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end of the world.
varun

tangled kites plunged
 1
and much like us
 2
floated.
 3
 
 
day dripped
 4
like orange paint
 5
into the ocean.
 6
 
 
words waiting,
 7
wills were cast
 8
like sails
 9
further from
 10
and beyond seams
 11
of imminent storms.
 12
 
 
evening became.
 13
 
 
and another moment
 14
betrayed time.
 15

13 Jan 07

Rated 7.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
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anyone?
 — unknown

nesh beggar .
 — unknown

nesh beggar. mmm. nesh beggar.
 — unknown

hi v.

i came back because no one had posted on this poem.
delicious.

you're capturing the essence of a single (lovebound) moment, yeah?
first couple lines--tangled, kites, floating: all seem to reflect the embrace of two maybe long-separated or entwined people.

4-6 is an interlude. depicting the sunset?

8-12 is interesting. words waiting implies that action takes precedence.
wills were cast like sails... catching wind, catching a breeze, uncontrollable,
inevitable. very nice.

10-12 are, well, the embodiment of the title; the moment preceding said event.

i'm not sure how much i like line 13. i understand what you're saying.
just the wording seems a little off. i like the we. and the gazes.
but caged is eh.

the last two lines of this poem definitely make it.
absolutely adore the last two.

smile!
midare
 — midare

hi midare. long time. thanks for taking time.
yeah, i'm not sure about caged myself.
stuck without ideas.
 — varun

perhaps

gazes fused
 — varun

maybe caught?

midare
 — unknown

another tangent.
 — varun

I really love 'day dripped like orange paint'. can't articulate exactly why it works so well. if it were black paint I would probably dislike. something about it works perfectly. and the rest of the poem works well too. nicely done.
 — theair

I like the use of "became" as a verb.
And I like this poem.


Rixes.
 — Rixes

thanks air, rixes.
 — varun

I read "The Kite Runner" recently - this poem made me think of the book, of the whole of the book.  Have you read it ... read its betrayal.  Why is the poem in past tense, varun?  How about the present?  I love the last five lines the most, beautiful sounds, relating to no one specific thing, yet being very importantly singular in their relationship to the reader.  Also, appealing to some general, anacademically informed sense of rhythm, meaning and metaphor ... good, solid writing, very evocative for me.
Thank you, again, always
Yours
Maria

I still would propose present tense in the poem, precisely perhaps because it is about the end of the world, why not play a trick with tenses, on yourself?
 — slancho

i'm glad you liked this, maria.
she did too. in fact, she loved it.
we were in bombay, and we flew kites which the wind took from us. and put to the sea.
it was our last evening. and so, i took a photograph with my slr. as well as with some words. and so, the past tense. like a picture.
the title is because of 'the world can end now', as she said it, and because we were on the edge of the ocean.
 — varun

so why not "the world can end now" as the title?  Is is very powerful
thank you for sharing her with me as well

Love
Maria
 — slancho

it is literally the end of the world, the edge of the ocean...
and metaphorically, the world could have ended. since she left, we could say that...
so i picked this one.
 — varun

of course you can pick whatever you want for a title, dear varun, it is your choice and I am not one to contest it
However, the end of the world is no one point that one can really define, from the visual perspective depending on where we are at any one given moment, the world ends many times and begins anew at another axis.  However, the beautiful thing about your poetry, apart from my philosophical bs'ing here, is that it reads singularly and somehow intuitively despite the possible multiple meanings that language, in its very untranslatability, offers.  Why the end of the world with her departure, see it as the beginning, or why not the beginning after the end ... metaphorically speaking, one never leaves.  But you know that better.  Write to me, we can talk and I will send Celan today.  Now, off to the prison where I teach creative writing.  

Yours
Maria
 — slancho

is the edge the end?
or rather, is it only the end?
m
 — slancho

hmmyesyes
end of the world, eh?

wills were cast- at first, i didn't like the sound of it.
it's (along with sails) sorta wedged in, between a bunch of whispers, and a lot of
humming.
after i read a couple times, though, it sounds like the fleeting crash in the distance of waves breaking on rocks; a kind of peripheral.

can you tell i'm on a big sound bender lately?
nifty words

(oh, i'm goin quite well, thank you)
 — chuckles

the edge. and what it meant to her. :)

chuck, it's great that you pay attention to sounds. i've learnt more. thanks.
 — varun

I like it but it would be much better with punctuation so we can see the breaks.  Otherwise, some lines run together, such as 2-3.  Do you mean you floated?  If yes, then you have to change the Us to We.  

This is how I'm reading it, correct me if it's wrong, please.

Tangled kites plunged
and, much like us, floated.

Day dripped
like orange paint
into the ocean,
words waiting.

Wills were cast like sails,
further from
and beyond seams of imminent storms,

evening became

and another moment
betrayed time.

I love the orange paint line and overall, this is good but you need to consider that lack of punctuation.  Some of the lines can seem really odd otherwise.

You could end up with "floated day dripped."
 — Isabelle5

tangled kites plunged.

and, much like us,
floated.

day dripped
like orange paint
into the ocean.

words waiting,
wills were cast
like sails
further from
and beyond seams
of imminent storms.

evening became.

and another moment
betrayed time.



doing that^ gave me an idea, what if i wrote 'with' before 'words'? that would solve a whole lot, no?
thanks isabelle.
 — varun

Yes, this is very good.  With would be good there.  
 — Isabelle5

Okay, this always bugs me but why are there good comments here but I am the only one who has commented and rated?  How will others know this is good if we don't take the time to give it a rate?
 — Isabelle5

I did not know it was obligatory to rate after we comment, methinks the latter is more valuable (as least to me)
If Varun wants the poem to be rated, I will rate it but hate to bring this down to numbers.  
Just my humble, non-empirical opinion
Maria
 — slancho

Of course it's not an obligation, Slancho, it's just a hint to the community that something good has crossed our path, I guess.  It's never an obligation.
 — Isabelle5

though, isabelle, i do prefer the comma after 'waiting' rather than 'with' before words...
 — varun

edited.
thank you muchly, all.

more?
 — varun

I I like the punchiness of the ending.  It sticks out well. Very nice imagery too.  Looks pretty damn good, i guess you have been through some editing already.
 — idontknow

hey man. long time.
thanks for taking time. i like this poem myself.
-v
 — unknown

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