| Glass Enclosure |
JoelJosol
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A decommissioned body
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1 |
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is enclosed
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in glass.
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Friends examine
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how close the resemblance
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of was to is,
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6 |
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comparing notes,
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and pointing fingers
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to petty discrepancies,
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as if it were
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a document examined
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for fidelity.
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12 |
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Visitors
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queue up to see
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the glass enclosure,
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to check how worn out the life
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displayed. Perhaps the signs
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will be self-explanatory.
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Around it,
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dissonant voices
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mingle with the yellow light
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cast on its surface,
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where both noise and silence
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kiss.
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26 Jan 07 |
Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 8, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
awesome.
— ducktape
Thanks, ducktape.
— JoelJosol
maybe the concept breaks with "noise of life", for me, since all the images have been expressed in a realm of the visual. and i'd expect some image, then, of "visual noise", like, maybe the flashes of light off the rolexes or diamonds of the mourners.
one way to bring this off though, as you have it, it to introduce the conceit of "noisy gawkers" with a "virtual noise"...
"crashings of visitors,
the noise of life mingles
with neon light,
glass reflecting noise
and silence and kiss."
or better.
— mikebauer
Mike, I know what you mean. I edited that line with "dissonance of voices".
— JoelJosol
Nice work. I really like L11-12.
In the last stanza consider a stronger phrasing:
Dissonant voices mingle
with the yellow light
cast around its surface...
— rocket
Oops, I mistakenly moved "around" to the last line of my comment, but you get the idea.
— rocket
Rocket, you're right. Verb should be more aggressive.
— JoelJosol
Wow ... jus perfect.
— trochee
try changing the title - "transparent" and "glass" are almost redundant, and give no fresh image to the reader
— guy_fawkes
OK, I have changed it.
— JoelJosol
Ooh, very nice. Is this something like dead saints, dead kings and queens? I've never seen anyone in a glass case. Noise and silence kissed - love that line and the 'was to is." (wink-of course I like that!)
— Isabelle5
Isabelle, I actually wrote it with a mentor who died last year in mind.
— JoelJosol
Edited 'kissed' to 'kiss' of L24.
— JoelJosol
I can see and feel what you're going for, but you've left me at the boarding gate. We never get the chance to get on your plane. What else is going on. What do you smell? Is their a funeral caretaker/mortician to describe, what is the mood, is there music playing? Was the old aunt behind you wearing Wind Song? Come on, this is a dick-tease--give the reader more and you'll really have something here.
— aforbing
aforbing, I'll see if I can sustain the story of the poem. I'll be back.
— JoelJosol
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