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Daffodil sunspots flood
down your spine
of poppy fields-
greets windows
and blank judges.
California kissed you hard, honey-
licked the salty sand
off the back of your tired heels,
your locks into yellow straw.
You're a disgrace
Winter brought you to your hips
in icy regret.
Young philanthropic blonde spinning a lollipop
lusting on her white pills at the back table,
popping hourly
for her Orangina dream to materialize
and spread her knees.
You make me so damned sick
Drive escapes, clutch undepressed,
third gear never acquired.
Stillness sets.
She tilts the glass.
Engine stall.
Freefall into a handful
of white pellets,
a gulp and
four shots of bourbon later.
Full of promise, you were
A running
or breakdown sequence
would be a nice touch for this audience
she thinks.
You did it again.

22 Jan 07

Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0): 9, 9

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Outstanding.  Excellent job with setting and mood, especially lines 6-10, beginning with the poetic voice stating "California kissed you hard, honey --"  The poem has a deft touch, telling the reader very little but showing just enough to create a compelling and tragic portrait; even the italicized narrative voice does not intrude so much as develop the character's relationship with the poetic voice.

When looking for revisions, I'd only suggest two words and two lines.  
First, the words: "tired" heels in line 8 seems just a little much when combined with 'hard-kissed' and "bleach-wasted," and is the weakest of the three.  I don't think you need "tired."
Second, "philanthropic" in line 15 is just puzzling.  It took me out of the poem for a moment, and the idea of philanthropy suggested to me the presence of a third party in the poem, a presence that didn't materialize.  I do like the way the word fits sonically -- four chunky syllables between "young" and "blonde" -- but I'd suggest looking for a substitute.
For the lines, "Winter brought you to your hips/in icy regret" (12/13) seems a bit poetic.  I'm not sure you need that -- passage of time? note of pointless despondancy? -- in the poem, but if you want to include it, I'd suggest making the image just a bit more accessible: think hotel rooms, early-morning taxis, boxer shorts and business cards from Omaha.

From blank judges to breakdown sequence, an excellent poem.  Thanks for posting.
 — mikkirat

 — listen

oh, hey! I commented on this back at NDT's (I = prav)
 — Virgil

good poem
awesome title...
 — chuckles

oh yeah
whaddaya think of small
for title?
 — chuckles