poetry critical

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Edited: Dec 29, 2006; 1:43pm

For Sparrow.

Sparrow calls
                    and falls
             then rises on an updraft
                               not    quite    of her own making.
  She sings
                             not                    sweetly
                      but she sings
                      and you listen.

27 Dec 06

Rated 8.6 (8.5) by 9 users.
Active (9): 6, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 5, 8, 8, 10, 10

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 — varun

"but removed completely..." seems overstating the obvious and clipped the wings of this for me, as though "not quite of her own making" could end the first stanza. "sings and you listen" is overstated too, since the reading of this poem is the listening to the pattern. you want to show the tethered necessity, i think? the obligation to gravity and grave thoughts?

very nice word form and placing on the page... a sometimes very vivid poem.
 — mikebauer

My favorite part of this poem was the ending and it's kind of a lovely piece of literature about nature! =)
 — Acid-Rainbow

the ending now, it has a kind of self-satisfied feeling, and i wonder if that might open out if you broke this last two lines object into separate words
 — mikebauer

I feel truly honored, I just discovered this poem.
Thank you so much! I especially love the ambiguity you wove into the original layout.
It's truly beautiful, you stroked just the right strings and touched my heart.
kind regards,
 — sparrow

Interesting, and something to think about.  I'm at odds with some of the spacing, but the last two lines are very well done.
 — technomancer


simply beautiful
 — Mongrol

I wonder about the spacing - how poetic would this be if that went? Saying that I quite like it.
 — opal

Yes, I do listen, and with pleasure.  Thank you for reminding me.
Something in me, when I first read this, made me want to criticize this work harshly, then go on to accuse all those who love it so much of being sycophants.
But my eyes kept playing back across the words, watching this sparrow glide along the white space between them...  
L6-10 feels like a broader existential statement.  As does the piece as a whole.
I give it a 9.
 — aurelius

this is hard to read but the content is very good.
 — Reverend

nice form. i don'tsee enough shape around here. good work
 — unknown

i don't like it when random things are referred to as female. feminine art = poop.

also, this poem is bad.
 — OKcomputer

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