|here we go
all the people make the sparks
with ink and water railing
wailing soft as we can blare
we're spinning fast and flailing
people decompose with love
everything we make is heat
believing that we might be warm
we burn our skin
and smell the meat
all our paintings, all these poems
photos, songs, and artful groans
tapes and logs, and stapled tomes
smoke that's cooking our own homes
it's all we weep, our glowing wake
we heave it when we sigh
all we are is all we make
saline across the sky
warm and red on cold and black
we leave our steaming trails
you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails
when you die, no one is going to look at your hard disk.
staple your poems to phone poles, wherever you go.
11 Nov 03
Rated 8.9 (7.9) by 44 users.
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That is quite possibly the most beautiful thing that I've ever read.
Lines 14-17 remind me of a song but I can't think of which one right now. I liked the flow of this one although I'm not sure what it means. L18-19 are excellent but when I got to the final two lines I felt a bit let down with the repetition of 'we are comets'. dkm
Yeah - the last two lines kind of lost the rhythm too. Other than that...great!
I'm there, too. It kept me right to the end. rob
thanks ananke. the moment i finished, i was certain it was great. but i hedged my confidence. things so often look different in the morning.
i refused to change the ending, then i did. i know the other broke the rhythm, but i thought that derailing, at the end, sort of hightened the readers attention, especially since it comes so close to being trite- i just thought it encouraged the reader to take it even more seriously. it's a pretty serious poem. so ending it in rhythm sounded, well, i didnt want it to end like a cha-cha-cha.
but someone told me, "lose the rhythm, lose the reader" and it was 4:1. so i gave up. the first ending (which i still prefer) is:
we are comets we are
comets with streaming tails
can the unknown who gave me the 4, tell me why?
i would gladly exchange my intended interpretation in exchange for feedback.
I don't know who gave it a 4, but I wouldn't worry about it. It happens. I agree with Ananke--I like it a lot and gave it a 7.
changed the title to avoid repeating at the end. thanks dkm. a few other little fixes.
I like it, I like it A LOT... good job
o this gets right to it. spartan & loving.
amazing. one of your best
i want to print this out and staple it to the nearest telephone pole. after thinking about it all night and today, i believe you could come up with a more fitting title. the word 'saline' threw me a little, since it holds the connotation of contact lens solution (for me), but it would only really deter readers who don't know the real meaning. overall; love it, love it, love it. i hope you get more comments here.
l14 do you need the apostrophe? i'm honestly not even sure
the body is 65% water. salt water.
thank you all. it's one of my favorites that i like as much 8mo later.
i could change the title. it hasnt lasted for me like the body.
I dont like the current title, the poem - i dig.
I don't mind the title, it fits with the poem, but it could definitely be mroe powerful. This is quite simply beautiful. Just lovely. The language, the rhyme, the rhythm, the everything..*sighs* Something to be proud of. Pat yourself on the back.
i liked your foot note...that was very empowering. the poem was gorgeous and i really loved the last stanza. the pattern was awesome.
Comments in exchange for intended interpretation? Sounds like a heck of a deal to me........I love L5 and the last stanza. That footnote made me fall in love with this poem. I tried to find something to tell advise you to improve, but my hands came up empty. It's near perfect. You've done it again Gnormal.
hurrah good, poetry at last woopeee! I am sick of poems that don't flow This one does. 10
this was amazing. maybe i should think about printing out all my poems that i have saved in my computer. 10.
I especially enjoy the kind of modernist idiom, if I might create a concept. What I mean is the flow of the words and language in generally breaks from the conversational tone that most use in writing their poetry. You have good instincts about the music of language. Good stuff.
This was great to read right now...I needed it. You write beautifully.
It was good up until line 13 for me, then it lost some depth and excitement. Maybe you should drop the last two lines....Or just change them. Maybe it's just me missing the bloody idea. It is, most likely.
Like the end notes. Good point.
line 10 - 13 is some of the most powerful stuff I've ever read. The only thing I really didn't like was the heat/meat rhyme. The word "meat" just sort of kills the feeling in the poem. Other than that this was pretty incredible.
No offense, but you must not read very much.
i'm in love.
i didn't like it at first, but i gave it another read and it really hit me. bravo.
I loved the second stanza, and enjoyed the postscript. The rest of the poem, however (Specifically the comet stuff) struck me as a bit mawkish and/or earnest.
effusively or insincerely emotional; "a bathetic novel"; "maudlin expressons of sympathy"; "mushy effusiveness"; "a schmaltzy song"; "sentimental soap operas"; "slushy poetry"
what would i say without you?
i dont know, i can see it from there.
i guess im trying to learn two things at once.
after i read this i am sad because i live in arizona where the phone poles are under ground.
beautiful & honestly; as well as honestly beautiful. i covet.
