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Gadfly
unknown

In my searching fall I aim
 1
What was the Desire that
 2
as absence of fire came.  
 3
 
 
like ice she was azure
 4
blue with numbing allure
 5
yet I though she was a vice
 6
donning attire fit for a sire of mice,
 7
for she razed my mind’s slat    
 8
not once, not twice, nor thrice.
 9
  
 10
I tried to stop for her
 11
To say amen my friend,  
 12
I shant do that again
 13
yet I forgot she was Forgetfulness the queen  
 14
so my mind went down a deep ravine.
 15
 
 
When I had remembered  
 16
I longed to forget her
 17
She, my mind, dismembered.
 18
 
 
I tried to recall thoughts
 19
Through my mirror glass -  
 20
my glass, weary of showing the same flyblown, eyes
 21
threatened to quit if I did not recover fast.
 22
 
 
Forgetfulness always remembered me.  
 23
She, auger-eyed, spied
 24
Through abyssal cerulean eyes
 25
In the forest she whispered white lies  
 26
 
 
She said everything but nothing at all  
 27
With a long littleness she tried to crawl
 28
To everywhere and nowhere at all
 29
But had forgotten how.
 30
 
 
I had remembered then
 31
and was happy to grow in throe
 32
as reminiscing, evoker of stain,
 33
kept me awake and in proper place
 34
for the language of love is pain.
 35

19 Dec 06

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Comments:

Oh, boy, this poem is making me tired.  I don't understand your first stanza.
Line 6, though needs a t, please.  What is a sire of mice?  A male mouse?  What is a mind's slat?  Like blinds?

This is all over the place with dangling phrases, lines that don't make sense - such as line 21, weary of showing the same flyblown.  Or is it flyblown eyes and you just have the comma in the wrong place?

What is a long littleness?  

I just don't get a sense of a real voice, I sense someone trying to write deep poetry and not quite making it.  

It's too long and verbose for the subject.  It could be condensed, it should be shortened and a strong point made.  
 — Isabelle5

Thanks for your comments.  I know this poem is really lacking and now I see how it could be confusing.  I hate trying to write brillant poetry and coming up empty.  I guess I was not really inspired.  Your comment might help me clean the poem up, however.  Thanks Isabelle, you're a great poet.  
 — unknown

hey if you could answer this, um how do you get the poems you write to be seen on this web page?
 — unknown

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