But "cannibal", while it sounds fantastic rhythmically, doesn't make sense to me.
And L5 feels inappopriate. You develop an image of a man caving in on himself, literally sinking into his own skin. Yet he observes birds in the corner of his eye.
Experiment with this. It's a great concept. I think this should be three times longer and more investigative of the speaker. Sinking into one's self is extremely introspective. What does she see inside her body that has changed because of the subject's indifference? Etc.
I realize I switched gender references halfway through my commentary. I am retarded.