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A Dress for Catherine Zeta

[Revised 1/10/07]
a black dress pinned
naked to a hanger--
the delicate collarbone
a wooden platform for
famous occasions--
its smile polishes
the pockmarks on
the stage door to
every man's fantasy.
where it brushes
the wooden floor--
a space enormous
as the cold, sterile
surgeon's table--
it curls its toes
in orgasm at the
brilliant attention of
the public tongue.

8 Jan 07

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
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Hmm. The only real issue I have with this is the parentheses; when combined with the short line breaks, it comes off as very artificial to me. I suppose it's most glaring in the first strophe, where the "the" in the parentheses comes on the heels of a good opening image. It seems both unnecessary and very premeditated; while I understand one of the themes of the piece may be artificiality in general, the contrived feeling turns me off.

My apologies to be a bit negative on what I feel is a decent piece, but I think you could make it even better. Good luck.
 — dandy

I wish you would put an adjective before orgasm, such as organdy or something.  You objectify the wooden hanger as a collarbone just perfectly!

Do you need "to" in line 10?  Where it reaches - could it be Where it touches?
 — Isabelle5

Thank you, yes, I like that.
 — aurelius

"every ballroom of every man's brain" reads a bit awkwardly. I wonder if the average man-brain contains multiple ballrooms, or even one.

Good idea, good images, it seems like the flow could be improved.

I second dandy on the parentheses.
 — rocket