poetry critical

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all that i can think about are polar bears wearing derby hats
pinwheel

He wore an electric pink tuxedo onto the electric chair,
 1
we clanged pots and pans and clapped our hands.
 2
 
 
He said, "Forget about love, I can't even get laid."
 3
we wore aluminum foil bodysuits and matching socks.
 4
 
 
He was covered in gasoline and went out for a smoke,
 5
we smashed our guitars on television.
 6
 
 
She had infinite eyes, coffee and cream thighs,
 7
I wrote her a letter in pencil, but she just erased it.
 8

5 Jan 07

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Comments:

Line two sounded really familiar, and then I remembered the line from "Where It's At":

"Bottles and cans and just clap your hands"

This is hard to enjoy because it is still a little incoherent. Who is the he and who is the we? How many are we? Did you meet she on New Years? A few more lines might help pull everything together.
 — rocket

This is like looking at a surrealist painting where everything starts to move before your eyes. Really striking imagery.I would change the first line of the final stanza to evoke a much more bizzare description of the girl.
 — larrylark

i was trying to do somehting where the first line is someone making a statement (the third stanza is a play on that guy who set himself on fire in protest) and then the last one kinda switches it around (love > sex) or something. i
 — pinwheel

you are amazing. i find this flawless. you have just said everything. congratulations.
 — bear

edited.
 — pinwheel

ok. here are my thoughts.

you have talent in your phrasing, in your word choices. lots of potential. but your form i think needs work.  

in L1, i think you should not repeat "electic." i'd like to only read it once.

i personally think you should vary your sentence structure.  "he wore," "he said," "he was," "she had."

while you're at that, i'd say, cut down on the extra words--most of the "she" and "he" and "and" "a" "it" "our" "for"..you know. it'll help you conquer more in fewer words--one of the most important objectives in writing poetry--conciseness.

Line 4 "we" should probably be capitalized if you keep that word in there. lines 1+2, lines 5+6, and lines 7+8 are all comma splices. the end punctuation on 1, 5, and 7, should be a semi-colon instead of a comma..IF you are into proper punctuation and all that.  i guess you have poetic license to break the rules if you want to anyway.

good luck revising, and again...some clever stuff here. your inspiration is magical. you just need to perfect the craft of it all, and really HONE that stuff.
 — unknown

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