poetry critical

online poetry workshop

reluctant pugilist

When I saw you
On the operating table
Didn’t know if you’d pull through
(a sense of déjà vu)
You’d never been a fighter
Ever since you were born
With those spindly little jaundiced arms
(rushed straight to ICU)
And hands (so tiny)
They looked like they’d never form fists
Let alone pummel somebody
Or demand your time in the spotlight
But you did
I’ve always wondered why
Maybe because
We have much bigger, stronger arms
And we fought for you,
Before we even knew you
Because you were ours.

24 Jan 07

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I like where this is heading but there is not enough descriptive element unless we know the outside source I can't really judge this
 — turtlepoet

I like the content of the poem, though I'm not so sure about the spattering of rhymes - it might be better if they could be avoided or hidden more within the poem.
 — kendell

i'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say unless you know the outside source. Kendell, what exactly is it you object to about the rhyme? does it create any particular affect, i'd change it if i could think of any appropriate words that didn't rhyme, they weren't deliberate but just seem to fit with the rhythm
 — skyline