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White Musk
Mongrol

You are hollow
 1
and cold,
 2
dissipating form
 3
fades out your
 4
vague senses.
 5
 
 
You are wet
 6
and moist,
 7
feverish, with a
 8
touch of white
 9
musk on your skin.
 10
 
 
Your veil is
 11
morning dew
 12
clinging to the
 13
withering night,
 14
fading in time.
 15

11 Dec 06

Rated 9.6 (8.6) by 7 users.
Active (7): 2, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 1, 10

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Comments:

Lovely title, and wonderful scent! Not sure I understand your poem ...
 — Seahorse

on the surface it is about the moment just after the first light of dawn

i think near a river - the senses momentarily confused by the mist

- or perhaps it is about someone, who in the morning seem different than they did in the previous night before
 — Mongrol

"the previous night before" ... how poetic!
 — unknown

perhaps i'll add - the previous night before this exact morning

and not some other morning
 — Mongrol

love the 'unknowns' on this site taking swings at tiny details hardly worth the mention

makes me chuckle a lot
 — Mongrol

I like the third strophe.
first strophe - first two lines have been done before, too many times. not understanding the 'and' in l4 - is it needed?
second strophe - wet and moist? another word for either? as they pretty much mean the same.
I figured this was about someone, not a moment in time, due to 'skin', but s3 reminds me of a morning. Eh, I will come back to this again when I am more awake.

Sam
 — unknown

well wet can be interpeted as soaking wet - drenched even - whereas moist can be partially infused like a sponge with moistness

so there is a difference - plus there is the sexual element here too

wet with sweat - moist with arousal

yes the 'and' in L4 is essential at that point as it determines a nexus in time - a point where change occurs

it is both about a person and a moment in time - it can be either or none

that is its openess to interpretation :)
 — Mongrol

I caught the sexual element. I'd still prefer another word for either. If you want, you could change 'wet' to 'stormy' to enhance both the sexual element and the  moment in time. Just a suggestion.

Sam
 — unknown

thanks Sam  ^^ - but stormy wont work here in this one - as it is trying to denote a moment of pause - of stillness shifting between moments.

i will consider your suggestion though - i will most likely change the word 'wet' rather than 'moist' if any - as the moistness of the mist filled morning air is closer to what im trying to capture here

but thank you for the suggestions
 — Mongrol

I really like this poem... its tingly... I'm sorry, I don't have anything useful to say apart from I like it.
 — dele

thnk you Dele :)

you're quite tingly too
 — Mongrol

i don't know why you don't write

you are mist
you are moist
 — unknown

dire running to mire, as sensual as a sweaty armpit, no sense of body, vapid cliched phrasing, but not uncommon for the adolescent frame of mind, bring on the lobsters of laughter my senses have been annulled
 — unknown

you are mist
you are moist


hmmm personally i dont think these lines scan very well with the rest of the poem

but thnk you for your comment :)
 — Mongrol

"dire running to mire, as sensual as a sweaty armpit, no sense of body, vapid cliched phrasing, but not uncommon for the adolescent frame of mind, bring on the lobsters of laughter my senses have been annulled
— unknown "

quite the insightful critic i see

its not meant to be sensual - it is meant convey the vapid empty space of pre-morning - but adolescent?

you need to check your lobsters for infestation
 — Mongrol

you might want to consider using semi colons for this piece.
also, re-consider you choice and use of 'you' and 'your'.

hollow and cold
fading in time

are too often used.

in 1-5 the language is too confused.
i liked 6-10.
11-15... mmm... what can i say, i like line 13. but that's all.

thanks.
v.
 — unknown

lines 1 > 5 are meant to be read in a single breath - saying it out loud helps to understand its flow - its completely understandable and scans well

my choice of the word 'you' and the word 'your' is deliberate and intentional - making direct and personal association and even relation to an event - such as the very seconds before the dawn

perhaps one semi-colon could be used yes - i will consider using one

I chose the words hollow and cold as they suited the piece - i'm not concerned with their usage in other poems - the fit the frame and colour the canvass of this peom just fine

but thank you for your comments
 — Mongrol

sorry i meant to say line 3 >5 are meant to be said in a single breath
 — Mongrol

okay then, guess you got all that already sorted out.

v.
 — unknown

yes, i think i have, this was a well considered and hopefully well crafted group of words

your comments were also well considered before i replied and thank you for taking some time to read my poem
 — Mongrol

nice sense of lyric line. very nice read.
 — mikebauer

thank you Mike - i really appreciate your feedback
 — Mongrol

i like withering night, the rest rework
 — jumpoline

thank you for your feedback jumpoline... but there is no need to rework

it's fine as it it stands

:)
 — Mongrol

Wow, amazing! So sexy too.
 — Jenz

thanks Jenz

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

this it seems is about the crucifixion of jesus. i think it is beautiful.
 — Reverend

I like many of the ideas you put forth here. I feel some parts may become stronger. The second half of stanza 1 I found jarring, as well as some noticeable comma absences (most of which are in the 1st and 3rd stanza-- the second one is perfect as is).

