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i am always drowning.
varun

steal from night
 1
again run
 2
a distance
 3
as far as home
 4
refrain from ever
 5
being gone too long
 6
 
 
pianist plays soul
 7
slow like
 8
drizzle aching
 9
to meet earth
 10
 
 
i am always holding
 11
precious moments
 12
in breaths tiptoeing
 13
through madness
 14
and midnights
 15
and back alleys humming
 16
songs
 17
for the breaking of silences
 18
 
 
always drowning
 19
in something
 20
preening
 21
empty shells
 22
these stone cold eyes
 23
stare obliviously
 24
shine
 25
 
 
pianist plays soul
 26
slow like drizzle
 27
i drench stretch
 28
my arms to catch
 29
every leaving breath
 30
of mine
 31

17 Dec 06

Rated 8.7 (8.6) by 13 users.
Active (13): 4, 7, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 6, 10, 10

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(31 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

wow!
wow!

varun, a masterpiece.
undoubtedly.

there isn't anything at all i would touch,
except maybe for the veerryy last line.
it might be just a bit too intangible
for the remainder of the poem.

everything is--although brief--
is very tangible, like sudden noises.
'as if' isn't so.

hm.
other than that, this is astonishingly perfect.
my favorite of yours, now.

smile.
midare
 — midare

Luhvely.
 — fallinforyou

hi midare.
thank you for your kindness.
i thought about replacing 'as if'.
but decided to just get rid of it.

thank you, as always.

fallingforyou, thanks.
 — varun

reminds me of dancing :)
 — kronah_kcmg

thanks for that 6. any thing else to say?
 — unknown

i'd very much appreciate if you would elucidate why you picked 6. just curious...

v.
 — unknown

on second thought, midare...
 — varun

mmm.
 — varun

if it's bothering you, put it back in, silly.

smile.
midare
 — midare

no, not about 'as if'. but about what i'd added. then removed.

:}
 — unknown

now?
 — varun

why
why
why?

you are too good a writer to confine yer thoughts with punctuation.
why?
why are you tellin' me what to feel, by employing punctuation?
why?
why don't you remove some(or all) punctuation?
these words are being constricted,
please set them free!
 — chuckles

i re-read it 5 times.
i do think you might have a point there chuck.
thanks.
 — varun

v, I really liked this one. stanzas 2 and 4 really stood out to me here. I want to come back and comment more on this later. in the meantime, more poems please.

air
 — theair

I am very fond of your style of writing. Lucid and poignant.
 — unknown

Beautiful.
 — SarahMichele

ummm, midaaaare.
 — unknown

oops, I mean varuuuun.
 — unknown

I don’t know about racing drizzle, I think this collection of non associated words is raging drivel...
Any idiot can pick words from the air, and string them together in an incomprehensible assortment of nonsense.

Mor.
 — unknown

as an old guy, i'm not so moved by just talk about "soul" and "piano players", i want to see and hear soul and piano, and this is more like a stream of causal comments uttered by a friend while walking down the street looking at store windows.

there are so many good moves in this that i think you probably can write a better poem... like, "slow/drizzle" is very sonic, and part of the music, but then "drench/stretch" is a let down, like you picked the easiest. there's no body in this, no body touching another body, and the dance is a solo, and that means you've got to be very brilliant with each word. i ain't saying mine's a brilliant and better poem than this, but i think some of the movement of my "in frisco" might have the kind of kinetic that you could use in this. it's important to show, and not say, and what you've got to show here is the author gesturing and moving in this cool space you're describing but not letting us into.

i hope you don't feel this is a putdown, cause i like what you've got and want it to have more soul and piano.
 — mikebauer

varun, quit your day job, write jazz music, just don't stop doing this to yourself, yourselves.........
 — ogeretla

i would comment on quench earth

i don't like earth, or to be more precise
i don't find earth and quench good neighbours.

a compromise for me would be

drizzle racing
to quench

earth.
i am always
drowning

or

drizzle racing
to quench

soil.
i am always
drowning

and then the
preening empty shells

i can't believe no one has hoisted this combination up
by its short and curlies   i really don't like

preening, primping, pouting, pursing
prancing, plumping, puking ghastly words

some words are just salmonella

ignore me

if this poem was slightly more nail on slate smothered by a goose-feather duvet noodleman could have written this. by which i mean he used hard endings and tight refrains, edged by a soft verse, very much like a nirvana formula, almost like so

pianist plays soul
slow like drizzle
i drench stretch
my arms to catch
every leaving breath
of mine

though he wouldn't use the p-cont of leave or leave

or the ands here

... madness,
and midnights
and back alleys, humming
songs


i do agree with mike.
sometimes you take the easy description way out.

anyway
this has just the right balance of abstract to concrete
it suits you not to get too way-out cosmic on your reader

a few tweaks and this would be mighty fine
like a chocolate mousse in a strawberry sauce cape

i'm not signing because i'm still very grumpy
not with you

the lime-jelly maker
 — unknown

congats v.  this deserves to be up here.
 — midare

she is right. i love your poem.

