| HeatQuake |
madderhatter
|
|
Daffodil sunspots flood
|
1 |
|
down your spine
|
2 |
|
of poppy fields-
|
3 |
|
greets windows
|
4 |
|
and blank judges.
|
5 |
|
California kissed you hard, honey-
|
6 |
|
licked the salty sand
|
7 |
|
off the back of your tired heels,
|
8 |
|
bleach-wasted
|
9 |
|
your locks into yellow straw.
|
10 |
|
|
|
|
You're a disgrace
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
Winter brought you to your hips
|
12 |
|
in icy regret.
|
13 |
|
Read:
|
14 |
|
Young philanthropic blonde spinning a lollipop
|
15 |
|
lusting on her white pills at the back table,
|
16 |
|
popping hourly
|
17 |
|
for her Orangina dream to materialize
|
18 |
|
and spread her knees.
|
19 |
|
|
|
|
You make me so damned sick
|
20 |
|
|
|
|
Drive escapes, clutch undepressed,
|
21 |
|
third gear never acquired.
|
22 |
|
Stillness sets.
|
23 |
|
She tilts the glass.
|
24 |
|
Engine stall.
|
25 |
|
Rollback.
|
26 |
|
Freefall into a handful
|
27 |
|
of white pellets,
|
28 |
|
a gulp and
|
29 |
|
four shots of bourbon later.
|
30 |
|
|
|
|
Full of promise, you were
|
31 |
|
|
|
|
A running
|
32 |
|
or breakdown sequence
|
33 |
|
would be a nice touch for this audience
|
34 |
|
she thinks.
|
35 |
|
|
|
|
You did it again.
|
36 |
|
22 Jan 07 |
Rated 9 (9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0): 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(91 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Outstanding. Excellent job with setting and mood, especially lines 6-10, beginning with the poetic voice stating "California kissed you hard, honey --" The poem has a deft touch, telling the reader very little but showing just enough to create a compelling and tragic portrait; even the italicized narrative voice does not intrude so much as develop the character's relationship with the poetic voice.
When looking for revisions, I'd only suggest two words and two lines.
First, the words: "tired" heels in line 8 seems just a little much when combined with 'hard-kissed' and "bleach-wasted," and is the weakest of the three. I don't think you need "tired."
Second, "philanthropic" in line 15 is just puzzling. It took me out of the poem for a moment, and the idea of philanthropy suggested to me the presence of a third party in the poem, a presence that didn't materialize. I do like the way the word fits sonically -- four chunky syllables between "young" and "blonde" -- but I'd suggest looking for a substitute.
For the lines, "Winter brought you to your hips/in icy regret" (12/13) seems a bit poetic. I'm not sure you need that -- passage of time? note of pointless despondancy? -- in the poem, but if you want to include it, I'd suggest making the image just a bit more accessible: think hotel rooms, early-morning taxis, boxer shorts and business cards from Omaha.
From blank judges to breakdown sequence, an excellent poem. Thanks for posting.
— mikkirat
nice.
— listen
oh, hey! I commented on this back at NDT's (I = prav)
— Virgil
good poem
with
awesome title...
— chuckles
oh yeah
whaddaya think of small
h
for title?
— chuckles
|
|
Recently Commented (expand)
|