nesh beggar .
nesh beggar. mmm. nesh beggar.
i came back because no one had posted on this poem.
you're capturing the essence of a single (lovebound) moment, yeah?
first couple lines--tangled, kites, floating: all seem to reflect the embrace of two maybe long-separated or entwined people.
4-6 is an interlude. depicting the sunset?
8-12 is interesting. words waiting implies that action takes precedence.
wills were cast like sails... catching wind, catching a breeze, uncontrollable,
inevitable. very nice.
10-12 are, well, the embodiment of the title; the moment preceding said event.
i'm not sure how much i like line 13. i understand what you're saying.
just the wording seems a little off. i like the we. and the gazes.
but caged is eh.
the last two lines of this poem definitely make it.
absolutely adore the last two.
hi midare. long time. thanks for taking time.
yeah, i'm not sure about caged myself.
stuck without ideas.
I really love 'day dripped like orange paint'. can't articulate exactly why it works so well. if it were black paint I would probably dislike. something about it works perfectly. and the rest of the poem works well too. nicely done.
I like the use of "became" as a verb.
And I like this poem.
thanks air, rixes.
I read "The Kite Runner" recently - this poem made me think of the book, of the whole of the book. Have you read it ... read its betrayal. Why is the poem in past tense, varun? How about the present? I love the last five lines the most, beautiful sounds, relating to no one specific thing, yet being very importantly singular in their relationship to the reader. Also, appealing to some general, anacademically informed sense of rhythm, meaning and metaphor ... good, solid writing, very evocative for me.
Thank you, again, always
I still would propose present tense in the poem, precisely perhaps because it is about the end of the world, why not play a trick with tenses, on yourself?
i'm glad you liked this, maria.
she did too. in fact, she loved it.
we were in bombay, and we flew kites which the wind took from us. and put to the sea.
it was our last evening. and so, i took a photograph with my slr. as well as with some words. and so, the past tense. like a picture.
the title is because of 'the world can end now', as she said it, and because we were on the edge of the ocean.
so why not "the world can end now" as the title? Is is very powerful
thank you for sharing her with me as well
it is literally the end of the world, the edge of the ocean...
and metaphorically, the world could have ended. since she left, we could say that...
so i picked this one.
of course you can pick whatever you want for a title, dear varun, it is your choice and I am not one to contest it
However, the end of the world is no one point that one can really define, from the visual perspective depending on where we are at any one given moment, the world ends many times and begins anew at another axis. However, the beautiful thing about your poetry, apart from my philosophical bs'ing here, is that it reads singularly and somehow intuitively despite the possible multiple meanings that language, in its very untranslatability, offers. Why the end of the world with her departure, see it as the beginning, or why not the beginning after the end ... metaphorically speaking, one never leaves. But you know that better. Write to me, we can talk and I will send Celan today. Now, off to the prison where I teach creative writing.
is the edge the end?
or rather, is it only the end?
end of the world, eh?
wills were cast- at first, i didn't like the sound of it.
it's (along with sails) sorta wedged in, between a bunch of whispers, and a lot of
after i read a couple times, though, it sounds like the fleeting crash in the distance of waves breaking on rocks; a kind of peripheral.
can you tell i'm on a big sound bender lately?
(oh, i'm goin quite well, thank you)
the edge. and what it meant to her. :)
chuck, it's great that you pay attention to sounds. i've learnt more. thanks.
I like it but it would be much better with punctuation so we can see the breaks. Otherwise, some lines run together, such as 2-3. Do you mean you floated? If yes, then you have to change the Us to We.
This is how I'm reading it, correct me if it's wrong, please.
Tangled kites plunged
and, much like us, floated.
like orange paint
into the ocean,
Wills were cast like sails,
and beyond seams of imminent storms,
and another moment
I love the orange paint line and overall, this is good but you need to consider that lack of punctuation. Some of the lines can seem really odd otherwise.
You could end up with "floated day dripped."
tangled kites plunged.
and, much like us,
like orange paint
into the ocean.
wills were cast
and beyond seams
of imminent storms.
and another moment
doing that^ gave me an idea, what if i wrote 'with' before 'words'? that would solve a whole lot, no?
Yes, this is very good. With would be good there.
Okay, this always bugs me but why are there good comments here but I am the only one who has commented and rated? How will others know this is good if we don't take the time to give it a rate?
I did not know it was obligatory to rate after we comment, methinks the latter is more valuable (as least to me)
If Varun wants the poem to be rated, I will rate it but hate to bring this down to numbers.
Just my humble, non-empirical opinion
Of course it's not an obligation, Slancho, it's just a hint to the community that something good has crossed our path, I guess. It's never an obligation.
though, isabelle, i do prefer the comma after 'waiting' rather than 'with' before words...
thank you muchly, all.
I I like the punchiness of the ending. It sticks out well. Very nice imagery too. Looks pretty damn good, i guess you have been through some editing already.
hey man. long time.
thanks for taking time. i like this poem myself.