This is one of the best poems I've EVER read. It's so beautiful!
I envy you and your incredible talent to captivate beauty in words.
You know what really makes the poem endearing? The footnote. The only thing that trips me up is l13, I don't like the wording of 'our own'. Makes me twist my tongue when I pronnounce 'home'. I think I might just print this off and staple it to a phone pole (or masking tape it). I like posthardcore's comment.
I once stapeled my sack to a phone poll, hurt like hell.
For some reason, I just can't like this.
I think there's too much here, without saying enough. Lines 16, 20, and 21 sound like they are from songs to me that are a bit too ecstatic and elegiac without saying anything. This just feels a bit cloying, I guess. I like the footnote better than the poem.
this is inspiring. the footnote is good advice.
i know what you mean semaj. if it sounds like a song it's suspect. how can you trust it?
it's definately a thing i fear, but all i can say is, im serious,
and then ask myself again if i really am, see if it's holding up.
so far, so good- i can receive your "sounds like from songs" as a good thing.
I used to keep my poems stapled to the outside of my bedroom door. They caused quite a stir.
please look again at 13. otherwise, unguent.
a painfully truthful message.
i would prefer the first line and first stanza if the first line was:
"all the people making sparks"
good second stanza
3rd stanza line 13 is not to my taste at all. it reads badly.
4th stanza is the weakest in the poem in my opinion. the poem wouldn't suffer from it not existing.
line 20 i would break before the last we, which i would then stick on teh beginning of line 21
all in all i like the what you have to say.
Bravo! this is excellent, and i love the footnote! The rhyme is just perfect, great work!
From Caducus to gnormal.
This is representative of my feelings and interpretations on love and remembrance - great job. 9
and yes the rhyme is indeed sophisticated.
Beautifully done...Maybe I'll post something up on a pole
Yeah...that's what I'll do
smoke that's cooking our own homes...are you saying that if we don't get these things out, they'll be lost to everyone?
I love this too much. I've just never commented.
I'm exhausted, so I can't exactly "intellectualize" this poem, but just the sound of it is enough. This is beautiful.
I think I would like it if you can tell me what this is about
Are you fucking stupid, Sam? Read the poem sometime, it's excellent. 10.
because most people strive to be good at what they do....I'm forced to commend you on your efforts. I got a little bit of a dreary feeling when I read it. but to each his/her own. good poem though. just don't get mad if people don't feel what your writing....just try harder next time.
Is stapling poems to a telephone pole litter?
you finally made it. your a poet now.
Just came up as a random poem.
I'm glad it did! I like it more every time I read it. Great stuff, gnormal.
I agree, Rob! And I am glad this poem came up randomly this morning, too, because I rated it (8) a while back but never commented (meant to, but forgot to!) - so I would like to do that now that I've been reminded!!
* This is one of those poems in which rhyming is just damned necessary -
and WELL DONE, at that! I'm glad you chose the end-rhyme format.
* My favorite stanza is the 2nd one, lines 5-8
people decompose with love / everything we make is heat
believing that we might be warm / we burn our skin / and smell the meat
This image of rotting meat is grotesque, yet so fucking right-on when it comes
to the theme of this whole piece.
* I also concur that the footnote is the kicker here - staple your poems to
phone poles...hell yeah!!! It's like a revolution! :)
On the critical side...
* I'm obviously not alone in that line 13 is somehow amiss. Nobody has really
pinpointed the problem, and I'm having trouble doing that, too. But here are
my thoughts on that line and its dilemma:
- the idea of cooking is definitely ringing throughout, but HOME, to me,
doesn't. I read this poem and stop at line 13 every time, asking myself
what the home is representing. I mean obviously it can be many things -
home as metaphor for where we keep our poems, home as metaphor as in
we are all in "this" together and therefore cohabitants of this "poetry
home" we built, yet building or the image of construction in general is not
consistent with the rest of the work (or at least it doesn't HIT me as so,
when I read it); therefore, it just sticks out when it ought to continue and
flow. This is all I can really make of the l13 situation...but I hope it makes
sense, or at least gives you something to chew on.
* lines 18-21 - I do so very much love the streaming trails/comets image. I do
not, however, feel that the repetition of 'streaming tails' is necessary. In fact,
the streaming trails is such a vivid image on its own merit that repeating it
reduces the elliptical effect (which is just perfectly drawn out otherwise!)
DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!
I am a moron!! I CONFESS!!!!!!!!
