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worn out (edit)
sparrow

I fear that you've forgotten me.
 1
The memories we shared are now
 2
no longer present when I'm
 3
near you. Sometimes,
 4
I fear that I've forgotten you. I've slowly
 5
been unravelling the net
 6
that used to connect me to your eyes. Maybe
 7
they've just grown too familiar and
 8
no shade of light can paint them in
 9
a tone I haven't seen. Maybe
 10
we've told each other everything
 11
there is to say,
 12
shouted for hours, taunted, teased each other
 13
then finally breathed the truth. Maybe
 14
after all this time,
 15
we've grown out of each other,
 16
as you grow out of old sneakers, though
 17
you thought you never would and maybe
 18
what we had was never meant to last
 19
forever and ever after all I feel
 20
our love has just worn out.
 21

21 Jan 07

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Comments:

wow that's deep.  can love be really worn out? or moved on? how do you forget? or are your thought somewhere esle. Maybe i'm reading to much into it.
 — cindy28

Thanks for your comment cindy!
I guess I mean that the memories kind of fade away and your feelengs aren't as vivid any more... like an old sweater where the color has lost its brightness:-)
 — sparrow

that's a good way of putting it but if it was true love does it fade or still burn at a distance? i love the example of the sweater. the comment you put i don't know if he loved me in his own way but this is how i felt. i was told i was the prefect girlfriend yet was not loved as one exchanged for another girlfriend as if i wasn't the prefect girlfriend. i don't know if that makes sense.
 — cindy28

terribly obvious. while the topic is a sensitive one i can find this one in anyone's random conversations with themselves.
 — unknown

Well, even if the topic is obvious and even "worn out", having been thought of so many times, it's just the way that I feel so why not write about it?
do you have any more precise comments on what you would change?
 — sparrow

i never felt i was the prefect girlfriend. it hurts that he moved on faster that i did. something i think he thought i was the prefect person and he was un-prefect. Like you said no one is prefect. I never believe this to be true. I just wondered why those words would be put together. I do agree they are empty words yet bring a big question to me on the true person he is to be. As it all a lie or a mask. Anyways thank you for your wise words!!!
 — cindy28

try making it original. if originality matters to you. this is any excerpt from a romance novel. you could try encapsulating it in a few lines to make the point more subtle and harder hitting.  try fresh metaphors only if freshness matters to you.
 — unknown

thanks for your comment, unknown. I think I understand what you mean now and tried to make it feel a bit more personal...looking forward to your feedback!
 — sparrow

This reminds me a Peal Jam song -  Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town. Particularly the chorus - "Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away". You should check out the lyrics if you don't already know it.

Unknown has the bluntness of someone who reads a lot of poems, but I basically agree.

You're writing a lot of statements. L1, L5, L17. It's more interesting to show the reader the meaning without flatly saying it.

So how might you do that? Perhaps describe the real life moments that embody these thoughts. Everyone else may have felt these same things, but they haven't lived your life.

I was reading a paragraph about photographing flowers the other day. The author said amateurs often shoot down on flowers. The trick professionals use is to get down level with the flower, or find a more interesting view. I think love poems are the same. You've got to find a perspective we don't see everyday.

I personally find details about the person interesting. There isn't any detail in this poem that tells me anything about the "you" that would differentiate them from any other person.
 — rocket

rocket, your comment was great, thanks so much!!!
It really made me understand what I can do to make this poem real and personal
I especially liked the example with the photographer's perspective...I think I'll just have to find a perspective of my own. I'll work on it!
 — sparrow

thankyou for commenting on my poem we'll survive.
this poem of yours is in dire need of a couple of periods, i think.
L4- Sometimes- this is the beginning of the third, and (according to your punctuation) final sentence.
do you understand what i'm saying? the thoughts are lost by L17 because they are beginning to bleed into one another.
makes for difficult reading.
good luck with your revision.
 — unknown

hi sparrow.
nice words.
i do think you need to do some serious re-breaking of ze lines...
 — varun

Thanks so much for your comments everybody!
I think agree that this needs quite a bit of work, I'll have to give it some thought:-)
 — sparrow

and get back to you on it
 — sparrow

Ok I've changed the punctuation a bit, though I'm still not sure about a couple of things:
do you think I should add commas after the "maybe"s?

I'm also not sure how I can change the imagery in this specific poem...do you have any advice?

I'm looking forward to your advice fellow writers:-)
 — sparrow

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