A part of me wants to read it like this:

You dissipate,
hollow and cold.
Form and vague
senses fade.

(stanza 2 insert)

Your veil of morning
dew clings to
the withering night,
fading in time.

Hope I'm not being tangential about this. Use my advice if it appeals to you.
 — Virgil

Yes i do like some of the arrangements you have made Virgil, and it has helped me see new perspective on words i've pondered over many many times.

I have made some revisions based on your suggestions - though not completely - but you can hopefully see the effect your arrangement has made - i do like this new edit - removing some of the 'the's and placing some of the elements in the more immediate such as fade to fades, and the removal of the 'the' from line 12.

thank you Virgil - valuable input

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Unbelievable. This is another one of those poems that is so wondrous in its simplicity that I break my lazy streak and log in to rate.

Congrats on a job done perfectly. The poem's strength increases to crescendo in the final stanza. I covet lines 11-15.

Teo.
 — teo_omega11

Well if one looks at the title, what does imply.?
The real white musk is those legendary white bison that live in Canada’s tundra region in the Artic Circle.
Very substantial animals indeed, one would have great difficulty describing them as in any way hollow.
If one attempts to relate white musk to a scent, then any form of moisture is detrimental to its properties.

The last stanza is total nonsense, in any sense.
The withering night would make the formation of dew impossible.
The very word withering means to dry out, the terms are incompatible nonsense.

And the last line, which one is fading, the withering night or the morning dew.

One wonders how anyone in their right mind could possibly give this nonsense ten.
 — Mor

The poem has nothing to do with legendary white bison. You have such idiotic interpretations.
 — unknown

It does say White Musk in the title.

What do you say the title implies.

Mor.
 — Mor

cliches and worthless phrases:

"vague senses" abstraction. these words are the fat kids of the playground. no cherry bombing. you fat fuck.

"hollow / and cold" really? i bet you thought you struck gold. GOLD! yes. yes yes. so fresh. so new. no one can stop me now. no one. your mother is a transvestite.

"wet  / and moist" really? wet. and. moist? no wonder you like arguing with mor. your personality is a broken record.

"morning dew"

"withering night"

"fading in time"

yeah. the rest of those lines are cliches. i think one of them was used by my baby cousin describing his butt rash. suffice it to say. this poem is complete garbage. it has a cliche idea. and its execution is cliche.  

you are a boring and shitty poet.

but don't worry.

you just saved a load of money by switching to geico.
 — bologna

don't waste your breath bologna, the block-head isn't hearing.
 — unknown

>"wet  / and moist" really? wet. and. moist? no wonder you like arguing with mor. your personality is a broken record.

and don't forget feverish; it's a triple whammy of synonyms, a cardinal sin, an orgy of overstatement, a sign of a wamblicante nature ... a plainly stupid, ill-thought out description.
 — unknown

thank you all for you comments.

i will not de-mystify this poem however in order to answer those comments, you are welcome to view this in anyway to see fit too do, I am quite statisfied with it myself to know why i have placed layers of meaning with deliberate mulitplicity.

all i can say is - don't read this as a surface piece, nor literally. it is an abstraction of a moment is all.

thanks again :)

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

What you really mean is that it is a load of shit.

Best leave it for the flies to feed on.
 — unknown

if you say so :)

but then it doesnt matter to me, i'm happy with this piece.

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

  shit and you it seems are compatible.
 — unknown

commenting as an unknown mitigates an opinion you have to 0

*shrug*

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

you give excuse to your inability?

are you telling me this is the best you can do to describe that moment?

mongrol. stick to the message boards where you can jizz without substantiation.

here. you poetry speaks for itself. and this one is drowned by ambient  cricket farts.
 — bologna

at least you had the balls to post in your login this time Bologna

your opinion has been noted.. and filed

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

this time? get your head out of your ass.
 — bologna

yes this time... get your fingers out of your ass..

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

i don't post unknown.

get your mother's penis out of your ass.
 — bologna

lol nothing you say matters Bologna .. so what does that matter?

:)
 — Mongrol

logging off for the night - so you just carry on Bologna..
 — Mongrol

awwww. you still haven't figured it out. you are still lying to yourself.

pray for the easter bunny. you can impregnate his fabergé egg.
 — bologna

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