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36 Double D's

Alas, she knoweth not
thine unseen enemy,
for now she
are indeed mighty,
but time tolls and they
shall becometh unsightly,
Oh gravity!

18 Jan 07

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 — unknown

 — Mongrol

I agree with the previous poster. Although it's a very short poem you have spelled everything out laboriously. Try and be much more subtle and you might make something of this.
 — unknown

hahaha!!! quite cute.
 — unknown

haha, it's cute but i'm not sure if it's cute in the way you meant it to be.  like, it's funny to put something in such an archaic way of "classic" style speaking when it is something like this, haha. about, jugs...  well, hmmm.

I laughed, but i'm not sure if everyone will "get it" the same way that i "get it."  i'd say, IF you DO want to go for THAT KIND of "funny"/"cute"-- you should go ALL OUT with the shakespeare talk..like

"36 Double D's"

Alas, thou knowest not
Thine unseen enemy
For now, thou hath
Mighty bosoms

But how in years
Thine bosoms
Slowly becometh unsightly
O' Gravity!

...but, i don't know. you're really taking a risk by doing it that way. some people will just think you're being serious. so. i don't know.

whatever you do, you've got a typo on line 8. change "unsighty" to "unsightly"

hope this inspires you to go go go keep writing or revising or both or something!

 — steveroggenb

Yes, I’ts just a little ditty for some humor (ladies I hope it's taken in good faith, just for fun – but you know he’s there....waiting ;o). I did like your idea, but wanted to keep the rhyme and the parenthesis so have opted for something in between – thanks!.
 — unknown

The language presents itself as serious, but of course the content doesn't.
That juxtaposition, in itself, makes this clever.
However, the parenthetical phrases do not.

 — unknown

Hi Rixes,
The parenthesis hold a meaning a little deeper than the theme of the poem may initially suggest. When in her bloom, a buxom woman is very often judged by her appearance, more specifically her chest, she, the woman, being a second observation and one of far less importance is almost ignored. When (middle) age, however, enforces its inevitable change, she is again judged but this time the chest, again being considered first and undesirable causes the her the woman, separate of her breasts, to be tarred with the same brush. The human condition is fickle.
 — unknown

oops ^^..but now undesirable..
 — unknown

glad it doesn't happen to nut sacs or i'd be chaffin on the floor
 — unknown