poetry critical

online poetry workshop



reluctant pugilist
skyline

When I saw you
 1
On the operating table
 2
Didn’t know if you’d pull through
 3
(a sense of déjà vu)
 4
You’d never been a fighter
 5
Ever since you were born
 6
With those spindly little jaundiced arms
 7
(rushed straight to ICU)
 8
And hands (so tiny)
 9
They looked like they’d never form fists
 10
Let alone pummel somebody
 11
Or demand your time in the spotlight
 12
But you did
 13
I’ve always wondered why
 14
Maybe because
 15
We have much bigger, stronger arms
 16
And we fought for you,
 17
Before we even knew you
 18
Because you were ours.
 19

24 Jan 07

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Comments:

I like where this is heading but there is not enough descriptive element unless we know the outside source I can't really judge this
 — turtlepoet

I like the content of the poem, though I'm not so sure about the spattering of rhymes - it might be better if they could be avoided or hidden more within the poem.
 — kendell

i'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say unless you know the outside source. Kendell, what exactly is it you object to about the rhyme? does it create any particular affect, i'd change it if i could think of any appropriate words that didn't rhyme, they weren't deliberate but just seem to fit with the rhythm
 — skyline

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