never finished, but I don't..know what to do. It means a lot to me and the one it was written for, because.. because of personal reasons, I suppose. We're always talking about the demon in my brain, but I don't think he ever understood the connotations of it before I wrote this. Maybe this is just meant for me and him, but I'm content with it, I believe. If you think of anything, though, let me know.
— For_Forsaken
in that respect then, this is more of a personal poem. if i can find a way of making it work but without taking it out of context i'll tell you. although it'll be through email most probably. i prefer to work on poems that way.
— Esoteric
Sounds good to me.
— For_Forsaken
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