too simple to be any good
This could be the chorus to an excellent rock ballad, or similar. Nice.
Hmm. I never thought of it like that. Thank you.
And, could you elaborate, first unknown?
Far too simple. Why is he in your brain? And why brain? Why not head? Why not surrounding you? Elaborate on the idea of L4-5. Who's "your name" The reader? Someone related to the persona?
Think! : )
It's supposed to be this simple.
Thanks for the comment, but no thanks to the suggested changes.
this has a nice rhythm. the first thing i noticed about it was its flow and tempo, and in terms of syllables this is fine. it is for that reason that i don't want to change anything, as it would interrupt this flow.
i will however give my opinion.
in terms of poetic credibility of its wording, there isn't much. you tell us there is a voice screaming someones name. that is it. expanding upon the idea would be the reccomended option, however i don't feel this should be any longer.
i honestly don't know what to suggest or what to add, but this is a fun poem i suppose. maybe it says more to you.
I understand what you mean. This started out as just a poem I started and never finished, but I don't..know what to do. It means a lot to me and the one it was written for, because.. because of personal reasons, I suppose. We're always talking about the demon in my brain, but I don't think he ever understood the connotations of it before I wrote this. Maybe this is just meant for me and him, but I'm content with it, I believe. If you think of anything, though, let me know.
in that respect then, this is more of a personal poem. if i can find a way of making it work but without taking it out of context i'll tell you. although it'll be through email most probably. i prefer to work on poems that way.
Sounds good to me.