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the man who delivered my wife's couch.
fdostoev

i offer him
 1
a beer.
 2
 
 
says
 3
he can't
 4
while
 5
on the clock.
 6
 
 
stop the clock,
 7
i say.
 8
 
 
we stand
 9
on my
 10
back deck.
 11
 
 
he empties it
 12
in one
 13
even tug,
 14
 
 
runs his palm
 15
over the siding
 16
of my house
 17
and says
 18
 
 
it would sure be nice
 19
to own something.
 20
 
 
i tell him
 21
i haven't
 22
earned this,
 23
 
 
how
 24
i'm only here
 25
because of
 26
my wife's good credit
 27
and her ability
 28
to work around
 29
my sloth
 30
and
 31
frivolous spending.
 32
 
 
he says
 33
his wife
 34
is either
 35
shooting dope in her arm
 36
or playing slots.
 37
 
 
they're
 38
three months behind
 39
on a trailer
 40
with no
 41
insulation.
 42
 
 
i ask him
 43
where
 44
they met.
 45
 
 
she was
 46
an all state
 47
volleyball player
 48
in high school
 49
and
 50
i
 51
was a reserve pitcher,
 52
he says
 53
while picking up
 54
one of my dog's
 55
tennis balls
 56
and launching it
 57
clear over
 58
the back fence.
 59
 
 
we fucked
 60
at a bonfire party
 61
out near zearing
 62
sophomore year
 63
and that was
 64
that.
 65

25 Dec 06

Rated 8.9 (8.9) by 12 users.
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Comments:

i had to read it twice. i thought you'd fucked the couch man in sophomore year.
 — unknown

re previous comment I thought it was clear enough, but comma would make it clearer at endL60. Stark solid writing.
 — unknown

Somehow I don't think that was an accident on the part of the author.  The scenario is slightly pornographic as is -- words like "clock" and "tug".  "I won't tell if you don't." The running of the palm against the side of the house.
Nice work, although I was hoping for a stronger conclusion.
 — aurelius

brilliant.
 — jumpoline

all,

thanks for reading.

i see there are some areas i can clean up...

justin.
 — unknown

incredible poem justin.
 — unknown

i sincerely hope you do not change much. especially the last strophe.
 — jumpoline

Solid work.

9/10

Dave. O.
 — unknown

have to agree - this is a solid well written piece

beautiful rhythm and pace - clarity in the imagery and flow

wonderfully simple and direct

id like to listen to these two chatting a bit more :)
 — Mongrol

An enjoyable read.
 — unknown

I am certainly impressed and loved the format
 — turtlepoet

wow! gooooooood work. if you don't know charles bukowski then go buy his entire catalog of poetry right now, because you and him would get along. few things to maybe work on: i didn't much like "her miraculous ability"...the big word kind of threw off the laid-back flow you had going.  "shooting dope in her arm" is a very odd thing to say, being that dope usually refers to marijuana, and that not many people (to my knowledge) shoot marijuana into their arm. i think the line would be better as "shooting something into her arm" and just leave it at that--like he doesn't bother to get involved.  i'd say move the "i" on line 53 up to line 52 to make it "and i."  also, i'd combine the two stanzas from 48 to 61.  the ending was really good. you write well. please keep writing poems and don't be afraid to revise and polish your work even more.

thanks for the read.
 — steveroggenb

steve,
mongrol,
turtle.

thanks for reading.

steve, i'm a parole officer. where i live, in iowa - "dope" generaly refers to meth, which a-lot of people shoot in their arms around here... they also call it "poop" "smack" "ice" and a whole other host of terms i probably haven't heard yet...

thanks again.

justin hyde.
 — fdostoev

Cool rhythm.
 — SenorSin

must'a been a pretty
big feller t'be
deliv'ring that there
couch all on his lonesome...
 — chuckles

This is really hard writing.  You left me wondering why "that was that."  There is no mention of children in the poem so we are left to assume either there was one who didn't make it or she is still the passion of his life.

You make us wonder.  I hate you for that but I love the poem for all it's sadness.
 — Isabelle5

sensor,
chuckles,
isabele,

thanks for reading.

ch: it was more of a loveseat.

isabele, the guy feels stuck... like many married men... or people for that matter.

justin hyde.
 — fdostoev

there is something not addressed here and i like that. homosexual undertone? i think a lot could be gained by changing the P.O.V. to third or omniscient.
 — jezkuh

Absolutely brilliant. Love the voice
 — larrylark

This is very good. But such a mystery. Some of the comments got me going. I thought that is was just two men lost in life, and I figured his wife ended up pregnant. But now I wonder if the two men are homosexula. Are they? I realize it's artistic but I just want some clarity..
 — Bandrews

realistic, i enjoyed the conflict and similarities between the two classes. i guess this is what i expect life to be like for me in ten years.
 — yourworries

I really like this - of everything I've read this morning, this one is so good - the voices bring the characters alive and it says so much about life - have a 10. Superb.
 — opal

zearing?
 — ErinConnery

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