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Learning to Ride Saltwater Tides
Isabelle5

You float on my thoughts
 1
like blueberries in a bowl
 2
of white crème;
 3
a little sweet,
 4
a little froth,
 5
many shades of blue.
 6
 
 
I try to float with you
 7
but I sink every time
 8
I remember the way
 9
your eyes locked on mine
 10
when you said, “This is not
 11
a fairy tale and you
 12
are not a child.”
 13
 
 
I watch the current of time
 14
sweeping you away,
 15
day by lonely day,
 16
wishing I had learned to swim
 17
as well as I have learned to weep.
 18

29 Jan 07

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Comments:

Ooooh...Isabelle...

I love the correlation between the saltwater tides & weeping.   This is awesome; not what I would have expected.

Okay...

Might I suggest the following? :

L1
You float INSIDE as opposed to IN my thoughts

L2
Maybe insert a verb?  (blueberries floating, bobbing, bouncing, drowning)?  Hmmm...

cutting "sweet" from L3 or L4 for fear of redundance

cut L6 entirely

semicolon at the end of L8

L11 "is not"  where you're using a contraction in L12-L13 (one or the other) for grammatical balance

L's 14-19  are stunning!  

L19 HAVE learned to balance the past progressive in L17 (HAD learned)

This has all the makings of love gone awry a la Rod McKuen and all the magic lies truly within the last six lines of this poem.  The title could also become maybe
"Saltwater  Blue,"  "Blue Tide,"  "Tide in Blue," "Rinse Cycle"  -  just some food 4 thought.

Love it!  Your poetry gets better and better every time.  Kudos, my friend.  Kudos.
 — starr

Thank you, Starry-eyes!  I will print the comments and mull it over when I have a break.  imc
 — Isabelle5

Starr, Starr, made some changes.  I did remove one sweet, good catch.  White creme works better since I don't want to lose the other sweet.

I did change isn't to is not, another good call.  Plus, I added have in the last line.  I can hear the missing word in my head but it is better to have it written.

I absoluely cannot remove the lines about shades of blue, as it is not only referring to the berries but to my changing moods as I think of this person.  I change in to on, which makes more sense than in or inside.

A semi colon won't work at the end of line 8 as it's not a phase of it's own.  It's this way - I try to float with you but I sink every time I remember, etc.

Thank you very much for the helpful comments.  Collaboration of the best kind and shows the real spirit of the site.

Don't you wish we had a poet of the month award, something to give to the most helpful comments and that kind of thing?  It would never work but it would be good!

hahaha
 — Isabelle5

Beautiful, Isa, dreamy and beautiful. Sad in a sensual kind of way.

The last 3 lines seem a little awkward in rhythm. How about:

wishing I had learned
to swim
as well as
I have learned to weep
 — JustineCH

Funny, I didn't write the lines in this to actually have a breaking point at the end, Justine.  Let me think about that.  I don't read other people's work that way, either, only break if there is a comma or some other indicator, not just the end of a line.  Thanks for the thought.
 — Isabelle5

Justine, took your suggestion on the ending.  Thank you, it does work better.  imc
 — Isabelle5

has some merit. the last paragraph is terribly trite and the last line is wimpy.
 — unknown

Isabelle!  You're welcome ANYTIME.  It reads a lot better now; more confidently.  I'd maybe re-break L's 8&9.  There's a strange clunk at the end of L8 leading into L9 because of this enjambment.  Otherwise, an EXCELLENT reworking of something that already worked to begin with, but that just needed a little more seasoning, shall we say.  Very nice!
 — starr

Starr, is that line break better on 8-9?  I can't 'hear' it the way everyone seems to be listening.  
 — Isabelle5

Okay...mornin', Isabelle:  In response to your question:   This is how it reads as is:

L7 I try to float with you
L8 but I sink every time.

Then it seems as if a NEW sentence begins w/L9:
I remember the way...

I would REBREAK L7 into L8 like this:

L7 I try to float with you
L8 but I sink every time I remember the way
L9 your eyes locked on mine...

...or somethin' like that.

The way it is reads now, it seems as if L8 just ENDS and L9 begins a new sentence.

Do ya hear it NOW?

Otherwise, absolutely poignant writing.  Your stuff as of late tells me that there are songs in your heart and the melodies are coming through crystal clear.  Good work on this and on Travelling Song in D Minor.  Keep on singin'!
 — starr

beautiful
 — kite

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