poetry critical : poem

In light of your heroism

jenakajoffer

I am your girl,	1
unoccupied and insolvent;	2
denied by polar existences.	3
Strong, yes	4
but weakened by devotion,	5
guilted by	6
benevolence	7
when I think you've	8
changed your mind.	9

A conflict churns	10
inside, burdening	11
my pride and I am	12
wanting, needing	13
to be more than I am-	14
but I am always	15
yours and spoiled	16
and should be grateful	17
in my glass slipper,	18
not a beggar	19
asking for love	20
or lilies;	21
smokes, kahlua...	22

self-inflicted doubts shift	23
my emotional sea,	24
dishearten me; for	25
the moment, I am ashamed-	26
but for you, I will	27
resist these common comforts,	28
pour the seduction	29
beneath my floors	30
one more time, holding	31
my tongue, my breath	32
knowing that arrogance was never	33
your intention.	34

I choose to live	35
in our vision of friendship	36
and forever;	37
my wants and needs only	38
to make you proud, and in time	39
you'll find my madness	40
just an inexplicable,	41
eternal love,	42
for you.	43

you'll always be my hero.

17 Dec 06

Rated 9.8 (8.3) by 6 users.

Active (6): 1, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(27 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

angrychick
chuckles
EchoesRemain

Add A Comment:

Comments:

Very sweet jen.
— unknown

Wonderful sentament.

I hope there is an encore presentation to represent life's satisfaction
in favoring kind heartedness, no matter, when where or how it arises.

;)
— kronah_kcmg

Thank you.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

What a beautiful poem!! - lines 11-21 are so truthful and heartfelt - you are so talented to be able to express your truest deepest thoughts and feelings so beautifully.  You and your hero are destined for a life of happiness and bliss...it is my greatest wish for you! J
— unknown

Well, wow...thank you so much!
I was thinking of deleting this today cuz it's not very good, but your comments and that it's someone fave now make me think to keep it.
I just suck at love poems.  I mean, this is a love poem to me and it's still laced with some sort of poison.  I just can't do it.
At least not yet.
Your comments lifted me!
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

delightful.
— unknown

I really love the endding. Well done!
— unknown

for line 15, try an 'always' before 'yours'.

some sorta experiment, with line breaks - i've changed a bit of the punctuation and also some language. sorry for taking such liberty - i like your poem.

Self-inflicted doubts shift
my emotional sea,
dishearten me; for
the moment I am ashamed.
But for you, I will
resist these common comforts
and pour the seduction beneath my floors
one more time, holding
my tongue, my breath
knowing that arrogance was never
your intention.

you could break up the following strophe like this too, maybe?

v.
— unknown

also, for the footnote, would you consider just ' you will always be my hero '?
without the 'no matter what'...

thanks.
v.
— unknown

i couldn't resist -

A conflict churns
inside, burdening
my pride and I am
wanting, needing
to be more than I am.
But I am always
yours, and spoiled
and should be grateful
in my glass slipper;
not a beggar
asking for love
or lilies or
cigarettes and kahlua.
— unknown

Thank you both for the help on the line breaks v and c.
I try but I'm not very good at that.
I don't like the word cigarettes in poetry right now, thanks tho.
I appreciate the helpful comments!
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

you'll find my madness
just an inexplicable,
eternal love,
for you.

Yikes, my msn nick reads 'I am your madness' nowadays, I wonder...
— Enimie

haven't read this in ahwile.
ugh...thwarted, shitty word.
anyone agree and have a better idea?
thx,
jen-
— jenakajoffer

Isabelle wrote this.
— unknown

thanks for the compliment
=-)
— jenakajoffer

Jen, beautiful, defo one of the three! You have taken a risky subject and made it your own. You have taken the usual cliche out of a love poem, which is hard to do as so many have been written.
— angrychick

nice poem
— chuckles

poetry critical

online poetry workshop