I now see - thankfully - that you have oh-so-craftily used "stEaming tRails" in line 19 and then "stReaming tAils" in line 21 for a whole 'nother reason than what I was seeing the first 2344572103857 times I read this poem.
I am ashamed that I wasn't sharp enough to notice this during the first few reads.
Please totally ignore my notes on these lines in the comment above.
Damn you for tricking me! ;)
I love this poem even more now!
In reply to the following comment:
l14 do you need the apostrophe? i'm honestly not even sure
Line 14 reads: it's all we weep
and the answer is YES, the apostrophe is required.
IT'S = IT IS (contraction for)
ITS = Belonging to "IT" (possessive form of "IT")
This truly is such a common mistake, though.
I know you (unknown poster) were only trying to help.
Just thought I'd clarify! :)
-- your resident English teacher, Laura ;)
poetry in motion...click click click...
&n bsp; thi is a nice(stupid) poem
Someday gnormal will be in the English books.
I can see it now.
quite nice. quite nice. no elaboration needed. just plain good.
Interesting....Lines 16-19 make the poem I think....but 5, 8, 9 make you think
Stanza 2 is fantastic, particularly the imagery in the last lines.
On stanza 3-- thematically, i see where you are going, albeit grammatically i do not. do u mean "tomes-- smoke that's ...." Also, are these things actually smoke cooking our homes, or are they the kindling cooking our homes from which the smoke emanates?
I like line 20, structurally. I am not certain on line 21. I would prefer a greater sense of parallelism with line 19, to better draw the contrast.
overall, quite good.
perhaps like 27 should be "sailing"? I don't know, though. I kinda like a salty sky.
see that it's both? you get both out of it. that's part of the geniuss.
i love how u use the words, it seems that they just flow, and u can feel every word, i love this poem!
first unkown, I believe they might remind you of a Something Corporate song called Down... that's what it reminds me of.. because of "saline." Anyway... i adore this poem.
i didt get this one but iam not gong to say it sucks but its in bettween
you rule buddy
After searching for days for a website where I can get good criticism and read other poems worth reading, I stumbled upon this site and this was the first poem I read. Thank you. I am now at home.
Nice, one of those things that makes you feel your heartbeat, and that makes you feel that you know you are reading something good.
very difinitive and lucid. plus 2 points!
Wow. The ryhme and meter here is stuff of legends.
Are you serious?
I woke up this morning and brushed my teeth, and found myself running lines from this through my head. I know it's crazy, but it happened. I really love this.
I'm torn over the poem itself - I like it but I don't love it. I'm going to go read it a few more times. But I adore the footnote. Adore it.
Wait—why is this poem so great? The images are discordant: what relation is there between “all the people” and “we’re spinning fast and flailing”? What does decomposition have to do with “burn[ing]… skin / and smell[ing] the meat”? The third stanza has no logic to it: Does the author think there is a relationship between the physical items (even including the silly modifier of “artful” to “groan”) and burning, as a concept? And what of line 13? “smoke that’s cooking our own homes”? What does that mean? The fourth stanza exists only to redirect the poem to the author’s meaning and the fifth is incomprehensible. The best part of the poem is the line break across lines 20-1, but that is ruined by the construction of the stanza. Another jarring aspect to the poem are words like “tomes” and “saline” that are used incorrectly. Concept and execution are separate actions that, in a well crafted poem, come together harmoniously. This poem’s concept, LOVE (which is how I feel the author wants the idea/feeling to come across), is executed with such a sledgehammer that the result can only be flattening and graphically common.
This is beautiful. The rythme scheme is well kept throughout the peom. Good work here.
GAHHH. i love this poem.
Very good poem, I agree the title my be improved , good work
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! i felt your emotion on this 1. STRONG!!!!!!!!
I think you could have made this stronger and more poignant if you wrote it free style and not worried about rhyme.
I don't think the last two lines are needed since they don't convey anything special. They don't have any 'oomph' to them.
Again this is just my humble opinion but you broke your rhyme scheme in the second stanza, rhyming the first and fifth line (offset) and then rhymed all four lines in st3.
While I like your signature, I can't let that influence me in my critique of the poem. It's not part of the poem and shouldn't be rated as part.
You do take negative critique well from what I've read of the comments, so I hope this doesn't upset you.
Why don't you people study philosophy and get over poetry. You really have nothing to write about besides the mundane. Seriously, reading your poetry is like psychoanalysing monkeys. It is rational suicide. You people can't even distinguish between what you feel and what you know.
Postscript: I didn't read your poem. This message is general. It goes out to all the ingoramus here.
despiser, apt moniker.
You could use put those lyrics to a song in an emo band, but that would take away some of the meaning. Only Bright Eyes has as powerfull lyrics as this. Good job, great poem!
