poetry critical

online poetry workshop

a f**ked up society

the imaige most people want to be
is not the image for me
who wants to be
brain washed by our society
come on people cant you see
whats happening to you and me
people trying to be the same
people who can have much more to gain
people who arent insane
trying to be perfect
trying to be like them
they put us in school to be brain washed
to take away our rights
to put an end to our fight
to be different
to change
to be enlighted by different things
people put us in catogories
thats a fact no matter if you are white or black
different things are exspected form each of us
if your black you most like rap
stupid shit like that
i hate rap and im black
dont catogorize be different
dont give in to our fucked up society

8 Jan 07

Rated 5 (5) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 3, 6, 6, 8
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(1 more poem by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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L9 - aren't  (You need an apostrophe to show the contraction.)
L19 that's (Same thing as above.  You need the apostrophe to show the contraction.)
L20 expected (You spelled it incorrectly.)
L21 you're (to show the contraction.  The way you have it shows possession.)
I'd also capitalize Black as it pertains to a race of people.  A proper noun.
Do you mean MUST like Rap?  Capitalize Rap (It's another proper noun.)
L23 I'm (You need the apostrophe to show the contraction.)
L24 categorize (You spelled it incorrectly.)
Also brainwashed is one word, not two.

If you hate Rap, then you must hate poetry too.  You, like myself probably just don't like some of the messages contained within the genre.  
 — unknown

I really really LOVE the idea of this poem!! There are too many grammar errors, and line break errors though. I think if you fixed them, then it would be even better.

they are many gramatical errors. but overall this poem is great
 — shortee

just beacuse u hate rap doesnt mean you would hate poetry,...rap and poetry r two different things,.............one is a bunch of people singing about tappin this and lambrouginis gelado's........well,......there is some okay rap though,...........
 — unknown

just because someone hates rao doesnt mean they must hate poetry also. i hate rap, but i LOVE poetry. so that obviously cant be right. i really liked the poem, its so true. except i do like school. one thing i dont like is how they teach that the world was created with a big boom. you know? the big bang theory. well i believe in God, and He created the world. some revision would do well but dont change the words. keep them, just correct their spelling. the good thing about poetry, is that punctuation does not have to be proper. so you are fine there. great work!

 — jesussgurl

saying that you cannot like poetry if you do not like rap is like saying you can not like rap if you do not liek poetry
 — unknown

Then why post this "poem"? That is my first question. Haven't you read all the other poems on this site that say exactly what yours say? Have you bothered to read the true poems on this website that don't? A poem is a piece of art, constructed to make a heavy impact with condensed language. What you just did is piled a semi-coherent, improvised poem on a free online site, loosley based around the standard construction of aabbccdd rhyme scheme, and I do mean very loosley. Consider your own actions first before choosing to comment on your observances of those that surround you. Involving yourself so personally in your own "poem" is bad news and what it does is opens a whole other room of critisiscm about just how removed you are from the observances I already mentioned.

To a certain extent I agree with what you've said, that I can say. However, I think you are apporaching all of this from a much too simple or at least shallow perspective. It is easy enough to preach, as the saying goes, but to enact is where the story begins and as the anlogy would suggest, you haven't even got out of bed yet, you're dreaming.
 — Notecompsure

This is rather too 'cheery' and bouncy for the topic, in my opinion.  It's also rather pale with cliches of how they think other people are trying to be.  This might work as rap, spoken or sung, but not that well as a poem.  

You need to decide if you are going to use 'you are' or you're (not your) and then be consistent.  I laughed when I read line 18, as the entire poem is about categories!  
 — Isabelle5

Great Message here and from the heart.
 — larrylark

No offense, but this is not actually poetry. It's prose broken up into lines.

And a little less cliches won't kill you.
 — IamDave