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naked
mikebauer

not allowed
 1
to even be,
 2
i ride through forests, child
 3
of trees, my first steps
 4
halting,
 5
treading on dead
 6
leaf and seed.
 7
 
 
have you,
 8
do you see me riding,
 9
even hear my horse’s echos,
 10
strong dark root
 11
of kock and seed. you laugh
 12
and slice me,
 13
pale knife.
 14
 
 
have you heard
 15
it? peasant
 16
tale of naked youth,
 17
a tree, the smell of horse,
 18
the sense of oddity? peasants
 19
hide behind dead trees.
 20
 
 
i ride
 21
to the land of mirror—
 22
i need to reach you,
 23
stretch out
 24
languor, shall i touch
 25
you? green leaf vigor—
 26
beauty of this city.
 27
 
 
naked youths ride
 28
hand on hand, glass
 29
gaze,
 30
i wonder
 31
if you know
 32
my name?
 33
they sing
 34
of fire stretched out
 35
of water,
 36
memory of trees.
 37
 
 
 
 
12.07.03
 38

17 Jan 07

Rated 10 (10) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

aww thank you!!
How did you do that?
Anyway, thanks mike,
f*k i love this poem.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

oh i see...
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

POSITIVES: Poem's mysterious tone is effective. It has a universal quality to it that could mean different things to different people, rather than focusing too hard on its own meaning. There is a subtle erotic tone that works very well, creating the poem's imagery rather than serving as self-indulgent or exploitive.
NEGATIVES: Scattershot use of commas is a distraction. Lines in a poem do not need help to end. Some of the end stops hurt the poem's rhythm, breaking up a thought in spots where a line should continue instead of breaking up. The first line of the second stanza ('have you') should be removed.  
 — CrashPony

Good stuff, bisexual bauer.
 — unknown

oh, man, crusher pony, if you don't read the "have you, do you?" then you've not caught the poem's rhythm form -- it's the form of the poem "naked" of course -- and i think you have to read this out loud a few times to get it as poetry. literally hundreds of readers have picked up on this -- this has been in print for two years -- and i believe that i worked it out correctly. i edit and re-edit my work for days before i find the poem in it.

i believe you, that it didn't work and should be re-written, but you've not given enough articulation -- other than "take it out" to make me understand who you are as a poet and where you're reading my poem: whether it's because you're so strong a poet and busy writing your own style that no style would work for you, because of your focus, or because you simply gave it too quick a reading and were distracted by the content: "ran the red light", so to speak.
 — mikebauer

Hey mike... first of all, if you want to hold a dialogue about your work then you better get used to respecting people's names. When you don't, you're weak and sad. Second... my opinion is mine, and I was fair in my criticisms as well as my praises. If you want to be a poet, or an adult for that matter, you better learn to deal with all angles. I see that a lot of people like your poem, and that's fine, but that has nothing to do with me. By the way... I did pick up on the rhythm of your poem. What made you assume I didn't? The line STILL doesn't work, and a weak line for the sake of mirroring another poem is not poetry.  
 — CrashPony

Mikebauer will ride Crashpony.
 — unknown

well, pony ya gotta understand that we play with words as our vocation, and that names are words. you can call me "miketurd" if you thought that was appropriate, and i'd respect it. that's what poets do.

secondo, any comment here is not a little bitching but a critical comment on theory of poetry: how a poem should be written, or could be written, or is written. the comment is to everyone here, not just a private little billet doux entre nous.

bottom line: it does work, and has worked in a hunnert readings and is very moving as a piece. go figure. you wanna punk me out that's ok, but i need more than "i tol' you what to say" from you to convince me that you've read the poem at all.
 — mikebauer

If you think I punked you... you are every bit as weak as I thought you were. It seems I am just dealing with another poor, put upon fag boy who thinks he's soooo out there and cool, and his shit don't stink. I thought you were an equal, but you are beneath the shit I scoop out of my cat's litter box. I am not here to kiss your immature ass... if you didn't want fair criticism, you should have stayed away.
 — CrashPony

grush groy, you don't like to think? or what? i gave you parameters and you keep revving your motorscooter. you can't fake me out just by talking more. say something intelligent and i'll pay way more attention than you can take.
 — mikebauer

I love the language you use in this poem and the mysterious quality it has. It is really well written and shows exceptional talent, however, certain lines don't flow as well as the rest of the poem ieL16,25,26, 29 & 30. The words are brilliant it's the way you have broken the lines.
 — marieF

thanks, marief. there's a full pause at the double dash -- reading it in strong declamation: have you heard it: peasant + tale of naked youth, a tree... there's a switching pause, a turning like a dance there. this poem is all dance, with spinning and counter-turns. probably some readers are going to have to hear this out loud, like a Wallace Stevens poem, say. there's a couple of videos of me floating around. they get shown in L.A. area on this poetry show sometimes. my stuff is maybe sometimes difficult to read, but it always hears well, and it might be that most people aren't familier with the rhythms of my kind of music until they hear them. for sure, it's not "rap" anyway... but it's not Keats either.
 — mikebauer

