poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the ladder
jenakajoffer

My brain has a name, his name is Frank.
 1
Frank isn't the same name as Dame,
 2
don't call me Dame.
 3
 
 
My brain has a ladder
 4
it goes to my toes, he knows
 5
how to climb down, into my tummy
 6
and eat all my food, it's a little food
 7
but he's a hungry friend; I send
 8
him back up the ladder to check what's the
 9
matter, see my brain has a poo machine
 10
but the poo machine is rusty
 11
since it's used a lot; it's got
 12
a red and green button for stop and go; slow
 13
I say, but Frank is fast, faster
 14
than me you see, I like to be faster
 15
but he can run and talk
 16
and fix a lot for me.
 17
 
 
my brain has a bathtub and toilet
 18
but no room for a couch and tv.  
 19
Frank tells me to have the livingroom
 20
in my cheek; it will leak
 21
he says, if you don't have the room
 22
and Frank climbs up the ladder to take a bath
 23
because I love to take baths too.
 24
 
 
and my brain doesn't have his own
 25
bike, like my tonka bike
 26
but he's got tonka-town sheets, they're neat.
 27
I wish I had them too, not blue,
 28
that's Frank's favourite colour
 29
mine is red, my bed
 30
would be amazing if it was red.
 31
 
 
but my brain says Frank doesn't like bedtime;
 32
he hates sleep, he creeps
 33
up and down the ladder
 34
fast when I say slow, I know
 35
I need my pill to make him quiet down;
 36
 
 
mommy will frown at his wiggles
 37
until her mockingbird soothes the jiggles;
 38
she sings my night-time song
 39
and Frank, he likes it too.
 40
soon, i will have no ladder
 41
and Frank in my brain will be gone.
 42

This is a story my son told me last fall, he was 6.




27 Dec 06

Rated 8.6 (7.8) by 14 users.
Active (14): 1, 4, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 2, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
caustic
mashdownbaby



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Comments:

L41-croons? *gak*
why not simply "sings"?
 — unknown

I intended on making several changes since I usually post as I'm writing them right on the comp.  I go back and tweak or rip it apart later.
It's probably annoying to some, but oh well.
That's how my brain works when a couple kids are always running around ya.
Thanks for that suggestion.
That's all ya had to say?
 — jenakajoffer

i can relate
 — jumpoline

because of your nephew,
jumpoline?
 — unknown

Lively poem, fun from a child's perspective,  a lot of interesting images.  
I like how you've taken his story and brought it to life with your quick-wit.
I've read some of your others and I see the connection with this poem, (if that has any bearing).  Knowing that however makes this poem even better understood.
Great job here.

Only thing: you would have great internal rhyme if you kept the words in the same line, like you did in L54.
 — unknown

wow, haha...good stuff.
 — porgie

Thank you so much unknown.  I tried what you said, does this sound better?
I know this poem is a mess but it is what it is I guess.  
I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks to you too porgie.
 — jenakajoffer

it sounds better.
great poem jen.
 — unknown

if you could, i think this would work as a paragraph piece. the line breaks are klakking at this like a stuck freezer in the dining room.
 — mikebauer

haha, mikebauer, klakking freezer, good one.
interesting, getting opposite opinions here.  now I'm not sure.
Thank you, I see you liked it.  Surprised I am.
I will try to put this mash together somehow.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Frank likes his
frank
at room temperature
without
bun...
 — chuckles

interesting poem !
 — greenmantle

this is amazing, a favorite. it has a childlike simplicity, but very mature implications. loved it.
 — caustic

a very interesting poem-
enjoyed muchly.
 — unknown

I loved this. I couldn't stop reading. Absolutly brilliant.
 — unknown

i thought it was very symbolic for confuion, and insanity,...id be blown away too if my son told me that!!
 — crismonblue

I know who this is!  The poem ROCKS!  The  fact that the voice of the poem is that of a child coming from an adult pen is what makes it all the more different, endearing and durable.  It has a melody and a tempo and sounds so much like an Ogden Nash kinda "thang."  Love it!  
 — starr

Toldaya I recognized that voice!  Beautiful!  And it's a Top Rated AND Recent Best all in one shot!  Congrats, again, Jen!  
 — starr

naw
i never notice that stuff...
 — chuckles

strange that you would answer me here...
 — unknown

this "poem" reconfirms why I'm not a fan of your poetry. yes, i know you'll say it's supposed to be non-sensical but this is pathetically trivial, a forced attempt of light-heartedness that doesn't equate to much. Many give it ooohhs and aaahhs, i just say it's blah.
 — unknown

Dear unknown,
If you have in fact been reading my poems then you'd know that I'm the kind of person who respects people's preference and opinions of poetry.  
If you are not a fan of my "poetry" then why read it and waste energy making trivial and meaningless comments?
Besides, this poem IS fucking adorable and my son is quite simply the coolest, smartest little thing to come up with this story.  Thank you very much.
Jen-
 — unknown

for line 3, would you consider:

so, don't call me that

line 17:

fix a lot for me


this is a wonderful poem.
you could do without the footnote.
 — varun

Dear varun,
I really cannot change line 3.  
It just really is THAT way, the way he talks makes the poem authentic.
I took your advice on the other two issues, thank you so much
for reading and always giving helpful suggestions.
I have been reading your poems lately, just haven't commented yet.

Best wishes and Happy Valentine's to you,
Jen  
 — jenakajoffer

welcomest, jen.
best to you too.
 — varun

Brilliant!!!!
 — unknown

I don't know. The whole thing is fleeting and abrupt and non-sensical and random and it doesnt seem to take any substance until L36......there has got to be away to get the idea of the first 35 lines accross in a better, more precise way.

Sometimes in my poems I get attached to certain stanzas or certain lines because I really like them, and it takes me a while to realize that no matter how much I like them or how much they mean to me, the poem is just better without them.
 — joshcoops

This is cool and original. the very first line of your poem promises something interesting.  A poem with a climax. Wonder why you chose a masculine name for your brain?
 — trochee

well varun,
I think the footnote had a purpose.
I changed it, but I'm leaving it for the reader.

thanks trochee,
if you read this again, your question should be answered. =-)
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

sure i do now.
 — trochee

better footnote.
i guess you need it too, for the people asking... yes.
as chuck would say

'mmwellthenyessss'
 — unknown

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