I adore this!
my friend patrick writes better, but it was reasonably alright
ask patrick to call me as soon as possible.
my number is 928-396-2700.
"you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails "
This is amazing...well done
I have to say,
I totally disagree Morchuis.
I just love this.
What a wonderful poem! I'm so happy that it is the first I read on this site.
There is much truth in this poem and the footnote is an outstanding "moral."
perfect little piece, smooth and thought well. nice job, after all the effect made the poem.
Very good message behind it all. The title is kind of boring, but the actual poem itself makes up for that. Lines 10-13 really interest me, as do lines 18-21. Good work!
absolitly GOURGIOUS!! stiking in every way possible.
Damn... at the top again? I was alittle hesitant to comment on this one before but have read it many times over. Beautifully written I must say. But who am I? There are a hundred other people who can compliment you with bigger words. But thank you, just what I needed to end the day. Good stuff.
love your poem. its sweet. esp last line. keep it up. (:
I stapled a poem to a phone pole today, but some guys saw me do it, and beat me up and called me a queer, then tied me to the phone pole and took off all my clothes.
i love this, especially "people decompose with love" brillant
further insight into what makes this great:
seven syllables is one shy of quadrameter, the rhythm achieved through this is stunning, as you can go 3-2-2, 2-3-2, 2-2-3 and change it up a bit, just like the time signature in musical pieces.
This doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I don't think all poetry needs to make sense. This is word art, really, the images, sounds and rythm make this worthwhile.
But the last stanza is weak to the point wher you could completely cut it and it might not be missed. The rythm is broken. Steaming trails/streaming trails is clever, but not really worth the speed bump. There are a couple other slightly awkward points that other posters have pointed out.
I love the 4th styanza in this poem. The line 'all we are is all we make', however reminiscent of the Beatles it may be, is still extremely well written.
i wish i could give this more tens.
well done i love your work
it every good and locing a person like you
the last 2lines make me cream my pants everytime i read this.
strong and powerful.
i really like it.
this poem just hits harder every time i read it.
the footnote completes it.
I love this.
wonderful. first read through, the end note made the poem for me. second read, the rhythm. third read, the imagery....well you get the point. bravo. only thing i noticed is L21 feels to have one too many syllables...on the other hand, don't change a thing, 'cause i love it!
And put- please recycle at the end, so the good trees will forgive your verbious outrising when you hardly share your reverence or care with them who make your artistry possible...unless you do notice such trees. You know there are people in there, in a way...spirit people.
This poem is so cannibalistic it's strange. I really liked it, and then it became ugly and a little pretty with the comet yet reminded me of one's feces steaming in the couple lines before. I'm a little disgusted. Seems like the worm turned for ya when you were creating. Don't let that happen- went a little far I think.
The previous comment gets a perfect 100/100 on the unintentional comedy scale.
You know its time to move away from northern cali when you start thinking trees are people.
Where are we going?
here's my cherished golden calf - this is perfect
Now your cooking with grease (as my mother would say)! Kickass man.
I felt this poem did an exellent job in using descriptive language and imagery to portray a certain mood that was invisioned by the poet. The timing was exstodinary; I loved how the poet used specific syllables and word combinations to improve the audio affect of the poem. I wish there had been more metephores to tie all the loose knots of the several inaffective images and similes left lingering in some of the setences. More over, I enjoyed this poem a great deal!
~ Sean Jenkins
The previous comment ALSO gets a perfect 100/100 on the unintentional comedy scale.
God damn, the comments are as entertaining as the poem. GOOD EYE NOODLEMAN!
hey, no teasing, its not nice :(
I think my comment would win in a fight between the two though.
perhaps, but no fair on insulting someones intelligence...for shame.
i guess this is what happens when you combine poetry critique with a six pack and a silly friend.
i'll be more careful in the future, duffyj.
if it makes you feel better you can poke me in the I.
haha you really ARE being silly :)
i would like to thank you:
it's refreshing to see a line
of rhyme unforced
your picture and point.
so thank you, sir.
Tragic and wonderful as only humans can be.
I really liked this. You lost me at the end, though. Rhyming poems are just better.
Love the idea of stapling poems to phone poles. Maybe I'll try it. "Lose the rhythm, lose the reader" is a great quote. It's also quite true.
I don't know about trying to rhyme "poems." The word, that is. It strikes me as a stretch, no matter how it's done. And "saline across the sky" doesn't quite work. "Sailing," maybe?
I'm in love with this poem's meter, even though it's simple.
