poetry critical

online poetry workshop



enraptured by the best that sadness has to offer
turtlepoet

I miss her
 1
             like a snowman misses the chilly night
 2
the only thing that keeps him surviving day to day and realizing that there's nothing he can do, the sun will shine
 3
 
 
I miss her
 4
              like the grass misses the morning dew
 5
sticky wet mass that nourishes all it surrounds and realizng there's nothing it can do, the bright light will burn the drops
 6
 
 
I miss her
 7
              like a miser misses every second he's lostlooking back at things he should have done and realizing there's nothing
 8
he can do, those moments are gone
 9
 
 
I miss her
 10
              like a man misses his wife her soft lips whispering things of non import; until she's gone than that's all he can remember and there's nothing he can do...until tommorrow
 11

29 Dec 06

Rated 7.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(36 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Apparently comments aren't irrevelant, since you're posting in the form asking for them. You're probably not getting feedback, because you say you don't care about it. Never fear, criticism is here.

I don't like the structure, but not because you're repeating a form - because you're repeating the verb. I  her, like a  s the . It feels like your making me read each thought at least twice.

The similes feel a bit clumsy. A snowman doesn't really miss the cold - his existance depends on it. You seem to realize that, because then you spell it out in the next line, and follow with the old chestnut - death is inevitable.

The poem seems to say, "I miss her, a lot". It would be more interesting if you tell us about her. Why is she worth missing? What about her do you miss? Otherwise your art is all just to underline "a lot".

Your introduction makes me think you're feeling a bit on the defensive. I see plenty of potential here, so don't take this as all negative.
 — rocket

firstly, dont say our comments are irrelevant, as for some, that then may distract their attention, and all you'll en dup with is an argument instead of criticism. I'm going to give my opinion of this and critique it to the way I  feel fit, but remember, this is your poem, I can't change it - just give opinions.

line 8 - there should be a gap between lost and looking - also, as each stanza erads like a short paragraph, I feel it needs punctuation and this is shown mainly on line 8 again where it says "there's nothing he can do those mometns" it feels like there should be a pause between 'do' and 'those'. You have used it on line 10, so I don't see a problem with using it elsewhere.

line 10 - "until she's gone than that's" should be "then" instead of "than"

overall, I thought the repetition aspect wasn't the slightest bit offputting. It feels as if it needs it almost. It isn't randomly allocated and it can be seen that you intended for it to be set out that way, so all in all, your header isnt needed.

As for the content, I feel a bit sceptical. It all seems to say the same thing - if you intend for a smile, vary your word choices and tell us mroe than just that you miss her. Rocket has summed this up nicely. Plenty of potential. Work on it. 8/10
 — Esoteric

Shoot me in the head, right now. Somebody.
 — unknown

T T
 — unknown

^.^ admititly i know nothing about structure, or grammar (obveously! lol) all i care about is the soul of the poem.....and your soul is amazing. absolutely incredible. poetry wasnt designed to be PERFECT. as long as it touches the heart, check out simon's comments. i left one on his page about poetry....i think u mite like it. well...till then. P.S. CANT BELIEVE U CAN ONLY POST 2 POEMS EVERY 6.5 DAYS! lol
 — LycanStorm

Newest (expand)
  • We have to face music...
  • Trance (Ishq)
  • title undecided.
  • fromage-anelle
  • A Dedication to MrTom and MrChris
  • Fat hairy man at the beach.
  • Breathe
  • Best Friends Forever?
  • A Little Glass Bottle
  • A Frozen Stone
  • Nightingale - Secret of a Geisha
  • Lunchtime Tryst at Midnight
  • i never thought it would be like this
  • Your Mad Glory
  • Verses to Trash
Recently Commented (expand)
0.532s