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Mourning of the Night Sky
Vonche

Softly cries the birds of the night sky
 1
as the moon glowed into its sorrow,
 2
the winds then lull as if to sigh
 3
and the stars pray for the morrow.
 4
 
 
No lovers meet in secluded kiss
 5
once envisioned for this stage,
 6
as like before in romantic bliss
 7
breathed poets upon the page.
 8
 
 
The oceans wave to the passing of time
 9
and its wisdom,  seeks not a man
 10
who blind eyed in his downward climb
 11
as forth progress raped natures plan.
 12
 
 
But the moon still dreams as with the stars
 13
birds trust within their flocks;
 14
that the eve yet may press closed the scars
 15
and passions heal the Goddess Nox.
 16
 
 
Feel still the winds dance in your hair
 17
lay slumber as it yearns long to play,
 18
but as amber dawn bequeaths the chair
 19
the night lost, mournfully bows down to day.
 20

25 Jan 07

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Comments:

Crafted quite beutifully.  The only tiny bit that doesn't convey clearly, at least to me, is the mention of the chair in line 19.
Respectfully, till
 — tillmorgan

wellthen
very nice
very rhymygood
L4 i think it would neat if it were
prey
kind of a dubble meaning thingy, that still makes sense
also
L15 is horrible- please fix the rhythym...
cool words
 — chuckles

I politely disagree with chuckles about line 15.  I really love the rhymes for 13 and 15.  And I understand completely the pressing scars closed, Vonche.
It's the flocks/Goddess Nox rhymes I'd vote as most forced and bumpy.
And hey- what about the meter?  Is it supposed to be consistent? I can't make out what form is being applied.  Of course, there doesn't have to be any, as I said before I really like the poem.
 — tillmorgan

Hallo and thank you for your words. Yes I know there are problems, that is why I am here. I love poetry und I am learning englisch now, so I thought this would help me understand quicker.  I am not so sure now, it take much time write!
It is important to me to hear from you. If I do not respond quickly, it is because I do not know all your words to. - Ha - I thought prey idea was interesting. Meter I hope improves with me.
 — Vonche

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