-noodleman
 — unknown

holding precious moments
in breaths, tiptoeing
through madness
and midnights,
back alleys, humming
songs for the breaking
of silences.

would be my only comment.

i like breaths tiptoeing and songs for the breaking.

-noodle
 — unknown

I believe mikebauer articulated my feelings on this piece best.
Nonetheless, varun, you are always interesting to read.
 — aurelius

thanks all.

lime-jelly unknown, appreciate your time. i will look more closely soon.
noodle? back here? hello. thanks for the comment.
 — varun

i presume noodle would know midare.
but this 'noodle' doesn't.
interesting.
 — varun

ogeretla, i don't have a day job.
thanks for the comment.
 — varun

chuck, thanks.
i took advice of your kind mind.
 — varun

>she is right. i love your poem.

>-noodleman

noodleman was talking to me.

the lime-jelly maker
 — unknown

okay then, limey.

v.
 — unknown

Beautiful poem, I really like the "pianist plays soul..." part especially. ^_^
 — Acid-Rainbow

I love the parts "i am always drowning in something" and "run a distance as far from home".

The stacatto style requires some work to read. The line "these stone eyes cold and starting obliviously shine always" feels a bit too awkward. I think the piercing pace and abbreviated delivery serve you, but don't make it too hard to get what you're saying. My brain wants it be something like "stone cold eyes stare, oblivious and shining always". I'm not trying to rewrite it for you, just spelling out what I mean.

I like the sounds of lines 25-30, soul slow, drizzle drench, arms catch.

Like your poem, hope this feedback is useful to you.

Regards.
 — rocket

a little change in 7-10.

acid-rainbow, is a wicked handle. thanks.

rocket, thanks for the feedback.
would you consider re-reading this a few times?
 — varun

i don't like it without punctuation
 — unknown

i was wondering about this for a change:

...meet earth

i am always holding
precious moments in breaths
tiptoeing through madness
and midnights
and back alleys humming
songs
for the breaking of silences

always drowning
in something
preening
empty shells these
stone eyes cold
staring obliviously
shine

pianist...
 — varun

it's a struggle reading it without the punctuation, i agree.
i might redo the line breaks to fit the 'no punct.'. mmm..
or i might re-punctuate it...
i might feel better tomorrow.
thanks.
 — varun

I love your line breaks,
it makes no punc perf.
The last two lines leave my lungs
breathless.
I love it.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

thanks jen.
 — varun

I think this has improved a lot since the last time I read it. Hopefully that is because you've actually revised it and not because it's mid-day instead of the middle of the night.

Nice alliteration on line 20. I would remove/replace the "and" of 22. Following the proceeding line "madness and midnights and back alleys" it just feels run on. I think another word, maybe "in" or "along", would improve the flow.

I would omit line 30 for a stronger finish. Since you start 28 with "my arms" I don't think you need it.

Great work.

Regards,
 — rocket

every one once in there life they wont to drown there self but it never happens get over youre self u are just making more people in your life more depressed so plz hurry up n kill your self so poeple can get over you          &n bsp;          & nbsp;                       ;          &nbs p;           qld rules
 — unknown

thats an amazing expression of self. but yet i dont understand
  - shortee
 — shortee

Wow, that's great. Sorry to read how much you suffer. It sounds like a long war. I'll save a prayer for you. -C
 — unknown

I just read Mike Bauer's critique. That's excellent advice. I so rarely get guidance from someone human-older--most of us seem to be missing something real and appreciative about what we write. It's like a disenfranchisement of overpopulation, corporate underpinnings, etc. and such mass hurry we're trying to get free of rather than any truly happy healthier celebration, but I dig the efficient way we elicit and the spirit moves through us still doing poetry. I bet the final resulting stanza that brings it back to the main meaning just happenned sort of miraculously, like a life preserver (<--See!). Were you along for the ride so-to-speak as it returned with its genius, Varun? -C
 — unknown

Jesus, it's not THAT good, dude.
 — unknown

i am always  11
drowning  12
in something preening  13
empty shells these stone  14
eyes cold and  15
staring obliviously  16
shine always  17

this stanza is not working
 — unknown

cool
 — unknown

I like some things about this, it has a certain lyrical musicality, but the central conceit you have chosen to hold it together of the notes of the music sounding like rain and the personalisation of this through the drowning image isn't really strong enough; nor is it sustained throughout the poem with enough strongth of language. The last for lines for example do not have enough impetus to hold up the rest of the stanzas teetering above it - they are incoherent for a start, but not linguistically interesting enough to overcome their lack of coherence; if the end is right, so will the rest be. I'd start fronm the bottom and work up.
 — opal

thanks for the interest everyone.
11-25 edited.
 — varun

7-10 seems a bit more awkward and stilted than the rest
 — SenorSin

Please change it back

:(

-Sarah
 — unknown

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