poetry critical

online poetry workshop



red streaks
theair

when you left, I
 1
painted your portrait
 2
in rhinestone and honeydew
 3
 
 
on litmus paper, and
 4
raised it to the skies
 5
in the midst of acid rain.
 6

14 Jan 07

Rated 7.8 (8.3) by 13 users.
Active (13): 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 6, 7, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

a beautiful combination of words and bittersweet sentiment
 — opal

Elementary poetry.
 — unknown

opal, thank you.
unknown, please explain why you feel that way?

theair
 — unknown

Not enough said. Write more.
 — JerryReed

i don't think anything else needs to be said. nicely done.
 — snow

It's got very pretty vocabulary and imagery, but it's too much without substance.
 — FangzOfFire

Snow is stupid.
 — unknown

why am I stupid? I don't understand why anyone would think this piece needs more substance. what exactly is it lacking? there is a complete and cohesive image and storyline here.

maybe you're not undestanding the litmus part? litmus paper turns red when exposed to acid. it is used as an indicator for such. holding the portrait in the acid rain, then, would wash away the picture in streaks of red (hence the red streaks).

i think this is effective in its brevity.
 — snow

Shut up, Snow.
 — unknown

I hope everyone on this site isn't as ignorant and annoying as this unknown...

more on the poem: I like honeydew and rhinestone but it's hard for me to derive any sort of specific sentiment or meaning from them. I dunno. still great

snow
 — unknown

really good poem.

the wording in lines 3 and 4 seems  LITTLE clunky, but not too bad. definitely a nice write.

steve
 — steveroggenb

Hi,
The last line phrasing is off -  "an acid rain"

A nice play of words might be to do something like this:

raised it amidst the
the tail storm
of your acid reign

just a thought?

Rgds
hobby
 — hobby

i thoroughly enjoy this...excellent write.
 — GreenDreams

Shut up steveroggenb.
 — unknown

WOW Really?
 — larrylark

kick ass. i liked how you used beautiful description that was orginial ("painted your portrait in rhinestone and honeydew" was seriously awesome). at the same time, you had a strong ending. sorry i have no suggestions for you. well-written poem.
 — lanezfairy

I don't get rhinestone and honeydew but I like the images in the rest of the poem.
one thing, "an" acid rain?  hmm.
Nice work,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

RHINESTONE HONEYDEW? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN REALLY? OTHERWISE GD POEM
 — unknown

You have some kind of kinky fascination with litmus paper?
 — aurelius

nice.
 — listen

nice words. nice poem.
 — varun

thanks to all who commented.

aurelius: no fascination with litmus paper per se; just stretching it out for its imagistic quality I guess. thought I'd use it in a poem and ended up using it twice. thanks for commenting.
 — theair

a little over the top topical. like, as though you'd written this nice first stanza and then, not trusting your own technique, or thinking that it wasn't an "important enough" writing, you powdered and painted it into a meda star.
 — mikebauer

This is really 3 peoples favorite? Are you serious? 7 because it wasn't that bad.
 — Jillian

This poem isn't empty, but there is a lot more you could tell about your subject. What you've got is fine but it doesn't tell enough to really interest me.
 — rocket

rocket, maybe this shows the difference in basic consciousness between the story tellers and the poet. the poet reads this and is taken into a magic space of image and sound: my mind fills with the images and the words, and the conscision of this piece, the first stanza, makes a word sculpture that i am pulled and pushed into.

the narrative, verse, story telling work simply talks about things in a way that is easy for the simple listener to hear and be moved by. but, it's only using words and phrases already used by everyone: a telephone conversation depending on talking about something for rocket to make it work.

this, the first stanza, at least, is a poem.
 — mikebauer

I agree that 'rhinestone and honeydew' seems a bit random, though it has a nice ring to it.  It's hard to tell what this phrase is supposed to add to the poem.  

The only thing I can think of is maybe a sense of luxury or opulence.  But then I can't really fully connect it to the whole image. Exposing what was valued so they can get bled on by sour circumstance maybe?  Hmm.  I get some inkling of meaning there, but it feels too stretched.   The metahpor, if there is one, doesn't fully hold up together for me.

But I like the title. :)    
 — unknown

it's hard for me, but this is a significant moment, to understand how someone can read the words rhinestone and honeydew without being flooded in sensibility by the images they conjure. poetry, a poem, is about the reauthenticating of the knowable through syntactiacally evocative juxtapositions like this one. for me, a reader of poems, it's the synthetic moment, and the truth and content of the poem, to say "this feeling is like that, and the two, in this poem, make a new emotion that i've never felt before and cannot name in any way.

poetry isn't a relating of newpaper type "facts" with pretty words. it's the invention of fact throught the invention of word. whatever factual truth is in this is the reality that inspired the intensity, not the nouns verbating in the poem; the poem's truth.
 — mikebauer

rhinestone & honeydew are not there just to look pretty. I had a meaning in mind when I chose them. they are supposed to provide a juxtaposition for the speaker's mixed feelings on the person who left him. rhinestone as a dark, rough substance represents the animosity while the honeydew, as a lighter and softer substance, represents the lingering feelings of love & affection. looks like mike picked up on it. maybe it was a bit of a stretch, I dunno.

thanks for taking the time, to those who commented.
 — theair

two commas and that period, i think you can rid red streaks of those...
might also consider a small I?
 — varun

let me bother you some more;

when you left i
painted your portrait
on litmus paper in

rhinestone and honeydew and
raised it to the sky
in the midst of acid rain
 — varun

v, ever the punctuational minimalist. what's your qualm with caps, commas, etc?
 — theair

no qualms. wasn't pointing to the punct. just to the re-formatted lines.

could be so:

when you left, I
painted your portrait
on litmus paper in

rhinestone and honeydew and
raised it to the skies
in the midst of acid rain.
 — varun

but i am the minimalist, yes.
but my latest speaks otherwise. other than caps.
 — varun

henh. how's that for advertising.
 — varun

a perfect image of our feelings being in tune with the modern world, sometimes polluted and warmer than it should be.
great writing!
 — sparrow

this sucks so much ass
 — unknown

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