poetry critical : poem

Alone in Autism (version II)

jenakajoffer

with thanks to NetskyIam, C, and Nemesis
for their inspirational words.

when wires don't connect,	1
when earth's sounds are too profound	2
anxiety is mistaken	3
for spoiled rotten-	4

baby's full of poison,	5
mercury migrates from toes to hair	6
while insomulent eyes glaciate-	7
trial and error, a heavy cost	8
when constant fussing remains,	9
when sudden changes	10
snap the safety pin-	11

no hushing	12
horns and sirens	13
or the roars of	14
monstrous appliances-	15
cover ears tight,	16
no singing,	17
no sounds to soothe.	18

no taming electric shocks	19
crackling the toothbrush,	20
paste burns, so spicy-	21
head hurts, barber	22
no more razorblades,	23
prickles stick the neck.	24

when bees and mosquitos stalk,	25
prisoner of summer	26
stays behind safe walls-	27
can't wear short socks	28
what if tomorrow rains?	29

rainman was a movie,	30
this is true life-	31
building lego cities	32
ships to Saturn-	33
every detail missed	34
by our lazy eyes.	35

a boy sits on a spectrum,	36
his own personal genius	37
guiding us	38
through his world	39
of echos and imitations-	40

and we, yet to understand	41
why his little neurons	42
short circuit;	43
how chromosomes lost in the ladder,	44
never compromise	45
his beauty.	46

19 Jan 07

Rated 8.8 (8.2) by 13 users.

Active (13): 1, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 1, 2, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

idontknow

Add A Comment:

Comments:

I like it, but I prefer the first version, it just seemed more personal :)
— movaho

the pace is faster here. i think i like the first version better but this one's still good.
— listen

I'm still going to work on this, here and there.
It will be interesting to see what is preferred.
I obviously prefer the first, but it's me in there.
This isn't me, this time I tried to be a little more detatched from the womb.
Thanks for reading,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

I LIKE IT!
— unknown

Excellent.  It helps you understand the mental polarization experienced by the person with this dissability.
— midas7

i love your voice.
you know this.
this poem sounds robotic.
if it weren't by you, i'd say well done
or some such.
it is good to see you trying something different, as
poems of this variety,i think, tend to stem from intellect
rather than emotion.
— chuckles

mrs. foote didn't like it either.
she likes the voice, the feelings of the original.
i am glad i tried this angle tho, not being the emotional mother.
i loved your comment, thank you.
— jenakajoffer

Ooooh...wow...I like 'em both, actually.  I like this one because of the way it just chugs along the track with such urgency.  I like the former version because it was more creamy and astral.  Either way, they're both "10's" in my book.  You have such a way of painting with words and images (and cheese).  Heehee.
— starr

awww starr,
thanks for visiting with such kindness,
as always.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

i think your opening note is incorrect.
as i recall, you've done quite a bit of revising to "Alone in Autism".
perhaps it should be said that you are trying a different approach to the same subject matter?
— unknown

i ovethe last two stanzas :-)
— ProzacNation

* love even- can't type today!
— ProzacNation

oh, so true, thanks for pointing that out.  I changed the intro.
thank you ProzacNation,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

Still, very powerful poem.  Your use of "less" words create a flow of importance, or as Starr said, "urgency", a perfect description.
I'm leaning toward this one althought both offer wonderful but different messages.
— unknown

dont' pay attentiont to the immaturity in the message board.
your poetry is beautiful, unique,i am a big fan.
m.
— unknown

i am getting back an forth to both the versions... again as beautiful as the original version.
— trochee

to both unknowns,
thank you.  I wasn't aware of that comment.  I just ignore for the most part.
It's ok.

Trochee, thanks for reading.
Your comment holds a deeper meaning to me than most, for obvious reasons.
Thank you,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

brilliant poem.
— unknown

may i know where did the inspiration for AIA (version II) came in?
— trochee

I have an autistic son and I love this.
— tillmorgan

well troch,
I think I was inspired by netsky, C, and nemesis.  Their excellent words on the original poem helped me look at this from a different angle, they let me know what others want to read, so I figured i could try.
I also wanted people to understand Autism better without the personal edge.

I sometimes wonder why you posted that poem without ever commenting on "Alone".
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

I only hoped there were folks out there who would know first-hand what this means.  It means a lot to me to share this with you.
Thank you, till.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

Jen- it is so appropriate to convey our observations and experiences re autism through poetry, especially.
I so relate to "his own personal genius" and how his beauty is not compromised. In a way, my son relates to his world the way a good poem touches reveals itself to its reader.
— tillmorgan

Well i did comment on it as unknown .. and one silly suggestion here.. could u plz..remove the introduction
— trochee

nicely said till.  Have you wrote about your son as well?
Jen-

So, you did comment as an unknown, hehe...I wondered if you might have.
What did you say?  Were you mean, is that why you didn't reveal yourself?
Ah well, water under the troll bridge eh.
Suggestion taken, I removed the intro, thanks trochee.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

nopes i said sumthin like ...i wish i could write like you.
— trochee

trochee's a cherry pie.
you should give props to the 3 people in the intro.
— unknown

