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Perhaps (daydream distractions)
unknown

Perhaps because I show my affection
 1
in the shadow of words,
 2
in the shadow where two lovers lie,
 3
I tell myself you are here.
 4
I create what can be: I am not afraid.
 5
 
 
We seem a part of the wind,
 6
the dancing rain, almost part
 7
of this night; unaware of the distance,
 8
intent on the slow routine of our lust,
 9
though unearned and foreign.
 10
 
 
When morning disguises itself
 11
with incriminations, we imagine
 12
the secret evenings;
 13
the desire to live free again,
 14
fresh from stale weight,
 15
starting once more,
 16
undisciplined and fumbling
 17
in these unpredictable moments.
 18

14 Jan 07

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Comments:

So very beautiful
 — unknown

thank you.
 — unknown

Lovely work, a feeling smooth in language, image and delivery. Tiny nits I have:

S1l5 - I create what can be: I am not afraid
    Using the colon brings these two together, strengthening the thought. "not afraid," as opposed to "unafraid" gives it gentle force, but force nonetheless.

S2l1 -- We seem a part of the wind
    "Seem" implies "almost"  Lose almost for a direct approach and flight

S3l2 -- with incriminations we
   personally, I would lose "will" because ending on that double-ll weakens the line

I sure wish I was Amber. This is an excellent poem.

oo
 — unknown

Somebody pass me a tissue, please.  This is a heart naked on a page, so bare and so honest.  So many lines speak to me.  Whoever Amber is, I hope she gets it, too.
 — Isabelle5

thanks all. suggestions very much appreciated.
 — unknown

real poetry rarely gets the attention it deserves.

this is beautiful.
 — unknown

thanks unknown.
 — unknown

lines 9 and 10 - my favorite
thanks, love
your keebler
 — unknown

L15- weight
ugh...
 — unknown

hi sam.
so, i finally read it twice once more.
nice poem.
i love line 3. by far my favourite line in this piece. the combination of 'shadow of words' comes crashing in with 'lie' at the end of line 3.

some suggestions if you would consider;
lines 4 and 5 could be tigher i think. maybe like so:

i tell myself you
are here. unafraid, i
create what can be.

lines 6-8:
we seem like a part of the wind,
the dancing rain, almost like
a part of this night; unaware
of distance, intent on slow routine
of our lust, unearned and foreign.

for lines 11-18, i want to suggest a drastic change.
would you consider lines 11-13 as the closing three lines?
then it would be like so:

the desire to live free
again, fresh from stale weight,
starting once more, indisciplined
and fumbling in these
unpredictable moments;
when mornings disguise themselves
with incriminations, we imagine
secret evenings.

p.s. - i do prefer indisciplined as opposed to undisciplined. the connotations, of course, differ.
 — varun

no, no, no varun....this is by unknown;)
before I delete this I will take all your suggestions into consideration. thanks buddy.
 — unknown

apologies.
 — varun

not necessary varun. thanks for your advice.
 — unknown

It was good but i can do better.
Gabrielle
 — unknown

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