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smileforme

In some ways
 1
The visit went well
 2
The warm embrace of family
 3
The reality in which I was raised
 4
The reality I once accepted
 5
That is what life was
 6
Was
 7
The same old faces
 8
With different expressions
 9
Now
 10
So few are the genuine
 11
The true smiles
 12
The warm
 13
Firm
 14
Hug
 15
The family
 16
The others
 17
Those people
 18
I am nothing to them
 19
There were few surprises
 20
I was surprised to find
 21
Some so angry
 22
Or hurt
 23
For no real reason
 24
Apparant to me
 25
Anyway
 26
The longer I stayed
 27
Back home
 28
The more I wanted to go
 29
Back to my home
 30
To the reality I've created for myself
 31
Over time
 32
Inventing the ground beneath my feet
 33
Choosing my family
 34
So true
 35
I can never go home
 36
I have to create it
 37
There is no one to hold a torch
 38
But me
 39

16 Jan 07

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Comments:

A good subject for a poem, and you've got some good ideas in it. However, you're telling the reader everything.

Better to show the reader the visit. Provide the details that convey the meaning, instead of stating it directly.

The form doesn't fit the content. Better to have a separate stanza for each different idea.
 — rocket

Thanks for the constructive crit rocket.

I kind of deliberately told the reader "everything."  The source of this is, in a way, a matter of fact reflection of exactly how I feel.  It is what it is because it could be no other way.  That is how I felt so that is how it came out, devoid of form.

I do really feel that the form does fit the content for the simple fact that it is my style.  I write as it comes, with or without form.  I guess form depends on what ones intentions are trying to convey.

I also feel that more poetry should be "matter of fact" for the simple belief that poetry exists to simplify existance in a complex world.  Why would we need poetry to hide anything?
 — smileforme

Its Ok, but is apretty obvious take on the theme of family. I was waiting to hear something revalatory but it never arrived.

Larry
 — larrylark

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