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Black Summer
Mongrol

as the light sinks behind torn cloud
 1
chill fingers work their way through
 2
raven black
 3
hair still damp from the river.
 4
 
 
behind the veil her white hand moves
 5
shadow and she walks through walls
 6
turning once
 7
to leave an impression of her passing.
 8
 
 
half closed eyes unfocused on faded
 9
shapes of blackthorn hedges bordering
 10
an empty
 11
cold field in misty still morning.
 12
 
 
the life i saw lighten her so pale
 13
face and turn her sour mouth into
 14
a smile
 15
when i took that chance and said be mine.
 16
 
 
this light i saw then thunder storming
 17
dark foul air, her violence curses
 18
my name
 19
on her lips painted with poison.
 20
 
 
those eyes, those terrible eyes lined
 21
with joy and drawing me in by their
 22
black fathoms
 23
when she sat on the grass in the sun.
 24
 
 
she tasted of metal and scowled into
 25
the empty space just to one side where
 26
she sat,
 27
legs tucked side-saddle under old lace skirt.
 28
 
 
her magpie eyes targeted me and viewed me
 29
as a morsel to be plucked and swallowed
 30
entirely whole,
 31
her gentle fingers brushed dust from my mouth.
 32
 
 
a swarming volary and magnetic force
 33
gathered round her magdelene head in
 34
perfect profile,
 35
settling unkindness and removing thorns from her skin.
 36
 
 
she looked unwashed with a great deliberation
 37
she scattered herself here and there in
 38
all moments,
 39
naked and without decoration she was pale in my shadow.
 40
 
 
how she swirls in the soft air currents from the
 41
river bank fringed with heavy balms and tall
 42
rosebay willowherb,
 43
her smile is all crooked and her nails grow too long.
 44
 
 
so she took me then all white and smooth
 45
but my hands passed through her knowing love was
 46
pure terror,
 47
to be so afraid of how much you love someone
 48



very much a work in progress and is open to editing and alteration

25 Jan 07

Rated 8.7 (8.8) by 8 users.
Active (8): 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 8, 10

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Comments:

very much a
nice poem.
i thinking some
thes
could stand removal?
 — chuckles

hmm ok chuckles i will give that a go
 — Mongrol

I like this very much.
What would you think about changing the first stanza to present tense as well?
Respectfully, till
 — tillmorgan

Yes Tilly - i think you're right - the moment should be captured in the now, not the then

thank you :)
 — Mongrol

I also agree with taking out a few thes but what about this instead?
as light sinks behind the torn cloud
chill fingers work their way through...

the last line is haunting. a very nice ending.
All done- tilly
 — tillmorgan

yes - i missed line 2's editing for some reason - i'll do that now :)
 — Mongrol

updated
 — Mongrol

Ooh, I smell ghosts and old dreams.  How will this be progressing, Poet?  More story or changes to this poem?  It's fine as is I think.
 — Isabelle5

Hi again Isabelle - well yes - ghosts - memories - old dreams - are a theme i seem to be exploring a lot lately :)

I'm not sure how this will progress :/ -  i want to tell the reader something about the person i am trying to capture here in the words... but im having some difficulty - i know her so well but i seem to end up just being descriptive rather than telling a story ...

we shall see though :)
 — Mongrol

-updated-
 — Mongrol

--updated--
 — Mongrol

What in the name of Vanna White is your school mascot? Interesting. 6/10
 — Henry

i dont go to school - so no school mascot :)
 — Mongrol

---updated---
 — Mongrol

I really enjoyed reading this poem, it has sent chills down my spine - brilliant!
 — Majida

amazing. amazing. amazing. the imagery in lines 13-24 is breathtaking, the description you give of this "her" is just so vivid and full of differant emotions. lines 13-16 seem like its the beginning of a relationship, 17-20 are like the argument parts and 21-24 is like being drawn in to "her" again. i can really connect with this.
 — infinity

do you have her phone #? i love to shortcircuit ideals of romance.
 — unknown

Beautiful the way it is.
 — Andiam

thank you for your comments :)

she was indeed a person of wide emotional variables - dangerous beauty you might say ;)
 — Mongrol

--updated-
 — Mongrol

-new stanza added-
 — Mongrol

-small addition to line 17-
 — Mongrol

-2 new verses-
 — Mongrol

A lot of potential here, keep working on it.
 — larrylark

thanks Larry :)
 — Mongrol

-a new verse-
 — Mongrol

I love "magpie eyes"--hell, that whole
stanza is great--
Which makes me question the 6th stanza-
I think it could be replaced with the 8th
and the rest would flow just as smoothly.
Also, line 44 doesn't seem right. Makes me think
'too strong, too long' compared to what- and it's not
a strong last line to such a wonderful piece.
I can't wait to see where you takes this.
enjoyed.
 — Krttika

interesting Krrtika - your input is most welcome - will be considering revisions after reading what you've said

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

-new verse-
 — Mongrol

any suggestions for the reworking of the last line in the last stanza? im not happy with it but it conveys the idea i wanted - but just not in the way its being said there
 — Mongrol

Oh my goodness! Every new poem I read of yours just makes me even more astounded buy how you capture beauty and passion in your writing.
 — Jenz

it's so fucking drrryy.
 — OKcomputer

how so Okcomp?

i have to say there's a few things about this im not happy with my self and will be making a full revision when i feel its completed - probably shortening it quite a bit - im not sure yet.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

this is very good. I like it. It's kinda riddly and confusing, but thats what I like about it.
 — horsie

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