When you see stuff like that commented on your poems by an unknown, they don't mean much and people don't remember them.
I will remember these very complimenting words.
Thanks trochee.
— jenakajoffer

i almost made a cherry pie comment but i didn't.
thanks for the nice idea for the intro,
xo
— jenakajoffer

Yes, Jen.  I have- though honestly not as eloquently as you have done here.  (And the intention is not to flatter but to own up to my struggles.)
It's always hardest for me to write about something really really close without sounding too too and if the poetry is bad no matter how important the sentiment  its sort of a disrepect to the subject.  I don't know if that makes sense.
— tillmorgan

till, thank you for the very nice compliment.
i must say tho, you sound way too hard on yourself.
i understand what you're saying but honestly, you shouldn't judge yourself.
use your feelings, who cares about the rules.
you could only disrespect the subject or the feelings by hiding them.
write it, share it.  love it.
it feels good.
poetry can kiss my ass. it's the message, the voice, the love and the compassion that is most important.

thanks so much for your messages.  it's nice to hear from someone who knows.
i am more than interesting if you ever feel like sharing.
all the best,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

ha, i mean 'interested'...
jen-
— unknown

I love what you said- that poetry can kiss your ass!  Too funny.  I wish I had more of that attitude.  It amazes me that someone who doesn't know me can assess my Achilles heel so quickly - meaning I must be fairly transparent.
Thanks for the encouragement and the philosphy to aspire to.
— tillmorgan

no, you had it right
the first time.

more than interesting
— chuckles

the 3rd and last stz are extremley well done, wow nice poem here.
— willz

Recently I was invited to the spend a night dining with special needs people.  Until that point I had little experience in that and did not think so much about special needs, or the innerworkings of the minds of these people.  But through dinner and walking around in a mall with them,  I was inspired by their perspectives and I for a few moments was removed from my own so called functional brain.  It was a great experience, and you have expressed some of the things that I felt (especially the last two lines).
— idontknow

Congrats, Jen, on the #1 spot!  :-)
— starr

tillmorgan,
no, you aren't transparent.  you are mother, not unlike myself, probably with some very similar feelings.
I hope you can share the writing of your son someday.
just remember, never compare.
anything.
Best wishes,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

thx chuckie, you're cute...

thanks willz; 'idontknow', your comment was great, thanks so much for that.

and Starr!  You are wonderful, thank you!
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

I like both versions actually.  I mentioned my nephews being autistic in your other poem and how well you wrote about planets ant things (something the boys fascinate about).  I like how this is straight forward and (shorter), you also perfectly describe many situations.  Great work here.
— unknown

If this rhymed you'd be on to something. 7/10
— Henry

Jen, very kind of you to offer the recognition in your intro, really there is no need.

Although tempting, I will try not do a comparison between the versions, so the following comments are based solely on the piece posted above.

Firstly the duality of the voices; while each is quite different, they both grasp at a starkness but neither quite reach it. This is a shame, as all that’s missing is some reduction and a re-structuring to offer each voice physically seperate read..

Doing a re-write is not appropriate here so I’ll show you what I mean only on the first couple of stanzas.

wires don't connect,
earth's sounds,  too profound
anxiety mistaken
            ;          &nbs p;  spoiled rotten

            ;          &nbs p;  full of poison,
mercury migrates, toes to hair
insomulent eyes glaciate-
trial, error,
heavy cost
            ;          &nbs p;  constant
            ;          &nbs p;  fussing,
sudden changes
snap
the safety pin.

(Remaining stanzas here)

chromosomes lost
in the ladder,
never compromise
            ;          &nbs p;  his beauty.

You see the pattern?
Ok, so now a couple of  other nits, I wouldn’t mention Rainman and  S4, reads a little too like its subject matter.

L39 and 40 hit it, I love these lines. Also by accident I read L25 as “when bees and mosquitoes talk” which really worked for me!

Now to contradict my earlier advice, I would like to have read a very soft, endearing ending – e.g delete L44&45 and replace with ‘are lost in his’

I trust the exercise of writing this poem satisfied the intended goal?

Nice work Jen.
— Nemesis

Apologies for the " ;          &nbs p;" of course the text is meant to be alighned to the right right.
— Nemesis

Hi Nemesis,
thanks for reading, although you confused the shit out of me at first!  =-)
Ok, I see your pattern (somewhat), I like what you're saying about reduction.
I'm not crazy about S4 anyway, but I'd like to possibly rephrase the message as I feel it's importance here.  "Rainman" is hard to remove because it's still such a HUGE part of society's reference to the disorder.  I've always tried to help people AVOID this relation, but you've made me realize that I've done this incorrectly anyway (since I've only described autistic characteristics in here, not his "typical boy" mannerisms that would make "rainman" a worthy point to abstract from).
Man you guys make me think! that's why you're name is up there^

I have to say although I do like my words in the ending,
"never compromise his beauty",
I do love your thought of saying "are lost in his beauty".
I don't know what I'll do about that, but I'll think it over.

Thank you for spending time here,
jen-
— jenakajoffer

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