poetry critical

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Mourning of the Night Sky

Softly cries the birds of the night sky
as the moon glowed into its sorrow,
the winds then lull as if to sigh
and the stars pray for the morrow.
No lovers meet in secluded kiss
once envisioned for this stage,
as like before in romantic bliss
breathed poets upon the page.
The oceans wave to the passing of time
and its wisdom,  seeks not a man
who blind eyed in his downward climb
as forth progress raped natures plan.
But the moon still dreams as with the stars
birds trust within their flocks;
that the eve yet may press closed the scars
and passions heal the Goddess Nox.
Feel still the winds dance in your hair
lay slumber as it yearns long to play,
but as amber dawn bequeaths the chair
the night lost, mournfully bows down to day.

25 Jan 07

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Crafted quite beutifully.  The only tiny bit that doesn't convey clearly, at least to me, is the mention of the chair in line 19.
Respectfully, till
 — tillmorgan

very nice
very rhymygood
L4 i think it would neat if it were
kind of a dubble meaning thingy, that still makes sense
L15 is horrible- please fix the rhythym...
cool words
 — chuckles

I politely disagree with chuckles about line 15.  I really love the rhymes for 13 and 15.  And I understand completely the pressing scars closed, Vonche.
It's the flocks/Goddess Nox rhymes I'd vote as most forced and bumpy.
And hey- what about the meter?  Is it supposed to be consistent? I can't make out what form is being applied.  Of course, there doesn't have to be any, as I said before I really like the poem.
 — tillmorgan

Hallo and thank you for your words. Yes I know there are problems, that is why I am here. I love poetry und I am learning englisch now, so I thought this would help me understand quicker.  I am not so sure now, it take much time write!
It is important to me to hear from you. If I do not respond quickly, it is because I do not know all your words to. - Ha - I thought prey idea was interesting. Meter I hope improves with me.
 — Vonche

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