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Pressed Flowers
PeggyParis

Pressed flowers under crystal glass,
 1
some photos set in frames
 2
are records of a time long passed
 3
that memory reclaims.
 4
 
 
A baby book with heights and weights,
 5
two little shoes well worn
 6
spark thoughts my brain now extricates
 7
and heart forever mourns.
 8
 
 
Certificates and treasures stored
 9
within a special case
 10
are left from vistas once explored
 11
and dreams I then did chase.
 12
 
 
Old letters that were sent to me,
 13
I kept them one and all.
 14
Back then, I never did foresee
 15
events that would befall.
 16
 
 
This path I chose to tread through life
 17
may twist again once more.
 18
I know not of the joys and strife
 19
of what yet lies in store.
 20
 
 
Tomorrows turn to yesterdays
 21
in lifetime's total sums.
 22
Today's new blooms are pressed bouquets
 23
as soon tomorrow comes.
 24

11 Jan 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 4 users.
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Comments:

STrinkingly poignant.  
 — Isabelle5

the form hit me first. the dedication to the syllable count is incredible. you don't loe it once. it keeps a sharp baet and rhythm that resonates when i read it. i do not want to offer anything as it would alter this. The poem itself is very thoughtful. a lot of effort into structure and content. well done. 10
 — Esoteric

Well, I meant strikingly!   hahahaha!
 — Isabelle5

Thank you both.  LOL...this idea popped into my head in the middle of the night.  I keep a notepad on the nightstand, or I'd never sleep!
 — PeggyParis

i'd have to agree. A notepad is an essentiality. I'm amazed this came to you in the middle of the night. it feels more alert.
 — Esoteric

LOL...I'm way too alert at 2 am!  I write better when I should be sleeping than I write when I should be awake.  Hey, you take what you get and roll with it!
 — PeggyParis

My first reaction to this was a sense of alarm - the clock is ticking, AAAAAH!

Nicely done, I hope your memories are fond ones.

I also write best in the middle of the night. Writing has turned me into an insomniac.
 — rocket

The meter here is very tight, but I do have some comments. Crystal is just another word for glass one or the other is redundant. Line 2 & line 4, I don't think the ellipsis is the best choice of punctuation here, nor the period at the end of line 4, which is succeeded by what is essentially a list. Line 8 is the first example of twisted syntax to fit the rhyme, there is more, it is a shame. Line 11 "those slides" refers by subject to certificates and treasures which is not what I think you intended, replacing "those" would solve this. The double yet in lines 18 and 20 is unwieldy, still could replace one of them. Ambiguity lies in both the 'you' of line 13, and the 'life ... twist" of lines 17& 18 is abstract without further explanation or expansion. For me the objects lacked clarity one from the other, nor did they have natural progression in so far as the objects told a story of themselves. The conclusion that pressed flowers are not just flowers, but also memories or objects of importance was nicely developed.
 — unknown

stupidasfuck title
 — unknown

Thank you, rocket.  I'm glad you liked this poem and hope you will still feel the same if you choose to read this revised version.

- - - - - -

Unknown#1, I truly appreciate your valuable remarks and suggestions.  I relish constructive criticism and that is exactly what you offered!  THANK YOU!!!  Actually, I hope you will read the revised version and comment again.  I'm sure you will still have some additional suggestions, but I have made some changes that came as a result of considering what you had to say.

Perhaps you always comment as an "unknown." but I can assure you that, in my case, I would have liked the opportunity to know your user name.  Why?  I have a feeling you write very, very well and would like to read your work!  Not all people take criticism well, but I am here to receive constructive comments.  As I see it, you are willing to help.  Thanks, again for the time you spent!

To unknown #2:  What can I say?  
 — PeggyParis

I wanted to add one clarification to crystal and glass being redundant.  Crystal means colorless.  Not all glass is colorless.  Hence, I chose to write crystal glass to indicate the transparency.  
 — PeggyParis

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