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See Jane
jezkuh

Jane went to fashion school
 1
to learn
 2
how to sew herself back together
 3
 
 
she likes my vintage Hawaiian shirt
 4
 
 
She says to Lauren “You’re hot. Don’t you get it?”
 5
Lauren was busy dusting the toilet off
 6
 
 
Jane looks herself up and down and sees someone who’s too
 7
“Skinny. I’m too skinny. I look like a crack--
 8
was not the soup de jour
 9
 
 
I just stood there in my Hawaiian shirt
 10
 
 
in a bathroom
 11
where things sometimes happen
 12
 
 
like
 13
 
 
Jane digs in her purse that she got downtown
 14
Lauren pretends to like it
 15
Louis Vuitton is the new black
 16
 
 
later
 17
 
 
Jane asks a celebrity for a picture
 18
Her eyes come out squinted and blurry
 19
 
 
this picture
 20
of me
 21
with you
 22
will make
 23
me
 24
look better
 25
than
 26
you feel
 27
 
 
Thank you Hollywood
 28

10 Jan 07

Rated 8 (8) by 3 users.
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Comments:

When I saw the title I thought this poem was about about a Californian, and I was like, I think I'll read it. I think a better title would be one that more specific to the content. See Jane Sew sprung to mind, but I bet you can do better.

I'd drop line one and make line 2 "Jane went to fashion school to". Line one is not interesting and doesn't impart much information. First lines are like song one on an album, if people don't like it they won't ever make it to song two. I'd drop line 3 and to from line 4. Read it without and see if you lose anything.

Pared down I think your lines "Jane went to fashion school/to sew herself back together" are interesting and a good introduction to the poem.

I don't see the point of the line breaks and capitalization.

When arriving at line 10, the toilet is an abrupt introduction to the fact we're in a bathroom. Lauren's motive for dusting the toilet off is ambiguous. (I have my suspicions) Since this is a poem why not spell it out with description.

I think line eleven is a bit wordy. Better to find a more concise way to say the same thing.

I don't get line 13 at all.

Lines 15-16 seem like they should be much earlier in the poem. Or part of your title.

I'm on the fence with the "Like" and "Later" of lines 17 and 21. In part they seem clunky and awkward, but they also seem kind of cool, like an movie intermission or the text explanation used in old silent films.

On the whole I rather like this, but it seems like it could be much better with some revision.
 — rocket

Really effective and shrewdly observed
 — larrylark

rocket,

Thanks for your notes. I'm going to come back to this when I get a chance.  Awesome title suggestion - that's funny because I never liked the original one, and I went to bed thinking "What about See Jane run?"

What do you think about this one?
 — jezkuh

I agree with rocket - the first line isnt needed, especially when compared to the rest of the content. It's as if a full stop has been put on from the beginning, which undermines the rest. I will admit I got lost a few times reading it, if only because of the breaks and the punctuation marks.

Also, there is a lot of informing here, as oppsoed to letting our minds wander and figure out exactly where we are, what is going on etc. certain lines arent neede and could be formatted into other lines - examples: line 13 (doesnt really make much sense), 15 and 16.

apart from that, interesting write.
 — Esoteric

Better! :)
 — rocket

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