poetry critical

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what I mean when I say nothing ...
unknown

... is that on a silver night when the moon spreads herself in broad paths across the sea, when waves curl in an ever-moving fringe and all of the forest's leaves glow in the moon's radiance, I want to take your hand and hold it until the dew settles.
 1
 
 
I want to stand with you in your field of light and speak words that will make your heart pulse brighter than the flicker of any star and cause the butterflies in your stomach to rise up in a frenzy of emotion.
 2
 
 
I want my voice to permeate your senses like the scent of citrus fruits sliced fresh on a humid morning and my words to echo in the maze of your mind.
 3
 
 
And there in that place within you I want you to say that you finally understand the depth of my feeling, your voice a shadow, an oak.
 4

16 Jan 07

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Comments:

very clever title. i absolutely was enchanted by the format of this poem. the description encompassed the reader fully and it was like chocolate to the mind. be very proud of this beautiful poem.
 — lanezfairy

i am positivly glowing.
thank you so much lanzefairy :)
 — unknown

Lovely, lovely work.  Just..

Beautiful.
 — CervusWright

I like the way you're using the title to start the poem.

You can improve L1 by removing unneeded words. A more direct delivery will carry more power. For example, the last clause as "I want to hold your hand until the dew settles".

I don't think "the moon spreads herself" is the best way to convey what you're saying. One alternative would be "the moon paints broad paths across the sea". You can probably think of better.

L2, more extra words. Better "I want to stand in your field of light, speak words that make your heart pulse...", etc.

I like "make your heart pulse brighter than the flicker of any star", very nice.

Comparing your voice to a smell is an odd choice. You return to sound with "echo in...". Better maybe to work the whole line around sound.

L4 - needs some work. "that place within you" is pretty abstract. You want the person to say they understand, in that place within? A bit confusing. At a minimum try dropping the "And" starting the line, and adding a comma after "within you".

Oak and shadow doesn't make much sense to me as a voice. Particularly both, a voice can be a shadow and oak? A shadow would be cast by an oak. With a little thought I bet you can smooth that out.

The content of what you're saying is nice, clearly people are enjoying it. With a little work you can make the poem even stronger.
 — rocket

*turns red* oh my, thank you Cervusw.


hullo rocket, thank you for the crits;

L1-2 - *smile* i have been told that i am too wordy before, thank you for pointing it out, i am one of those people who needs to be reminded of things again and again. i shall edit when the time presents itself.

L4 - "that place within you" is speaking of the "field of light" in which we are standing. this is a personal understanding between myself and the person this is written to, in fact the whole poem is littered with them *laughs*. i do not feel that i can re-write it to make it hold any stronger meaning. i hope that you now understand and that i have not just confused things even more.
you need to stop thinking so literally about the description of the voice and just flow with the words. these two things are what his voice reminds me of and so they are there.

this is a very personal poem and i thank you for your gentle way of pointing me in the direction of improvement.

enjoy.
 — unknown

i dont suppose it would help then if i made L3 something along the lines of "...my words echo like the tang of mango ..." like i was originally intenting to.

*smile laugh*
 — unknown

title was more or less already used:
http://poetry.tetto.or g/read/2192/
 — unknown

poets are often deluded when they think that they have an original thought.
 — unknown

Fair enough, but to say that this has meaning that stands between only you and your subject, and you cannot revise to improve it, and yet post it on a workshop for criticism seems at cross-purposes. I don't say this to be argumentative, I only wonder about your motivation.
 — rocket

sorry rocket I wasnt very clear, I meant only that line.
 — unknown

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