I dislike the some of the breaks used because some feel like the thought's split into two different lines while others deserve more attention (green leaf vigor--so sharp an image). The last stanza's well done in this respect.

i.e.:

"have you heard
it? peasant
tale of naked youth,"
>>
"have you heard it?
peasant tale
of naked youth,"

Another thing: given the tightness of the rest of the work, I'd eliminate 'a' and 'the' frome |18. Last gnat is re: some repetition of nouns like horse, peasant, youth, etc. Though it's a petty comment. "even hear my horse’s echos," may be changed to "even hear echoes of hooves" ... if you wanted. The additional 'of' adds some parallel structure to the 'of's further down the stanza.

But then again, what do I know?
 — Virgil

i think it's supposed to be that the echoes are my song, not the actual horse, which really doesn't exist in this. the image of boys riding horses is a myth the author has created in order to deal with "not allowed to even be", riding alone and hopeless.
 — mikebauer

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good poem
 — chuckles

thanks, c.k.
 — mikebauer

Shavedcunnie's gonna get you.
 — unknown

You suck.
 — unknown

Mike i'm not a fan of your other poems but i do find this piece very close to enchanting. My only crit is the changes in tense, I can't see the need for them.
 — unknown

Shavedcunnie's surely gonna get you.
 — unknown

Shavedcunnie's surely gonna get you.<

I should be so lucky. (not from MB)
 — unknown

Shavedcunnie already had Mary E. Babb.
 — unknown

"My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year."

I can't help but wonder if Frost inspires you.
To me, you are just as good.
 — jezkuh

jeeps, way no. in fact, committedly no, but we might both have been influenced by Yeats. i think my lines in this, my style is pretty unusual: no one's really shown up yet writing in the same way... and the people down in so-cal who imitate me -- like obviously -- don't get the sound-flow down. it's really about the music in the poem, not the content. the frost is hard, because i don't thing the horse means anything in that. it's all "who's boundary, what is this place to me? the world is empty of man ( 'his house is in the village though, he will not see me stopping')... then he does, my little horse... ummmm, is this a joke about queer horses, jez?? i'm dumb.

anywaay, don't puke, but i think i'm living in a time where i was allowed to write a more poetic line than him... post modern, and not having to prove myself politically correct.
 — mikebauer

It wasn't the rythm of the poem that reminded me of Frost, but the imagery; the horse, the forest, the isolation.

STOPPING BY WOODS...is about suicide. I see resemblences in tone and yes, perspective, i mean, like totally for sure. Your work can be dark. How about THE ROAD NOT TAKEN? I dunno. Maybe a more transcended Frost, sure. More poetic? Like, really?

He was obviously constricted by his ryhme scheme, so no, I'm not puking.
Post modernism most definitely loosens the reins.

Imitating?
Me thinks the lady doth protest too much, but I'm totally open to critique...
 — jezkuh

i'm not sure what you're saying -- by imitating, i mean a few poets in LA who know my work and are impressed by the force of the force in my work and try to effect that force through word choice. it doesn't work. and i suggested that the only thing the frost had in common with me was the content, and not the structure. i only take content on the poetry ride, the images, that is, and never let a concept drive the poem... i don't have to, because i don't have to prove myself to accademia anymore, i don't have to sound "deep" intellectually, because my poetry is working at a root structural level that invents psychology, rather than working from joe's psychology theory. my poem  isn't about suicide. it's about dispair and resignation - where i can't even create a suicide because the myth i've created to make a life, has been taken from me and has a life of its own. i'm forced to simply watch myself isolated and with no images, no words or action. the people ride off on their own and out of my world and take the world with them.
 — mikebauer

Nah, I didn't think your poem was about suicide.

The imitating thing, I thought you were talking about me, because you do inspire me to write outside this pathetic poetic structure that I feel was inhibiting me for years.

I'm done beating this dead horse. Was just observing.
 — jezkuh

no, sorry, i ddin't mean you at all. i don't think we break out until we have a horse to ride on: have to say something, finally, or die.
 — mikebauer

Not good.
 — unknown

JW68 would say, "Dumb stuff."
 — unknown

that would be important? i'd better check this writer out.
 — mikebauer

didn't find a JW68. did he die?
 — mikebauer

Pelican's gonna get you.
 — unknown

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