poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Royalty
Unbelievable

I’m the one in control tonight
 1
Don’t start with me you’ll lose this fight
 2
I don’t want to hear what you’re saying
 3
Do me a favor stop your preaching.
 4
 
 
I’m sick of you telling me what to do
 5
Cause I’m through with you,
 6
Sick of being treated like a girl.
 7
 
 
I’m not fragile, I won’t brake
 8
Yes I can get hurt, but so can you,
 9
Trust me I can handle you.
 10
 
 
That’s it! I’m through being nice
 11
Now its time for you to pay the price,
 12
Shut up! I’m giving the orders this time
 13
Now you’ll pay for your crimes.
 14
 
 
I’m not going to be gentle or sweet
 15
Instead I'll treat you like slab of meat,
 16
Like a tasty little treat.
 17
 
 
Screw submission
 18
This is my administration.
 19
I’m the one in power
 20
The lady of this ungodly hour;
 21
 
 
Welcome to my kingdom
 22
Were you have no freedom,
 23
I rule supreme.
 24
Kiss the hand of your queen.
 25
 
 
Bend your knee in subjection to me
 26
Say that you serve only me
 27
Confess my sovereignty.
 28
 
 
I leave you no way out,
 29
Give you no room to doubt.
 30
Accept your helplessness.
 31
 
 
I'll tie you down
 32
Sh! Don't make a sound,
 33
Feel my blade grace your skin
 34
Tremble as it goes within,
 35
Don’t' fight it,
 36
you know you love it.
 37
 
 
Now your ready to savor pure ecstasy
 38
Enter my realm of S&M fantasy
 39
I'll love you like a goddess
 40
Hurt like I'm godless
 41
Make you taste endless bliss
 42
Mingled with pain and agony.
 43
 
 
We lie together
 44
As inseparable lovers,
 45
I hurt you, you hurt me,
 46
we both get off this way
 47
I hurt you, you hurt me.
 48

24 Jan 07


(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

please tell me you're like 13 and have never written any poetry before
 — turtlepoet

Ok, if you can't say something constructive don't say anything. I am very open to critique, but not comments like that.
 — Unbelievable

right on the money turtle

please see my previous comment on what to trash
 — unknown

I'm not 13. I have written poetry before, I've been published, won a couple awards at my county fair and have been told by several people (not related to me or that I know very well) that I am a talented writer.  I think I should keep this piece between my lover and myself.
 — Unbelievable

The only thing more disturbing than the poem is your last comment. You really need to deflate your ego a bit, this is not a good poem. Must be a very small county fair I'm guessing. I am not trying to discourage you, although with that ego I doubt it would sink in anyway, but you really need help and should listen to advice.
 — unknown

Oh, dear. For a subject so 'loaded', this poem is too light weight. I'm sure you can do much better. It needs to be more direct, imperative and forceful, if you are to call yourself a dominatrix ... Good title, though!
 — unknown

I was trying to listen to advice, I didn't say I thought I was a good poet, just that I couldn't be the worst on the planet.  I do plan to revise it some more, and thank you for your last comment, that one was actually helpful.  Like I have said before, I am very open to critique.  By the way its not helpful to put someone's work down, like turtle did.  Thats why I said what I said in my comment.  
 — Unbelievable

ok, I went through and edited it some and hopfully intensified it.  I'm not sure about the last couple lines, oh well, maybe its a bit better now....  
 — Unbelievable

all i can say is
i think turtle didn't like it
because it dragged on and told a story
as most poems do but with poems you must be abstract
and inconclusive
don't give us every detail
if your going to write something like this again
don't drag it on grab key points from each stanza
and bring them together. maybe?
 — unknown

Newest (expand)
  • quack quack
  • ...And Moving On...
  • Black Girl
  • Sorry Luck
  • Randomness
  • flashback to valentines day
  • There are No Refills for Shattered Glass
  • The Birth of Guilt
  • Cycle of Escapism
  • Never Again
  • Nude Thoughts (explicit contents)
  • Kimberly
  • Silica, soda and Limestone
  • A Troubling Thing
  • An ever depleating resourse
Recently Commented (expand)
0.573s