Beautiful subject matter. This is gorgeous.
i dont know the name of the poetic device, but it seems obvious to me that sailing is built right into saline, obviated by "across the sky". there's also railing/ailing, blare/bear, flailing/failing. and (maybe im reading too much!) "smell them eat" as in, when people like your stuff.
these lines just roll around in my head!
great images, nice poem, i have to read more from you
sean jenkins needs to invest in a dictionary.
This is awesome. I am kind of bothered by the broken rhythm of L8&9, but that’s nothing. I really like Lines 14-17 and the last two, L20&21. This is just an excellent poem.
Gay poems like these somehow get high ratings... weird
You are the first poet Iv seen on here who has mastered rhyme.
So many, terrrible attempts but this makes up for it.
A very fine poem. Line 8 and 9 are difficult for me, as is 13, but what a pleasure to read a poem nowadays that has such rhythm, rhyme and reason.
i love it when rhyme is so unforced, so flowing that it seems a part of natural language ... nothing natural here, though it seems that way. i read this for the sound and imagery again and again.
wish i could do this.
I opened this to copy down into my poetry books--this is again, amazing. I think about lines from this poem at least once a month, bare minimum. I've done so since I first read it. This is amazing, gnormal. Well done.
I find the rest of your poems completely stupid, though this one is, I believe, your best. The whole thing sounds nice and it rhymes well. It still makes little sense. It's a beautiful poem of absolutely no meaning to me lol. I enjoyed it, though
Great poem about being a poet or any kind or artist. Living our lives and leaving something behind to show for it. I especially love the end and the footnote. This is a wonderful job!
I really like this poem, it's rhyme is really good. It's always a bouns to find a poem that rhymes. Good effort. I like your work.
What a very sensible suggestion.Nice poem lovely imagery
it's good to accept death?
This is good. Keep writing, keep perfecting your talent. You have an interesting mind set.
where the 1 million rating? argh!
I just wanted to say this poem is really awesome and you're right. I'm gonna start stapling my poems to telephone poles wherever I go starting tomorrow. Thankyou for this beautiful poem and for the "life" inspirtation. Good luck in all that you do!
i am still in love with this
a very beautiful poem
God Bless YOU! Staple your poems to phone poles! You ROCK and so does this poem btw. Thankyou for the inspiration. It's gonna be -20 tomorrow with the windchill here in Portland, ME, but as soon as it gets warmer, I'm gonna do just that! Take care and keep on with that awesome outlook! Love, Starr
I LOVE the second verse btw! It's so deep and so truthful.
i think one of the most impressive things about this long-standing masterpiece
(especially the footnote), is that over the more than three years it's been posted,
the author has commented on it only 6 times.
this author is impressive to me in so many ways.
thank you so much, sir, for continuing to post, and allowing us into
your unique, wonderful world.
i will comment again in a moment, as soon as i find what i'm looking for.
i think this poem is wonderfully illustrated and achieves a brilliant balance of foreground, middleground and background. the composition is unique and its sense of scale is monumental. the play of light and shadow delights and the application of the medium is politely aggressive. the choice of subject matter is universal, yet personal, and the overall effect is aesthetically sophisticated.
This was the first 9 I ever gave, all those years ago. And I still would. Wow, look at all the poets no longer here! They were the ones who welcomed me and kept me coming back, week after week.
so it's their fault.
What a beautiful poem! Why is there no punctuation, my I ask? Is there some profound image behind it, or is it simply your style? I love the little comment on the end, too!
i hate all you critics
this is beautiful.
you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails
you and I are comets, we
are comets streaming tails
why that? Grammar, plus there was a missing comma (consistancy, why not?)
"with" breaks the rythym (well, you may break rythym if you prefer), but,
if we remove "with", the closing line gains power; it becomes a question as well.
nice poem, g!
The footnote makes it all the better.
I'm glad to see this poem back on the top again.
netski, i agree with you.
and i went straight away to change it.
but then reading it in context had second thoughts
i think, only because im used to it this way.
your solution is right.
i should have left out the 'with' from the beginning.
but since it's the last line, then new echo doesnt jive with old echo in my head....
on another day i would have hit submit.
today i hesitated.
I KNEW one day this would hit the top spot. It's that awesome little footnote that won my heart over. Congrats! Very, very deserving! Love, Starr
why so dramatic gnormal?
i changed it.
how this seemingly (at first glance) small change
is actually a very very impactful change.
you and me are comets we
are comets with streaming tails
you and me are comets we
are comets streaming tails
with becomes a huge-looking word, to me. adding much more than subtracting.
you and me
i also like the sound of comets with. comets with. comets with.
i can hear it.
good advice by maestrofreshnets...
this is a coldplay song who are you kidding