poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Heartbreak is Like a Stain
unknown

Heartbreak is that red wine stain on the living room carpet
 1
Where we danced on our anniversary
 2
You brought me yellow roses that smelled and looked as though they had just bloomed
 3
We laughed over a dinner of chicken and pasta –
 4
Nothing extravagant, but cooked with love
 5
 
 
The type of love I read about in fairytales
 6
That made me dream about our wedding
 7
As I placed the yellow roses in a vase your mother bought me
 8
 
 
Then
 9
You stopped cooking for me
 10
The roses neglected, shriveled and turned brown
 11
And the laughing turned into screams
 12
We danced a solo dance now,
 13
One filled with awkward limbs and movements much too fast for the music
 14
 
 
We thought the laughing and the love was forever
 15
Now it has crashed, like an accident,
 16
Like that glass of red wine crashed to the floor
 17
The ugly red stain is what will last forever
 18

creative writing assignment, suggestions please

22 Jan 07


(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

do you read alot of danielle steel then?
 — jeremybeadle

i liked this poem.
 — inutile

nice. i liked it although i think it could have been touched up in some places. for one, i think the image of the wilted rose in line 11 has been used before and possibly you could have utilized a more original and affective symbol/image. or, if you want to use the roses possibly write "the yellow petals wizened, they crumble into a brown reverse halo". possibly focusing on something else more abstract in that image could make it more poetic (sorry, this is simply my own personal opinion, you don't have to take anything by it). hmm there were a few other lines that possibly you could have adjusted. i think possibly you could have altered line 6 so that it doesn't match with those teenage girl-ish poems (i'm not at all insisting that your poem is cliche, i simply think several things could be changed to match your better, stronger images). so, for line 6 possibly you could have written instead "The love of which I've considered purely artifical". nonetheless, fabulous piece. you had a lot of orginiality. i thought it was genius when you wrote "We danced a solo dance now,  
One filled with awkward limbs and movements much too fast for the music". also, i think you compared the two scenes and got your message across clearly yet orginially and poetically. well done. hope i've helped.  rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Im not sure what to say I definatly am not the best writter, but from a readers point of view I have to say it sounds all very familiar, cliche, too predictable. like the cooked with love part or the usage of flowers to represent time (fresh and new to wilted) im not sure what your creative writing assignment was but try to make it not so predictable and i think youll have something
 — wisgirl2007

Inutile likes shit too.
 — unknown

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