poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Steven Irwin isn't dead, he's locked up in my basement.

how many people are going to
have to suffer because of me?
how many animals do i have to eat
to take out a whole species
of our ugly second half,
how many dreaded friday nights
do i still have left
to fuck and cheat and steal from those
who love and shove food down my throat?
how much power do i have
over people who see medifferently,
who mistake my credibility,
who misunderstand my nonsense
wrote so poetically
for some kind of intellectual understanding
of anything.
all i have to say is something
no else can understand
and all of the god damn sudden,
i'm a genuis. infamity has
taken me and spoiled me
to vacancy of key emotions
i used to own them
but now they're lonely
thrown out by dozens
i don't need feelings
to be above them
i just need my lyrics and my
body to fuck your mind and maybe some-
day when the sky is falling and
the ground is muddy
people will realize who i was then
back in high school, that
girl who never answered questions
just scribbled nonsense
down on her paper and threw it out
she'd scream and shout for equal rights
and talk about things she's seen
around the world in magazines
there i was, just fifteen
ready to throw every towel
and every dream i had was
dead, and how about me?
was i dead yet? well it seemed
i had no mind, no body
language. i talked with my eyes
and made sure that caged in
and locked up tight, i had
my feelings, they slept
underneath myself. kept
underneath everything else
and when they were needed
i drowned out every reason
all the logic i've grown up on
and pushed them even deeper
in me, i pushed them even
deeper to see if i could make
it up again, if i could make
it up to them and just give in
like time and time again.

23 Jan 07

Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 2 users.
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Are you in love with the dreaded F word?  This poem might make people think so.

I don't really see a clear reference to Steve Irwin.  I do see a lot of repetition but it isn't helping the point shine through very well.  Can you add some white space?  That will help a little, too.  
 — Isabelle5

I think swearing can be very effective at certain times, but this was not one of them.  I like to think of them as "power" words because they leave such an impression, but repeated use robbed them of that prestige. It also comes across as half illiterate because it's used so commonplace and as a vehicle for the inexpressive.

I hope I didn't sound to harsh, I did enjoy reading it.
 — ToddW19

L49 break after 'body' and put 'language' on L50

Very eminem, there are some good breaks here, I get the feeling that the author has written other pieces in a less… erm ..abrasive format. I think that this may seem like a rant but I rather suspect it’s a tad more considered it has some good portions.

Titles an attention grabber – but I would think that many will feel cheated out of the shock and disrespect they were hoping read.
 — unknown

i removed most "f bombs". some were needed. whatever.

why does everyone always say my writing reminds them of eminem?
 — unknown

Because your fighting for your own voice. I liked this once you seemed to settle into your technique. Ive heard "ballsy" been used around this site, and until now have been unable to agree. As for omitting particular profanities, Fuck em! these are words too, damn fine descriptive words. Tighten this up, it'll be worth it.
 — SolCarloman

i'm not really sure how to "tighten it up"
 — unknown

Tighten up means lose the lines that are not absolutely needed and pare it down to the essentials.  It's your call, of course.
 — Isabelle5

i likme this mainly because it reminds me of one of my poems - quite a lot in fact
 — Mongrol

every line is essential, why are people so scared of long poetry
 — unknown

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