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Sore Arm
iamswanson

As I'm waiting for my
 1
cervical cancer shot
 2
a cute little girl
 3
runs by
 4
and jumps into
 5
her daddy's lap
 6
 
 
And I think
 7
one day
 8
she will be here
 9
getting this shot
 10
because some
 11
untrustworthy motherfucker
 12
whom she can't seem
 13
to stop loving
 14
refuses to
 15
wrap it up
 16

28 Jan 07

Rated 7.7 (7.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 7, 9
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

wrap it up?
 — ducktape

Sweeeet..  Another great poem.  Good stuff.
 — CervusWright

You don't need lines 1-2:

As I'm waiting for my cervical canter shot
a little girl runs by...

S2, too many words:
L8- I think one day
she will be here
getting this shot...

I almost like this but don't. I thought about why for a while. Your writing is interesting, but you hint at your anger without sharing. I feel like you haven't written the real poem, which is about the subject of L13. I also don't like poems that tell "how its gonna be" for everyone. Her life isn't yours.

On the other hand this is fairly artful, so props for that.
 — rocket

I just saw from your description that you're 15 - if that's true than this is a great effort for your age. It reads like it was written by someone much older.
 — rocket

I made the changes rocket. But it's missing something still. I don't exactly know what though. It just seems too short.

And of course I'm not 15. I'm 16 now!! :p
 — iamswanson

um.. wrap it up.. like a condom
 — unknown

any more comments?
 — iamswanson

First, I must say that I lol'd.
The line breaks make it a little bit choppy, maybe rearrange them so that there are a few more words to each one and it flows smoother. For some reason, the end of the first stanza seems to be a little awkward. Maybe it's the endearing term, which clashes with L12. I must say that while the paradox is humorous, the endearment of "daddy" is in the wrong place, so it seems ironic in the wrong direction.
 — FangzOfFire

ok, good double entendre at the end, but too many line breaks.
 — aerol

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