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Thinking of us in the tree lights
jenakajoffer

I am tired without you,
 1
staring into January
 2
tree lights, red and blue
 3
tint my window;
 4
memories flicker in the glass.
 5
 
 
We'd spoon the nights  
 6
in wild turkey winters,
 7
wrap ourselves in the sultry dark of summer
 8
sharing the breath between us.
 9
 
 
I dream of our days
 10
after white gold promises,
 11
sun and mornings, you
 12
warm and glowing beneath me,
 13
the whispered off-to-work
 14
I love you's
 15
and lazy egg suppers when Molly visits.
 16
 
 
I dream of when you kiss away
 17
my anytime tears
 18
and joke of gigantic
 19
canned, holiday hams.
 20
Our tree lights will glow
 21
until Super Bowl Sunday,
 22
reflecting the smiles
 23
of a reinvented home;
 24
a mom, a dad
 25
and our five.
 26
 
 
I am tired,
 27
dazzled by the pretty window;
 28
sleepless without you.
 29

just a blurb to say...(elephant shoes)
xox


15 Jan 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 6 users.
Active (6): 8, 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0): 9

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Comments:

On L5, reflection doesn't quite fit. You seem to mean memories, but reflection is a different idea altogether. "Staring off into" is a bit awkward. "Starting into" would probably be better.

I think using present tense in S1 would be an improvement. Repeating night three times in L6-7 is pretty awkward.

I like that you contrast night in S1 with sun and morning in S2.

You use capitalization in some places but not others. For example, January on L2, but none on L19. "Super Bowl Sunday" would better match. I've never seen it hyphenated.

There are some missing details. In S1, you describe being tired in his absence, but he appears in S3, supportive and present.
 — rocket

nice poem.
no apostrophe in 'i love yous'...?
 — varun

molly with capital 'm'?
 — varun

i like turkey
i like eggs
i like hams
illikeu...
 — chuckles

Thanks rocket and varun, a great help you are.
I've made several changes.
I'm glad u like.

awwchuckie...
xox
 — jenakajoffer

Made me feel a bit fuzzy.
 — SarahMichele

I like the revisions to S1. It feels like you've got an extra line, or at least some extra words . Try reading L4-5 as "memories flicker in the glass/we'd spoon the nights".

When I see wild turkey I think of those annoying radio ads. You could just go with whiskey winters, with the added benefit that it is alliterative. Otherwise you might capitalize it, "Wild Turkey". Unless, you're actually talking about wild turkeys, and in that case I've got this completely wrong! :) Also consider dropping the "and" of L8.

S2 has a few awkward bits. L12 could use a comma, it seems there are two thoughts, "I dream of days post white gold", "I dream of sun and mornings".

L14-15 seems abrupt. From "warm and glowing beneath me" to "off-to-work" and saying "I love you" in the same line. It seems like you're talking about two moments but haven't somehow spaced them using words or punctionation. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're saying.

S3 now fits much better as a progression from S2. L22 is another candidate for a comma.

S4 works okay as a conclusion, but I think it would be better to work the meaning into S1.

Nice work. You poem clearly says something, and you're doing a good job of including details and not making it yet another generic love poem.
 — rocket

thanks for returning rocket.  
I do mean wild turkeys, we have a lot of them here.  
I agree that "whiskey" sounds better but that wouldn't be true.  
I'm still going to work on the ending.  The thoughts came fast and I haven't really made time to think about it.  I wanted it to end with "our five" but it's nonconclusive for sure.  I want to bring the lights back in somehow.
Really great suggestions, I thank you.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Absolutely feeling the mental fatigue of this.  You wrote it very well without sounding too emotional, which is a sign of good writing.  Nice job.
 — Isabelle5

Thanks so much Isabelle! =-)
Jen-
 — unknown

[Comment removed by moderator.]

I have a question for rocket...
Are you hobby?
Not that it matters, your comments are always exceptional, not just on mine.

