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I like where this is heading but there is not enough descriptive element unless we know the outside source I can't really judge this
I like the content of the poem, though I'm not so sure about the spattering of rhymes - it might be better if they could be avoided or hidden more within the poem.
i'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say unless you know the outside source. Kendell, what exactly is it you object to about the rhyme? does it create any particular affect, i'd change it if i could think of any appropriate words that didn't rhyme, they weren't deliberate but just seem to fit with the rhythm