poetry critical

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shadow rising.

it is in moments dead-
quiet and still-
skin starts to sweat.
the flesh under nails
begins to itch, eyes
glaciate. screams
rest in throat
and whispers in mind,
muscles tense.
i grow stronger
with every twitch
of frothing lips.
and only with the sound
of bared teeth sinking
into your beating heart
will my other rest.
but for now
i will watch you graze
with inimitable ease
on decadence;
naive, helpless,
careless, apparently

22 Jan 07

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this is good, as usual, but I think there's room for improvement.

moments dead-like doesn't work for me. I think this would be more effective if you simply stripped like as a suffix; maybe something like 'it is in dead moments, quiet and still', or 'it is in moments dead / quiet and still,'.

I very much like 'eyes glaciate'.

interesting what you've got going with screams resting in the throat and whispers in mind; one would assume (at least in my case) that it works the other way around. like a whisper resides and grows inside the mind until it wants to come out as a scream, at which point it finds itself caught in the throat. anyway, interesting juxtaposition here. the following bit, though (muscles tensing) feels weaker and maybe a little out of place. I'd consider dropping it or restating it in a way that is more befitting for the rest of the piece. maybe 'muscles quiver', or tremble. you know how they always say 'show me, don't tell me?' (who are 'they' anyway?) I think this is a case where I'm being told where I'd rather be shown.

frothing lips is good.

perhaps you can explain this to me, but I'm unclear on 'I will watch you graze'. I was expecting L20 to introduce something concrete which the speaker was watching the subject graze (i.e. I will watch you graze/with inimitable ease/a peanut butter and jelly sandwich). what is being grazed, exactly? why do I feel lost here? perhaps my own shortcoming?

I've gotta say, also, that 'pastures of self-righteousness' felt a little over the top to me. an interesting metaphor, but I'd like to see the image of the pasture replaced. too often, I think, are pastures used as a vehicle to demonstrate vastness.

I can't articulate what exactly about the last line vexes me, but I'd like to see it redone, too. I feel like it delivers too much of a punch too quickly. I think even breaking it up: "and apparently / free." would be be beneficial to the ebb & flow of the piece.

no doubt, though, that this is a very striking piece in its sentiment and (somewhat less so) its language.

well done as usual, as usual, as usual.


p.s. how are things?
 — theair

thanks for the comment and suggestions, air.

things are usual. how about you?
 — varun

cheerchick, thanks for favouriting.
 — varun

i suggest varun and  theair are performing mental foreplay thru poems.

exchange thoughts not fluids

asians 4 abstinence
 — unknown

melikes the changes. looking better.
 — theair

thanks for help air.

anyone else?
 — varun

okay seriously you nailed the flow, i couldn't ask for a better one. but this reads like an average poem. i am confused upon reading it, because i don't know what else to think.

 — listen

okay, thanks listen.

 — unknown