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A Dress for Catherine Zeta
aurelius

[Revised 1/10/07]
 1
 
 
a black dress pinned
 2
naked to a hanger--
 3
the delicate collarbone
 4
 
 
a wooden platform for
 5
famous occasions--
 6
its smile polishes
 7
 
 
the pockmarks on
 8
the stage door to
 9
every man's fantasy.
 10
 
 
where it brushes
 11
the wooden floor--
 12
a space enormous
 13
 
 
as the cold, sterile
 14
surgeon's table--
 15
it curls its toes
 16
 
 
in orgasm at the
 17
brilliant attention of
 18
the public tongue.
 19

8 Jan 07

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Comments:

Hmm. The only real issue I have with this is the parentheses; when combined with the short line breaks, it comes off as very artificial to me. I suppose it's most glaring in the first strophe, where the "the" in the parentheses comes on the heels of a good opening image. It seems both unnecessary and very premeditated; while I understand one of the themes of the piece may be artificiality in general, the contrived feeling turns me off.

My apologies to be a bit negative on what I feel is a decent piece, but I think you could make it even better. Good luck.
 — dandy

I wish you would put an adjective before orgasm, such as organdy or something.  You objectify the wooden hanger as a collarbone just perfectly!

Do you need "to" in line 10?  Where it reaches - could it be Where it touches?
 — Isabelle5

Thank you, yes, I like that.
 — aurelius

"every ballroom of every man's brain" reads a bit awkwardly. I wonder if the average man-brain contains multiple ballrooms, or even one.

Good idea, good images, it seems like the flow could be improved.

I second dandy on the parentheses.
 — rocket

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