poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Just read the frickin' poem...
mister9a

"Nostalgia for Defunct Love"

I changed the ending, but I don't know how well this works. I think it loses sight of the original poem.


Standing by the bench on 7th and 4th.
 1
I remember her, and she was fine,
 2
he said (lost in dreams), and
 3
he continued, She was my
 4
life…and she would sit
 5
there,hepoints,right there, and
 6
I would meet her every day.
 7
he picked up a leaf,lookingatitintheeyes,
 8
we’d talk about all of the
 9
things neither of Us got – love,
 10
the lack of, life, politics,
 11
 
 
…and such…(again, lost in thought, he snaps back) –
 12
 
 
but I remember, shakinghishead, how
 13
she would take a leaf, just like this one,
 14
and put it in her hair, and she’d look fine.
 15
we’d laugh! and giggle! under the trees
 16
that used to be there(pointing to the
 17
Playground),
 18
and we’d scratch like cats at the walls
 19
of our own perceptions.
 20
he drops the leaf, while it’s
 21
 
 
f
 22
a
 23
   l
 24
    l
 25
     in:
 26
        g
 27
 
 
:to the dirt(slowlypain-fulled) and
 28
the dust,he sighs, but
 29
winter came. my le[lifeloveeveything]af
 30
 
 
died.
 31
 
 
He shivers as a fridged chill creeps
 32
up his stone-age spine. Reaching for
 33
his Hazelwood cane, he stands straight,
 34
momentarily re-capturing that
 35
sonic youth he wasted away in
 36
bars, bath-tubs, prisons and wars
 37
I don't know how I survived, he mutters,
 38
Could I have done it without...and his
 39
breath expires, a panting cough forced
 40
out of his throat. His lungs rankle.
 41
 
 
Maybe I'll see her again soon,
 42
patting his chest, holding his heart
 43
and he stumbles off to saturday
 44
night mass.
 45

21 Jan 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)



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Comments:

Don't ever write falling that way again. It's almost painful to read, and the rest of this is  too good for that. I know you probably titled it the way you did so that people would read it at PC, but I hope your real title is something else. The last two stanzas fizzle; they feel tacked on, and they need cohesion.
 — sadie

the "falling" is good, let them learn to read the poet. it's not like they write dynamically themselves anyway :) i don't know why these creeps want us to write for them, when they leave such crude comments like the one above. if they wrote poetry at all, they'd know that we have to make our work look like it's supposed to look for itself.

i liked this alot, even though the last line bugged me. it's too fresh wrapped lettuce from the super, and too obvious a statement to match the subtlety of the rest of the poem. but, this is the freshest writing i've seen here in awhile, and a good read.
 — mikebauer

Holding out the identity of the man seems like a cheap device. If the title is Grandpa Sighs, and you drop L1, what is lost?

I worked through the visual noise, and found little to justify the burden pressed upon the reader.

Good description, story. I like your decisions as far as where you use simile and metaphor.
 — rocket

rocket, you have to put more work in these dang thingsss. they don't read themselves, and they aren't chicken wings. the poet writes the poem, the reader learns to read the poet's language.
 — mikebauer

The "falling" is NOT good. Every poet who ever wanted to format their poetry in any shape or form has at one point written "falling" that way. Thanks for calling me a creep though. I thought the intention of people posting their poetry here was for criticism, not for the reader to shut up and learn the poet's language. If they had thought it was finished, they shouldn't have posted it here. Regardless, to the poet: the poem IS good, I was only pointing out the bat bits BECAUSE the poem is good. Mikebauer be buggered. I am harsher with work I think deserves it (which is why I gave this poem an 8).
 — sadie

everyone does write falling falling, and it is a bit tedious after the umpteenth poem you read.

the poem is fine but the layout doesn't always do the poem justice, the techniques used are ok, but no space is given to let them breathe and create an atmosphere for the reader within the text.

this could be something as simple as introducing space, dropping punctuation to a minimum apart from where absolutely neccessary, capping consistently, or only capping where visual stimulus is needed (as in playground below)

that used to be there (pointingtothePlayground)

i would certainly not expect to fill in these gaps myself while reading, the poet should. there is no dispensation to be had, for me scoring or commenting on the potential of a piece, rather than the current reality, which it seems some here often do.

once this poem gives the reader room they may then be able to comment on the poet's purpose, why has he shoved words together, why has he broken lines so that speech comes out quick and stuttered, does it work, why does it work, etc. personally, and in the main, i think the line break and connected words work well, especially at the start, though it becomes half more confused, and half too watered down the further the poem progresses.

finally the reader can involve themselves in the text, why use none of Us, rather than neither of Us; why does the leaf have eyes, does lookingatitintheeyes add anything? are you shakinghishead, or is he shakinghishead, why not use parentheses as you did elsewhere; can the poet better differentiate between the narrator and first person, third person, yet still keep each character distinct, they get mangled in places right now; why you need the last stanza at all...

(finally, i find it the height of rudeness to call another person a creep because you disagree with their comments. mister9a is more than able to decide which comments benefit him or not. in short, by deciding which comments are worthy or not mike, you are inferring mister9a is a creep who can't decide what is good for his poem or not. you also discourage commentary which i'm sure mister9a won't thank you for. be a teacher not a creature)
 — unknown

nice poem. nice indentations. and concentrations.
just wonder if you would consider changing the title?
 — varun

like the poem- really not sure if i like the last stanza at all- may have been going for the twist at the end but it just snapped me out of the beautiful image that you'd created
 — ebronson

thank you all! I listen to all of you, after all, you took the time to read my poem. It's fair.

I will admit writing falling like that is very cliched.
 — mister9a

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