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HeatQuake
madderhatter

Daffodil sunspots flood
 1
down your spine
 2
of poppy fields-
 3
greets windows
 4
and blank judges.
 5
California kissed you hard, honey-
 6
licked the salty sand
 7
off the back of your tired heels,
 8
bleach-wasted
 9
your locks into yellow straw.
 10
 
 
You're a disgrace
 11
 
 
Winter brought you to your hips
 12
in icy regret.
 13
Read:
 14
Young philanthropic blonde spinning a lollipop
 15
lusting on her white pills at the back table,
 16
popping hourly
 17
for her Orangina dream to materialize
 18
and spread her knees.
 19
 
 
You make me so damned sick
 20
 
 
Drive escapes, clutch undepressed,
 21
third gear never acquired.
 22
Stillness sets.
 23
She tilts the glass.
 24
Engine stall.
 25
Rollback.
 26
Freefall into a handful
 27
of white pellets,
 28
a gulp and
 29
four shots of bourbon later.
 30
 
 
Full of promise, you were
 31
 
 
A running
 32
or breakdown sequence
 33
would be a nice touch for this audience
 34
she thinks.
 35
 
 
You did it again.
 36

22 Jan 07

Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0): 9, 9

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Comments:

Outstanding.  Excellent job with setting and mood, especially lines 6-10, beginning with the poetic voice stating "California kissed you hard, honey --"  The poem has a deft touch, telling the reader very little but showing just enough to create a compelling and tragic portrait; even the italicized narrative voice does not intrude so much as develop the character's relationship with the poetic voice.

When looking for revisions, I'd only suggest two words and two lines.  
First, the words: "tired" heels in line 8 seems just a little much when combined with 'hard-kissed' and "bleach-wasted," and is the weakest of the three.  I don't think you need "tired."
Second, "philanthropic" in line 15 is just puzzling.  It took me out of the poem for a moment, and the idea of philanthropy suggested to me the presence of a third party in the poem, a presence that didn't materialize.  I do like the way the word fits sonically -- four chunky syllables between "young" and "blonde" -- but I'd suggest looking for a substitute.
For the lines, "Winter brought you to your hips/in icy regret" (12/13) seems a bit poetic.  I'm not sure you need that -- passage of time? note of pointless despondancy? -- in the poem, but if you want to include it, I'd suggest making the image just a bit more accessible: think hotel rooms, early-morning taxis, boxer shorts and business cards from Omaha.

From blank judges to breakdown sequence, an excellent poem.  Thanks for posting.
 — mikkirat

nice.
 — listen

oh, hey! I commented on this back at NDT's (I = prav)
 — Virgil

good poem
with
awesome title...
 — chuckles

oh yeah
whaddaya think of small
h
for title?
 — chuckles

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