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Like Photographs of Sunrises

your hands were ice cold in the summer heat,
tiptoeing languidly across the windowsill.
dust quivered from the movements
and we made low sounds in the backs of our throats;
we called it singing then, and still do:
the way it accompanied the susurrant voices
of wind in dune grass and the slow
murmuring chorus of listless children,
looking for trouble in the muggy noon sun.
a ladybug rested on your chipped paint nails.
you cupped your hands about it,
just tight enough so it couldn't fly away,
just loose enough so you didn't crush it.
whispering aloud in a voice still thick with sleep,
you counted its spots. "seven,"
you told me, as you set it free.
the wind bore it away, and brought us the sounds
of the dogs whining, and the way the river beckoned
with its tall, tall trestle and no trains in years.
the cool water called us to splash and soak;
the only thing living for miles.

6 Jan 07

Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
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Please help. Please.
 — the_recluse

line 5 could do with more of a halt at the end. a semi colon or a dash even. when line 6 starts "the way ..." you are exploring a different aspect of the same point and not prolonging the sound of the singing, but instead its comparison to the whispering wind. It would rad better witha  colon, giving more of a halt, but not a abrupt end.

line 12 should read "just tight enough so it couldn't fly away"
I'm not sure I like the repetition of lines 12 and 13 - the just at the beginning of each sentence seems lazy. there are many other words to choose from.

You've used whispering twice, but it isn't that much of a problem. If you do change it, don't change the second time you use it. Mabe on line 6 whisper could be changed for a different word.

the "seven" on line 15 looks out of place. Maybe if it was set aside on its own as opposed to being thrown onto the end of the line.

line 19 has a repetition of the word tall. If you intended to do this, they need to be seperated by a comma.

The overall image I get from this is well formed - I can see the images. I'm not sure how the title fits in at all. The title suggests a repetition of the same recurring event, yet when i read the poem I don't see that. It's a good title, and maybe it oculd be used with something else, but it doesn't seem to fit the poem.

Overall, its well formed. 7/10
 — Esoteric

Thank you for the suggestions. I'll be working on them a bunch in the coming days.
 — the_recluse