poetry critical

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at the laundromat on army post road

an african american man
with a leather chicago bears derby
and three gaudy rings on his left hand
he's telling me louisiana's where its at
how he's getting together financing
for a used bulldozer and a front end loader
big money to be made on clean up
government contracts up the ying yang
he's going down there to make his fortune
and if i want in
all i have to say is jump
your loss he says
as he finishes his laundry and
drives off in a beaten chevy cavalier
leaving me wondering
if the fresher hell
is being saddled with the desire for money
or flattened as i am
by the numbness
of wanting nothing.

24 Jan 07

Rated 8.3 (8) by 14 users.
Active (14): 1, 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 1, 3, 9, 9, 10, 10

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(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

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i really love this, especially lines 15-20.

i personally like the lack of punctuation. it reads like a story randomly being told.
 — rosemary

I love this poem for one reason alone. I have found that in poetry a lack of punctuation forces the reader first to narrate it themselves changing pauses and inflections as they see fit but it also touches them more where the need it rather than in a designated area of their life in this case my personal preferance will overshadow my judgment  a perfect **********
 — turtlepoet

i really like this
 — SolCarloman

Awesome!  Amazing, the poetry that comes from brief encounters (and rinse cycles) with strangers.
 — starr

good poem, reads well, 16-20 is awesome
 — gjenkins

good. nice, really.
 — listen

this is pretty and poetic, lyrical... a musical song set in an exotic location, and with an appealing character. the beginning is beguiling... all the sounds splashing together emulsify my head and i go with you right where you want to put me.

the sentiment at the end is kind of just "wish i...", but i can let that pass because the ride on your v.w. bus was so cool.

the fresher hell is greedy for money,
like the coins in the dryer, drying my
desire into only sittin' here watching
cause i ain't never goin't to go.

 — mikebauer

I don't like it.
 — unknown

Had to drop on by for another dose of this incredible poem.  I just wanted to add that I LOVE the last two lines.  They say so much in so little words.  Good job.  Ignore the haters.  They're just jealous cuz they can't write as well as you do.  The "10" rating still stands.  Take care.
 — starr

I miss my nihilism, now pressed as I am into the crispy folds of money lust.
Thanks for the reminder.
 — aurelius

this was a good ride.
 — jezkuh

Greta ending to a superb poem.

larry wild schemes lark
 — larrylark


thanks for reading,
and the comments.

 — unknown

wow, this is really great! a real snapshot and very nicely written
I especially like the last four lines, they're strong and touching.
 — sparrow

This is good stuff, but could do with a little punctuating.  I pictured it.  I felt like I could see the guy and smell the laundry.  Ready my poem "Linens" some time and "smell the roses".  
 — aforbing


thanks for reading.

justin hyde.
 — unknown

The words are great, but the lack of punctuation is freaking with my head. But maybe that's good; maybe that's what you're looking for.

A good read, definitely worth having to piece it together.

 — zack

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 — unknown

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