poetry critical

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Tell Me What This Feeling Is
ashley87

First shot, so...constructive criticism would be nice, please.

Brackish water, blank skies, within my world.
 1
Birds of deathly attire circle my mind,
 2
An atmosphere of potential swirled
 3
Thoughts without comprehension you will find.
 4
Burnt trees, black flowers, scarlet sun above.
 5
Ebony stars dance in my heavens, will
 6
You dance with me? My hand is but a glove.
 7
Do I frighten you? Do you feel a thrill
 8
From my presence? Obsession running through
 9
Me, confusion in heart, body and spirit.
 10
This high, it is new, how do I tell you
 11
This odd, strange feeling? To tell you that it
 12
Is taking over my haven, the two
 13
Thoughts on my mind are, please don't go, and bring
 14
Sanity back. On my hand, place a ring.
 15

10 Jan 07


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(4 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I think you could start more smoothly by first introducing the setting (world in your mind), perhaps as a simile, and then describing (brackish water, blank skies, birds circling). Ending lines one and two with "my world", "my mind" feels like you're feeding us backwards.

Lines 3-4 have a bit of a Yoda feel.

Using dance on line 6 and line 7 weakens line 7. Consider replacing "dance" on line 6 with a specific dance (foxtrot, tango).

Try reading line 9 with "runs" replacing "running".

consider moving the content starting at line 11 before the confession of you confusion and obsession. As it is, they are introduced as a bit abstract until you better describe the context in the following lines.

By describing your mind as a world, and than your feelings, the two feel disjointed.
Try to tie the two together. Perhaps describe how "You" transforms or affects that landscape, or contrast "You" with that landscape.
 — rocket

I think I should've said this before, sorry for leaving it out: there are only supposed to be ten syllables in each line, and it should have a rhyme scheme of ababcdcdefefegg.
 — ashley87

I want to make love to you, Baby. Call me. My # is: 574-276-8674
 — unknown

Excuse me? Did you have anything meaningful to say?
 — ashley87

Ashley--you would really benefit from a good reading of Edgar Allan Poe.  As a teacher, I'd recommend picking up "The Raven" and "Annabelle Lee" and reading them thru a good 3 or 4 times each.  Then, feel that "dark" feeling and come back to this poem of yours and re-build it.  I think the fire you will be ignited with from the spirit of Mr. Poe will be the spark you need to update this poem properly.  I will check in again to see if you've taken the time to do this.  ~the nutty professor
 — aforbing

Mikebauer is an asshole. It is terrible what he has done to jerryreed. Jerry reed just told the asshole to grow up. Then asshole wrote that damn buttercup poem. Mikebauer is rotten. If you like him, you will be sorry.
 — unknown

Thank you, Rocket, and Aforbing for the input.
 — ashley87

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