I'm having punc issues in the first 4 lines.  
I don't want to overpower it but I don't want to run on too much either.  
With some time and your help I'm enjoying this poem very much now.  
Rare that a poem of my own makes me well up with tears.
At least they're happy ones.
Thanks so much,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

simply beautiful.
 — unknown

Excellent work again.
No nits.
 — unknown

I recognize that word, "nits", just can't think of who says it right now.
Thank you... again.
Jen-
 — unknown

Dear Jen:
I am not sure why but I do not see the novelty in this, nor the potential to be top rated.  Reads tired to me ... a lot of abstraction, a lot of colors evoked, a lot of images from everyday life that, though they should probably help the reader relate to this writing, do not help this reader.  It seems to say too much by way of description without conveying enough, that is, without leaving anything to the reader who also has a responsibility to the poem.   I think this has the potential to be a good poem if you cut and edit it a bit.

"pretty window" in line 27 - why? and what does it mean by way of ending the poem

On a second read, I enjoy the idea and the narration, just not how it is done I suppose or maybe I am writing a dissertation on poetry and have become stuck in too much critique, for the curtness of which I apologize

Kindly,
Maria
 — slancho

No need to apologize maria, your comments are fair.
It is a tired poem, Isabelle was exhausted, haha.
I think others are still able to relate to the feelings involved,
day to day stuff, yeah, that's pretty much what I write about.  
  I'm sorry it's not metaphorically genial, this is just what comes naturally.
Your words are still very much appreciated and will be taken into consideration.  
If not in this poem, then certainly in the future.

Thank you for reading,
happy returns,
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

Very funny that I got drinking whiskey from L6, when you're talking abour rural living. Shows a lot about perspective. I hear commercials for Wild Turkey whiskey on the radio almost every day. It has clearly pervaded my subsconscious.

Reading the first stanza again, L2 plants an idea into my head that you're looking at the tree, and the language of L3-4 adjusts the view. It would be smoother if you can better orient the reader to what you're looking at and add the details. I like the language you've got.

I don't understand L7. The sultry kind of what? winter?

I lived in the country for a year. Your poem evokes for me the feeling of being back in that warm house. I like your writing style quite a bit.
 — rocket

yeah, I did have the feeling that some would think of whiskey with the wild turkeys in there, that's ok.  We definitely live in the country, glad you get that cozy feeling.
I'm thinking of when the tree stands in the middle of the livingroom window but I see now how my words make it confusing.
Line 7 is supposed to be about nights, the sultry kind.  Again, my choice of words cause some conflict.
Must do more tweaking I suppose.
Thanks for that.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

This is noce, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside:-)
 — sparrow

The poem did not hold any interest to me.

However I note your use of you’s, and the subsequent advice given by varun regarding the apostrophe.
Apostrophes are one of my many weaknesses too.
Nevertheless the only time I have ever heard yous being uttered in conversation was by a rather dim-witted Irishman who it would appeared was quite unabashed at his form of Irish English,
The only other time was by an equally illiterate New Jersey taxi driver, who pre-empted our advisement, with the question “Where’s yous guys going”

To which I replied “Wes is going to the Airport” obviously I must have hit on the local vernacular because he never batted an eyelid, and simply accepted that wes constituted two fare paying passengers.

If there ever was such a word in the English language as yous, then I think you have presented a perfectly reasonable case for apostrophizing it.

Mor.
 — Mor

Or maybe 'I love you's ?
 — unknown

I don't know what to say about "you's"...
It makes sense to me, but I do see what you and varun are saying.

Also, if this poem is so uninteresting then why all the high ratings?
Please don't be biased!
I will be the first to admit that this wasn't very well thought out and I presented with many mistakes here and there but this "blurb" does mean a lot to me.
It's very challenging for me to write about love without being "tired" or sad.
Workin' on it, and I thank those who help me along the way.
Jen-
 — unknown

Hi Jen,

Just saw your earlier note. I assume hobby is another user. I don't use any other names. Thanks for the compliment.
 — rocket

nice poem.

line 16 is confusing. that is if you're trying to say that you dream of ... when molly visits.  otherwise the tense is incorrect.

-v

p.s. - rocket, hobby has some real good words on this site. just in case...
 — unknown

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