poetry critical

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Steven Irwin isn't dead, he's locked up in my basement.
unknown

how many people are going to
 1
have to suffer because of me?
 2
how many animals do i have to eat
 3
to take out a whole species
 4
of our ugly second half,
 5
how many dreaded friday nights
 6
do i still have left
 7
to fuck and cheat and steal from those
 8
who love and shove food down my throat?
 9
how much power do i have
 10
over people who see medifferently,
 11
who mistake my credibility,
 12
who misunderstand my nonsense
 13
wrote so poetically
 14
for some kind of intellectual understanding
 15
of anything.
 16
all i have to say is something
 17
no else can understand
 18
and all of the god damn sudden,
 19
i'm a genuis. infamity has
 20
taken me and spoiled me
 21
to vacancy of key emotions
 22
i used to own them
 23
but now they're lonely
 24
thrown out by dozens
 25
i don't need feelings
 26
to be above them
 27
i just need my lyrics and my
 28
body to fuck your mind and maybe some-
 29
day when the sky is falling and
 30
the ground is muddy
 31
people will realize who i was then
 32
back in high school, that
 33
girl who never answered questions
 34
just scribbled nonsense
 35
down on her paper and threw it out
 36
she'd scream and shout for equal rights
 37
and talk about things she's seen
 38
around the world in magazines
 39
there i was, just fifteen
 40
ready to throw every towel
 41
and every dream i had was
 42
dead, and how about me?
 43
was i dead yet? well it seemed
 44
i had no mind, no body
 45
language. i talked with my eyes
 46
and made sure that caged in
 47
and locked up tight, i had
 48
my feelings, they slept
 49
underneath myself. kept
 50
underneath everything else
 51
and when they were needed
 52
i drowned out every reason
 53
all the logic i've grown up on
 54
and pushed them even deeper
 55
in me, i pushed them even
 56
deeper to see if i could make
 57
it up again, if i could make
 58
it up to them and just give in
 59
like time and time again.
 60

23 Jan 07

Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

Are you in love with the dreaded F word?  This poem might make people think so.

I don't really see a clear reference to Steve Irwin.  I do see a lot of repetition but it isn't helping the point shine through very well.  Can you add some white space?  That will help a little, too.  
 — Isabelle5

I think swearing can be very effective at certain times, but this was not one of them.  I like to think of them as "power" words because they leave such an impression, but repeated use robbed them of that prestige. It also comes across as half illiterate because it's used so commonplace and as a vehicle for the inexpressive.

I hope I didn't sound to harsh, I did enjoy reading it.
 — ToddW19

L49 break after 'body' and put 'language' on L50

Very eminem, there are some good breaks here, I get the feeling that the author has written other pieces in a less… erm ..abrasive format. I think that this may seem like a rant but I rather suspect it’s a tad more considered it has some good portions.

Titles an attention grabber – but I would think that many will feel cheated out of the shock and disrespect they were hoping read.
 — unknown

i removed most "f bombs". some were needed. whatever.


why does everyone always say my writing reminds them of eminem?
 — unknown

Because your fighting for your own voice. I liked this once you seemed to settle into your technique. Ive heard "ballsy" been used around this site, and until now have been unable to agree. As for omitting particular profanities, Fuck em! these are words too, damn fine descriptive words. Tighten this up, it'll be worth it.
 — SolCarloman

i'm not really sure how to "tighten it up"
 — unknown

Tighten up means lose the lines that are not absolutely needed and pare it down to the essentials.  It's your call, of course.
 — Isabelle5

i likme this mainly because it reminds me of one of my poems - quite a lot in fact
 — Mongrol

every line is essential, why are people so scared of long poetry
 — unknown

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