poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Combating a Whirlpool of Cliches
modern_nomad

We once bathed on the moon
 1
Me and you in a crater
 2
The lukewarm water filled with gems and musk salt
 3
The color of your eyes
 4
 
 
The crisp sound of your fingers
 5
Plunging into the water
 6
Kept us alive
 7
On the stone planet we worshipped
 8
 
 
I painted the shadow your right shoulder blade
 9
Left behind,
 10
With frosted love that I kept
 11
For those ‘special’ moments.
 12
 
 
You turned around to love me
 13
And your gaze
 14
Like freshness
 15
Baptized me
 16
 
 
You looked so beautiful
 17
Wrapped in that blue vapor blanket
 18
With the stars’ shadows painting your skin
 19
With silver white silhouettes
 20
 
 
And once you unwrapped yourself
 21
You sat naked on the crater edge,
 22
Legs dangling,
 23
As though you were five
 24
 
 
My eyes devoured
 25
The outlines I knew so well
 26
And fell in love again
 27
 
 
In love with the child playing in your mind
 28
In love with the emaciated man that haunts your saddened eyes
 29
In love with the lover that stands
 30
In announcement of his manhood.
 31
 
 
After we dried off each other’s bodies,
 32
You sucked out my spirit
 33
And made love to it
 34
On a sea of marbles
 35
 
 
Each defiantly containing
 36
The words I could never find .
 37
Words for each time I wanted to say “I love you”
 38
Without the cliché.
 39

4 Jan 07

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

the last line left me wanting to know more like the end of a good book or movie!
 — crismonblue

how cliche
 — jezkuh

trying to get beyond language to some pristine experience and authenticity is v difficult and smeared by the medium.

bjs are v important to avoid this.
 — unknown

Very original, apt title as well. The setting you've invented to describe this scene is fantastic.

Everything moves along marvelously until the stanza starting on line 28. I would revise to remove the repeats of "in love".
 — rocket

thanks rocket, i will definitely take your point into account.
cris- thanks for the ego boost :)
jezkuh- i am so sorry
unknown- bjs are always good
 — modern_nomad

I liked this a lot.

But I am in love with love today, so it's hardly suprising.
 — seventytimes

0.52s