poetry critical

online poetry workshop

brave new waves

we meet
at 5 o' clock sharp,
carrying sombre black cases,
darting from one littered stairwell
to the next,
our skittish gait
like secretive,
playful magpies.
flitting from one tunnel
flitting to the next
across polluted
a burrow beneath sidewalks,
humming rush-hour cars and groaning pipes
full of firefly lanterns,
cold sides warmed by ancient palms.
we unpack.
a gaunt man breathes
through his accordion of newspapers.
a steel-eyed child's spoon clangs
against a rusty spaghetti strainer.
i rattle a broken oboe
and trace unseeing fingers
against archaic glyphs carved in the wall,
hoping to read
notes nature long forgot.
as we emerge in black suits
i lower the brim of my hat,
the self-disassembling metropolis
chases my vision,
the sun its predecessor.
sleek metallic buidings glisten and crumble.
i drop my instrument,
sealing the forgotten shrine.
in the hollow dusk
the sky evaporates -
steam spills from the sewer
at my feet,
echoing caverns
and jungle glyphs


13 Jan 07

Rated 9.4 (8.3) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10

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(151 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

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l like this poem very much--writer is very talented.
 — anji

I'm curious.  There's no ratings listed here, and only one comment...
How is this on the Top Rated?

Will comment when I'm answered.
 — aurelius

 — listen

I read this, there was a whole lotta 10 ratings with no explanations.
 — jenakajoffer

no idea aurelius. people just decided to rate without commenting.
honestly, i prefer comments over ratings any day, so i think it's pretty unfortunate.
 — unknown

I feel at peace reading this. Thankyou.
 — balance

I liked this imaginative exercise; it certainly is a cut above some of the top rated prose that has been posted on PC recently.

I did not particularly like the repetition of flitting in lines nine and ten.
Bearing mind the daring and inquisitive nature of magpies
‘transient eagerness’ came to mind for line ten rather than the applied staid repetition.

Also I don’t think “polluted divided waters” works too well
I would suggest rewriting the stanza in order that you may synchronise your steps.
Possibly along these lines

Flitting from one tunnel
to another
Across polluted
and divided waters.

Or perhaps.

Flitting from one tunnel
to another
Across pollution’s
dark divided waters

I liked line twenty five that was excellent, though I think line twenty seven spoilt it slightly with definite article the. Figured notes; seems to me much  more applicable.

I like the way it ended.

I never rate poetry, so nothing I say or do, will make the least difference to the rating.

 — Mor

wow, your imagery is wonderful.
this poem is an urban journey, most perfectly woven in words.
 — sparrow

Seems typically Inuki-ed:

pretty, wonderful images, lovely allusions,

but where's [the point]?
Your message.
 — unknown

The point? The poem's subverting the image of the underground, its stereotypes.
 — Virgil

Both the poem and the song took me on very separate, yet similar journeys. I'm a lover of any kind of music, as long as it has some sort of rhythm. I love this style! I have no suggestions, I just couldn't begin to think of any! Brave New Waves fits well. Again, I love it. Thank you for taking me with you.
 — dreamergirl

I like the raw, urban feel of this poem.  It's filled with a "street" sense and a starkness that's reflected in the wise choice of lyric and the very gifted way in which you can paint a real picture.  Awesome and very deserving of the #1 spot.  Congrats!
 — starr

And that this is a self-acclaimed critical poetry's site best, is a hypocrisy in itself.

I should find little poetry in this, but childish pedantics.

 — unknown

some problems, i think-
here they be...

L6- our skittish gait

a skittish gait would not be anything like "secretive" "playful" "magpies" at all.
a skittish gait immediately minds of an     "openly" "nervous" "horse"
therefore i recommend deleting this line

L14-17  i believe some form of punctuation is needed after "pipes".

as it stands, it is unclear whether the groaning pipes are full of the lanterns
or the burrow.
your line break is not solid enough, considering the rest of this piece employs
punctuation at line-ends in the manner i suggest.

L22,23 "spoon clangs...rusty spaghetti strainer"

clang, to me, has the feel of a somewhat ringing, or continued sound.
neither a spoon, nor a thin-rusty metal/ full-of-holes item is going to produce a
therefore, i suggest "clank"

L27 "notes nature long forgot"  

i'm not too sure this is grammatically correct.
i want it to be long ago forgot, but i could be wrong...

lastly, how important is "glyphs"?
this is an awfully strange, not-often-used word to repeat.
a sort of sore thumb, to me, if you will.

overall, a fine read.
just in need of some tweaking, i feel...

well done
 — chuckles

kudos for the marketing skills, but thats the extent of my generosity on this piece. I'm not going to leave this without backing myself uphowever, so, it reads in a way that you are trying to confuse the reader with some of your imagary. An overindulgance which detracts from whats "good" about the piece. To be completely honest, it made me sigh in the first line or two, when I knew what kind of poem I was going to be reading.
 — SolCarloman

I still think this reads well.  However, now that he mentions it, I would have to agree with Chuckles about L27 with the "notes nature long forgot."  Maybe it would read better if it were to say "notes nature fogot," which I don't like too much either or "notes nature has long forgotten."  You get the idea.  I still think this poem is a prize and so do a host of others with all the "10" ratings, myself included.  
 — starr

good poem...
 — chuckles

no need for coma line 7, very smooth and very cool, it moves thru many emotions,
well written. I enjoyed the adventure.
 — gjenkins

A dash, a semicolon, a comma, nothing (probably the best choice for punctuation here), even a colon would be better than a period at the end of line 8, because currently lines 9-13 are an incomplete sentence.

14-17 is another fragment.  I’m beginning to think this must be intentional but, pardon my ignorance, I don’t see the purpose.

I like many of you images, but my favorite is the accordion of newspapers.

buildings in line 33
 — wily

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